Dealing with me today

[Starfish]

Woke up with better feelings and more energy. The anxiety is so strong always, including today. It is still terror inside telling me to hurry up and get everything done today. I am breathing, did yoga and dance. The voice is telling me nothing I do is good enough and I’m ready to be criticized for anything I say and do. I am staying with my terror and getting a few things done and recognizing what this voice that takes away my whole self, thoughts, personality, self-will, self-care, ad nauseum, this voice and feelings are so hard, so hard to breath normally without shaking from deep inside. I am 64 and it continues. I am awed at the fact that trauma in childhood can be so life changing. I cannot think about what my life would have been like had this not happened. If I would have been loved and cared for by anyone. Just for today i will practice being in my body without criticizing what is going on.

 

[AnD]

Hi, welcome. I see that you are a new member.

I have the inner critic too. Some say it should be told to shut up via anger. I don't believe in that.

I believe that my inner critic is my inner child trying to protect me from being ridiculed or worse. So I say to that scary voice, I see you child. I see that you are trying to protect me from harm. There is nobody here to hurt me. And I will listen to the story you need to tell me. The story that got to you remember fear.

I'll often close my eyes and I let the pain and stories come. I cry over the pain that I have felt, but could not access directly. Then I know that I won't abandon myself. I refuse to continue the abuse.

It helps when I can remember to do this.

 

[Starfish]

Thank you AnD. I do what you do. I realized this past year that I was hating myself about all these feelings. I was feeling mad at "others" behavior and blaming them(pretty much inside myself, not acting out much toward them, except on a subtle level. At some point i realized it really was not about "them".
I started welcoming and accepting as much as i could. I don't feel the hate towards myself and my experience so much anymore. Now it is more at a level of "OK, this is what is happening, I will learn to live peacefully with myself". Now that is a big order! Easier said than done, as they say.
That is why this forum has been helpful, hearing that i am not alone, that others experience the same phenomena on various levels of undermining a potentially fulfilling life.

 

[AnD]

:)
Peace at heart
That is a true gift
And sometimes it is them, the others, don't take any shit from them