Dealing with kids and being a good parent

[blueangel371115]

I was abused as a kid and exposed to violence and threats of violence. It really messed me up ( why I'm here in the first place:(:cry:) . I have two kids and I love them but I'm relapsing. My problem is , my husband cannot/ refuses to handle the kids more than 20mins-2hrs at a time. He made me feel guilty for going to my aunt's funeral. He's incredibly spoiled by his family, so I get why he's that way (no, I don't find it ok). They feel 'it's women's work' to watch kids. Thing is, I NEED a break. I've never had no kids at all to deal with for more than once for 6 hours in TWO YEARS!!! Maybe I'm a horrible mom but I feel I need a weekend for myself. He says that I'm a mom and moms don't get breaks. I'm a SAHM and I want to remain one but I am a human being. It shouldn't be too much to ask for a break. How do I deal with this? Am I asking too much? I'm triggering a lot lately and having a hard time dealing with it. I just want to be a good mom for my kids. So they don't get hurt like I did. :(

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I struggle a little bit differently because my kids are teenagers. They are good at giving space, but at times that I really need space, they seem to really need me. Then, I may push them away or I go isolate in the bath, I lose that time and feel guilty or regret. My thirteen year old tends to go through times of judging everything about me in a negative way, and I realize she is criticizing ptsd, which she doesn't know I have.

When you are a mom of little kids, you do need a break! If you can afford Mother's Day out or summer camps it will really benefit you. With ptsd, you would need the break even more. Sometimes, if I don't get alone time my skin feels alive, like it is being ripped off of my arms. Maybe work out play date trade offs. If you need a whole weekend, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe mention that you either get this the healthy way, or you end up in a treatment program which could be longer than a weekend.

 

[blueangel371115]

Sounds good to me. Even a day would be nice. I have friends I'd like visit without one or more kids tugging at me, begging for my attention. The oldest, in my mind is very needy. Unless you are physically touching him or within arms reach, he acts out. I figure it comes from all the time with my husband's grandmother. Lovely lady and I love her but she's an uber helicopter mom. To the point it's not healthy. She still talks to my husband like he's a toddler. What bugs me is at her house, it's just her and my oldest (she won't take the younger) but here I have both. But my son still seems to expect 100% of my time and attention, which isn't possible. My husband's not much help as he works nights and I really hate waking him up.

 

[blueangel371115]

Lovely lady and I love her but she's an uber helicopter mom. To the point it's not healthy.
.

I least I don't feel it is.

 

[Casey_03]

Am I asking too much?

You're definitely not asking for too much. If you're stressed, your kids are going to feel it, which means if you need a break to relieve that stress -- you need it. It's not a luxury; it's a need. Your husband is being unreasonable. Are there any women in your husband's family who might be sympathetic? You could try talking to one of his female relatives, in the hopes that they would understand where you're coming from and either explain the issue to your husband (because it sounds like he's not going to listen to you) or offer to help watch the kids for a couple days.

I would suggest talking to your husband directly but from what you describe here, it doesn't seem like that would work.

I can totally emphathize with you about this. I have a young son who I am raising alone and have not had even an hour apart from him, and alone to myself, since he was born. And I do think it's put me in a perpetually stressed out mood that will inevitably rub off on him.

 

[Friday]

Personally, I threw a fit. I was married to an engineer, so it was math that did the trick.

He worked a 9 hour day, I worked a 16-20 hour day. He got 2 days off of work, and I had 0 days off of work. Either we each got -bare minimum- 1 day off of work, or he paid someone for daycare so I could have 1 day off a week (from midnight to midnight, because dammit, I needed sleep!), or I was filing for divorce and leaving come Monday. His choice. But he only had until the weekend to decide.

I handed him a spreadsheet that included what nanny hours & pay were (aka the job I was working, if he wanted to continue his current lifestyle without me : Would mean hiring 3 shifts @ 2500 per month each x2 $1000xNights, with paid sick time, holidays, bonuses for all 3 shifts), as well as projected child support & daycare expenses, for if I took our boyo & we split custody. <snicker> He didn't believe me, of course, so had to go verify all my numbers. I was very conservative in my estimates (which I knew because I was young enough to be mistaken for "the nanny" out at parks, museums, etc. & got a lot of offers during holidays from people trying to poach me :roflmao:, so I knew when he then also disbelieved the computer and turned to his colleagues? He was going to get an earful. From people he actually respected. ). So he got a rude shock when he found out how much I was under estimating, instead of inflating my "value to this family" :rolleyes:

In retrospect, I rather wish I hadn't laid everything out in black and white. I was quite serious about divorcing him over this. I could have saved my son & I a whole lot of bullshit and hardship if I'd realized he was malicious, not stupid.

Still. I know a helluva lot of great couples who have had the same Come To Jesus meeting when the kids were young. Disrespect via Ignorance is a fixable thing. Malicious Disrespect, something else entirely.

 

[blueangel371115]

I can't talk to my husband's family because they all feel it's women's work to raise the kids, while Dad makes the money. they don't feel I should need help or even ask. They told me so when I was pregnant. They won't watch the kids more than during the day, and not both. The grandmother has Parkinson's and it's hard with the one and the grandfather doesn't really help. My family is really too far away and too busy to be much use. I've tried talking to him about it but he just repeats everything they said.

 

[blueangel371115]

His mom isn't an option as she didn't want my husband when he was a baby so she's not really in the picture, certainly not enough I'd leave them there.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I can't talk to my husband's family because they all feel it's women's work to raise the kids, w...

Then you play hard ball. One option: 1. daycare/you get a job. (A part time job for me was a huge asset to my psyche). 2. Set extreme bed times so that you get time to your self and sleep at night. 3. Withold sex. (Okay... maybe a joke, maybe not). 4. Go to church, but take a nap in your car or take an hour to yourself while the kids are in the childcare. (Did I just say that?)

 

[blueangel371115]

:) I did finally enroll them in daycare. I think it will do all of us good. The littlest only goes 3x a week but that's 3 days I'm without kids. As much as I hate to do it. The benefits for all of us make it worth it. They only go until 3pm. After a bit I may figure out something to do with myself during the time. I do stay up really late some nights to get time to myself.

 

[DharmaGirl]

It will be good for all of you. I had a job doing daycare at my church (when I used to go), and my son loved it!