Dealing With My Mother

[stuckinmyhead]

My PTSD stems from being abused by my father as a child. Looking back on it all, it seems like my mom only took action when I was noticeably hurt as far as calling police, but they never did anything and she never left to protect me. Now I have kids of my own and she is constantly telling me how to raise them and saying "when you were that age... blah blah", basically telling me all the time that i'm doing it wrong and it's become a huge trigger for me. I get so angry and have to fight not to go off on her. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I realize that I need to say something before I blow up and I know it won't come out nicely. I just can't have someone who let me be terrorized my whole childhood tell me how to raise my kids, it's not fair and feels SO hypocritical. I'm doing my best to be a better parent than either of them were while still being fair, but firm when it comes to their behavior. My kids are 5 and 9 and I want to enjoy the time while they're small while shaping them into the men I hope they'll turn out to be. I use discipline methods like time outs, taking toys away when needed, no fun stuff if they're not behaving or doing poorly in school and it works for the most part, I will NEVER beat them or let them feel the way I did as a kid, scared and helpless all the time. I feel that I'm doing a pretty decent job, so how do I tell her that without sounding like a jerk or worse, letting my anger get the best of me and being rude and disrespectful to my mom?

*sigh*

One Frustrated Parent.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't know if this is the right thing to post or not @stuckinmyhead , but i left not my children's father before he could do serious damage. My kids hate me for it. I feel as if, as a mother, we are, at times, damned if we do and damned if we don't. I chose to err on the side of caution. It wasn't easy being a single mother. No bank loans to get decent housing, although I had a great job, no support from the ex, nobody to enforce support. It was a nightmare. I have three sons and I must say that they are furious at me for having 'ripped their loving family apart'. lol. They have no idea. They are blocking it all.

Just a different side. Not even certain that it makes sense.

 

[stuckinmyhead]

@shimmerz sadly I've been slowly hating her for staying, but it didn't kick in until I was grown and in therapy. It sucks.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

i left not my children's father before he could do serious damage. My kids hate me for it.

In my personal opinion, that is absolutely the most loving thing a mother could do.

 

[ghotiff]

Now I have kids of my own and she is constantly telling me how to raise them and saying "when you were that age... blah blah", basically telling me all the time that i'm doing it wrong

I hear you loud and clear. My mother knew about my sexual abuse and continued to send me to that gymnastics teacher for the next 5 years. I was also brought up in a home where my mother was "always right" and that belief is so ingrained for me.

In my therapy I am constantly checking that my parenting decisions are okay. I am learning that I get concerned when I do something my mother would think of as bad parenting. My T explains why it's appropriate parenting and how it's in line with MY values (not my mothers). In a nutshell I value respect and kindness, my mother values order and appearances.

My kids are a bit older than yours and I found it gets a bit easier as they get older as their personalities dominate more how you need to parent them.

 

[Springer80]

I say blow your top. Your both grown ups. You have a right to defend your opinion. Respecting your elders doesn't really come into it.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

@stuckinmyhead: I'm slowly learning that, with some people, you have to somehow NOT CARE when they say hateful stuff. It's easier said than done.

The things people say can be so ******* triggering that I just feel so much rage and anger wanting to explode out of me. It's horrible. I can only imagine how you feel when your mom critiques your parenting, especially since it sounds like you're being a much better parent than she was. AAAAARGH!!!

After a conversation in which someone says something like that, I try to remind myself of the ignorance and/or idiocy that could have led to their messed-up thoughts. Maybe that's not a healthy way of dealing with triggers, but it helps me feel better.

But right when they say it, during the conversation, I don't really know what to do. If it's something real bad I might dissociate and get a bit "floaty," and be tuned out of the conversation. Should I make an excuse and say I need to go, just to stop the conversation? The problem with symptoms is that they take over and I can't even remember to stop the conversation! :cry:

I guess ultimately it's a self-esteem thing, and it exemplifies my low self-esteem when I take words so personally. Sounds like I need CBT. Great. "Issue resolved."

Apologies for this convoluted post.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I guess I'm puzzled about why you give a damn about hurting her feelings when she never gave a damn about subjecting you to an abuser as a child. That's not love. If she didn't want to protect her children, she never should have had them. That's sort of job number one for a parent!

 

[shimmerz]

Sorry, didn't mean to direct the post back to me. Just going through something right now. I do recall my mother constantly telling me how to mother my children (she died when my first son was 9 months old). It was annoying as hell, even without the issue of 'her' as my parent and being abusive (in a different way from your mother). The arrogance or perhaps the denial would actually drive me nuts. Have you tried to talk to her at all about it? If not, I wouldn't blow my top right away but be firm as to what you are saying. The fact that she can't pick up on your anger already really says something imho. It sounds like she is oblivious and may need a blowing up just to get her attention.

I just want to say that I think you are fabulous for checking in with your T. Your children are obviously very lucky to have you.

@The One Who Knocks , thank you so much for the kind words. I don't get many of those and it really warmed my heart. I am very appreciative. :hug:

 

[stuckinmyhead]

I guess I'm puzzled about why you give a damn about hurting her feelings when she never gave a damn about subjecting you to an abuser as a child.

Regardless, she's still my mother, I love her, I know she loves me in her own way and I would like to forgive her some day and I'd like her to understand me, I'm just not sure how to get there yet. I won't be that person who holds hate in my heart, it's not good or beneficial for anyone, I just need to start working on forgiveness even if it only benefits me.

 

[Nam]

I'm almost positive it's guilt ridden advice. Second chance for her to feel better about herself.

Don't let your mother's opinion make you second guess your parenting style. Those of us that grew up in emotionally neglect households don't really know what real parenting is. We were only shown the dysfunctional one. So we go through it a little blindly knowing that we certainly don't want to repeat what was done to us. Because you are obviously doing that, you are headed in the right direction. Just listen to your kids. They really teach you how to parent them.

And here is what my snotty side wants to say: Your mother failed at mothering and being there for you when you needed her. You do not need to take advice from her. There are many of us too that have had great childhoods and we still don't take advice from our mothers.

 

[ghotiff]

Regardless, she's still my mother, I love her, I know she loves me in her own way and I would like to forgive her some day

This resonated with me but change "I love her" to "I would like to love her".