Dealing With Emotional Numbness

[Deleted member 37644]

They say the first step to recovery is to trust others, and I don't; I fear the the goals of others and mine are at cross-purpose, and am shamed into being "unselfish." WHen I say I wish to hold my mother accountable others think I'm selfish, but I'm not, to my understanding. I fear betrayal. I fear rejection. I physically contorted last night talking to a shrink ,and it was because I felt isolated, and pressured.

I'm dissociated, and I feel disempowered, and want to do that, but if somebody wants me to punch myself in the face, I've more respect, than that. I'm doing right by myself, and my mother, and I mean it.

It's a chicken-and-egg paradox, but I'm being clearer, I trust.

Empathetic Expression to Shrinks of What I Want:
I am very afraid that you will try to pressure me into violating my conscience. I've been pressured by others before, and don't like it. I believe holding my mother to her duty was my duty, plus prerogative. I expect you to, at a minimum, help me convince my mother she is wrong, her logic, wrong.

To me, "forgive" is a code word to legitimize my mother's errors. I don't mind forgiving her, but that doesn't mean she was right to resist my authority; I fully expect you to make that clear, as clear as I have.

I want to trust her, and if not that, then at least you; she stabbed me in the back, but I wouldn't care if I didn't wish to communicate, and I do. I fear getting backstabbed, in confronting her, like she once stabbed me and I'm placing myself in a vulnerable position to feel trust and conficance, in you; call me stupid, but I think that's brave.

If I set boundaries, would you validate them? That's what I expect you to help me, with.

 

[Suzetig]

They say the first step to recovery is to trust others, and I don't;

Who are "they"? I've never heard that before and certainly don't subscribe to it. Actually I'm more likely to be concerned if someone with a significant trauma history is trusting of professionals because mistrust is a natural, reasonable response to interpersonal trauma and trust is, I think, a goal to work towards, not a starting place.

In terms of your mother, you can't control another person, not what they do or what they think. You can decide the terms of your relationship with them and have the right to remove yourself from unhealthy relationships but you can't convince your mum she was wrong if she isn't able to see that for herself. As an adult she certainly has every right to "refuse to accept your authority", whatever that means? And you have the right to chose not to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.

It's not unusual for people who have been abused to recreate the dynamic of the abusive relationship either by putting themselves in the same role (i.e. always being victimised) or by trying to reclaim power over others, and thus becoming controlling or even abusive themselves.

Reread what you wrote - it doesn't describe a healthy, equal relationship to me, which is part of what your T should be helping you work towards with your mum, or helping you to set boundaries and if need be walk away if she can't respect your boundaries. Control and authority over another adult in private relationships isn't ok no matter who is doing the controlling.

 

[Neverthesame]

I am very afraid that you will try to pressure me into violating my conscience. I've been pressured by others before

oesn't mean she was right to resist my authority

Would you be willing to elaborate on what these things entail?

You don't have too of course, but it might help to have a better understanding.