Dealing With My Mother

[stuckinmyhead]

It needs no change. I do love her, even if I had to cut her out of my life completely I'd still love her. I'm not going to hate her because she doesn't see or feel things like I do, I will simply make whatever changes are necessary for my life to be better. My father was terrible to me, but I can honestly say that I love him, he's my dad, I've forgiven him and I have to figure out where I go from here. And to avoid any confusion my father is dead so I'm working this all out after the fact.

 

[nic1633]

Seems like @Nam is completely right! Often older parents feel terrible for the things they put their children through, but they still don't have the tools to make proper amends. She has her own demons. You just do you and make sure you set boundaries with her. You don't have to be a jerk but you don't have to be a doormat either!! Good luck.

 

[MomOfTwo]

Regardless, she's still my mother, I love her, I know she loves me in her own way and I would like to forgive her some day and I'd like her to understand me, I'm just not sure how to get there yet. I won't be that person who holds hate in my heart, it's not good or beneficial for anyone, I just need to start working on forgiveness even if it only benefits me.

Beautiful quote. I get what you are saying. I have twin 6 year olds and my mother has criticized me on several occasions. I have lost my mind on her a few times in the past. I don't like to be like that so if she phones and if I am not in a right frame of mind I chose not to answer the phone. I love my mom and accept that she will never change and so the only one who can is me. I feel she is incapable of giving me what I deserved and still deserve. I have never been mothered and so any sort of nurturing I need is something I need to do for myself. I know my mom loves me too in her own way. I think she thinks of me as her parent and needs me more than I need her if that makes sense.

I do not discuss parenting issues with her so I am not inviting a response from her to tell me what I am doing wrong. I have told her in the past that she had her time to raise her children and it was my turn to raise my own and I did not need advice. You are not being disrespectful to tell your mom to respect you. Respect means her not telling you what you are doing wrong but telling you what a great job you are doing. In order for you to have an adult/adult relationship with your mother you have to be respected for your choices. You are stopping the cycle. You are raising healthy boys. My father was very violent to my mom and to me and my siblings. I have more resentment towards my mom I think because I think she should have protected us and as well she still creates drama in my life now. My dad does not create drama which makes it easier to forgive him. He is always there for me as well now.

 

[MomOfTwo]

I have three sons and I must say that they are furious at me for having 'ripped their loving family apart'. lol. They have no idea. They are blocking it all.

Just a different side. Not even certain that it makes sense.

Wow.... sorry you had to go through that. I hope one day your boys will see the sacrifices you made to 'save' them. It may take them having their own children to see what sacrifices you made to make things better for them. I am glad you were able to get your boys and yourself out of that situation.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You just tell your mom that you are the mom and she is just the grandmother and for her to stuff it. Her turn is all over, your kids are your kids not hers.

 

[sun seeker]

How about something like this when she starts telling you how to raise your kids:
Her: You really should.... [insert advice here]
You: Thank you for your concern. What do you think of the weather lately?
Her: You're not listening, I said you should [repeated advice].
You: Thank you for your concern. Do you want to go for a walk with us while it's nice out?
Her: I SAID you should [repeat advice, louder]
You: Thank you for your concern. I'm going out now, want to come?
Her, getting huffy: Well, if you don't want to listen to me, I'll just keep my advice to myself.
You: That's fine. Are you coming?

No need to get mad, but gets the point across. Two crucial points: the more upset she gets, the calmer you get; and, don't elaborate, just keep repeating "thank you for your concern" without rising to her bait.

Do you think something like that might work?