Dealing With Parents At My Son's School

[girlwithwings]

Hi all,


I had a really messed up childhood. It included beatings, sexual abuse and emotional abuse. I left home at 15 to save my own life. It really hit hard when I had my son. Now he has trauma too. From two hospitalizations involving blood squirting everywhere and him screaming for help from me while they held him down to save his life and hurt him . (At one and three years old) He also has had to deal with seeing his Dad smash my face in. (I left) Now he is in a small private school who (god bless these women) are willing to help us. He is very sensitive and triggers easily. The kids taunt the hell out of him. He hits. They stop for awhile. Now the other mothers have let me know that they think he is the source of all violence in the class, and when I opened up (big mistake!) to one of them about what happened I got no response. I know the other moms don't look at me or smile at us or talk to me. I will never have another child out of fear. I never wanted this. I just wanted him to be happy- happier than I was but now he is not. I was isolated by my parents on purpose. He is isolated because I have not got one mom friend, and everyone thinks we are freaks. I sometimes think of the two mothers I met while I was traveling in my early twenties- looking for the pieces of myself that were shattered far and wide- with small children. It was plain as day they were running- I assumed from men who they feared for their life from. I saw a part of myself in them, though I did not know what. Maybe though they were like me- not much to lose except being alone surrounded by people who are not even strangers, at least the scenery and faces change. Anyway I just could use some words from any other mom who could possibly relate, feeling like running to the Canadian wilderness with my son. I won't, I could not be that selfish but it is my fantasy right now I feel so alienated and hopeless.

thanks, L

 

[kers]

You have a lot to deal with. It sounds like the biggest blessing is that he is in a school where the staff are trying to help him and are accepting of the challenges. So the next step is finding ways to help him be more successful in the classroom, and forming connections for you both to the community.

I have several thoughts; one is that although he goes to that school, your and his friends do not, necessarily need to come from there. Although of course you'd both prefer it, so maybe there are resources that can help you with that? Is there a guidance counselor your son can work with? Many counselors run groups that focus on different social skills. Although you and he feel so alone right now, I can assure you that he is not the only child in the world struggling with self-control, reactivity, and social interactions.

Many schools do, unfortunately, have an insular community. It takes time--and a thick skin--to penetrate 'the inner circle.' Whether you want to continue trying is up to you, but even though the moms you've met have been standoffish, maybe there are a few moms who aren't--the more events you go to and conversations you strike up, the more likely you are to find them. I'd also add that I told a best friend about my history and had no response. Many people have no idea to handle it.

I'm just throwing ideas out there, and maybe one will stick. I know when I feel disheartened, I sometimes just need people to keep giving me choices and suggestions. If that's not helpful to you, just ignore me!

You are clearly a caring mom who wants to help her son. He's lucky he's got you.

 

[catjudo]

although he goes to that school, your and his friends do not, necessarily need to come from there. Although of course you'd both prefer it, so maybe there are resources that can help you with that?

There is a website [DLMURL]http://www.meetup.com/[/DLMURL] that is a great resource for helping find new friends and establish a social group within your community. I highly recommend checking out this website to see if there are any social groups (might be a mom's or parenting group, could be something completely unrelated) in your area that you could join. I've found it a great way to meet new people and establish connections and friendships.

 

[Heather]

I feel very similar to you.....the 10 months have been so very hard and over the summer I was in the hospital. So, when my daughter entered first grade I felt like an alien on the school ground. People I knew from her kindergarten class would ask me how my summer was, what I'd been up to etc, etc, I can't have a conversation with them anymore. My life is no longer playdates or PTA meetings. It's nightmares and flashbacks. I've become very withdrawn and distant and now no one talks to me they all think I'm a complete and total bitch but i just can't deal.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Right there with you, Heather.

I will say that it's helpful to make our first contact of the year with our kid's teachers, principal be a positive one.

I like doing service type stuff rather than 'interacting with human beings' stuff so I usually ask them if there's anything for their classroom 'wish list' that we can get. I can't be there to help with most of the day to day stuff, but I can try to help out with providing some extra supplies like tissues, gluesticks, etc. and when dropping them off, make a positive interaction out of it, and get a sense of how they prefer to communicate.

I do have major anxiety just going into the schools but I'm hoping some of these triggers get better.

 

[Heather]

I did confide in my daughters teacher and her "team" at the last ppt I had...i can't seem to get through any of those meetings without crying....they probably think i'm a basket case but they need to know not only what i'm dealing with but how it has affected nicole as well. it's been really hard on her too and i feel awful about that. so, they do know and it was meant with compassion and understanding which i really appreciated. but i really wish i could get through one of those friggin' meeting without sobbing uncotrollably!

 

[AmyO]

I don't know if anyone is still following this, but if you are I could really use a few hints. My kids school is the exact opposite. They trigger him at ever turn, they treat him like a outcast, and recently he came home with marks under his arms from where they had to 'restrain him'. They all know what my kids went through and I have come back with that they think that it has been long enough (two yrs) and that it should be done with. One teacher actually refers to it as PSTD! Are you kidding me? I asked her, "he has an emotional problem not gonorhrea " Help me understand that why it is if it doesn't happen to them...it's not important.

 

[Heather]

Amy -
Reading your post makes me really angry at the teachers and your school! What the hell?! I use to work with special needs kids and if you restrain a child PROPERLY there never ever should be any marks EVER! I'd be furious if that were my child. I'd also be having a huge problem with that teacher that suggested that it was pstd......

When my daughter was in kindergarten last year her teacher and the principal did NOT like me at all. There were some incidents that happened at the school that I was not happy about and I raised holy hell. However, I did not care, it was my child that I had to protect. My mother took my daughter to a pta run school dance and this boy in her class kissed her on the mouth. My daughter comes home and is freaking out in the b.r. wiping her mouth and screaming, "I can't get it off" "I can't get it off". My daughter wasn't sleeping. She was having nightmares and she was back to sleeping in my bed something she hadn't done in months. All she wanted was for that kid to apologize. The school wouldn't do anything and refused to make him apologize. She wanted to talk to the principal and he wouldn't speak with her. I got on the phone with him and I'm a pretty laid back person, I usually use my first name. Not this time, I said this is Mrs....... At first he was very condescending and I firmly said to him, "excuse me, I do not appreciate your attitude at all......" he quickly changed his tude and agreed to talk to my daughter. He also agreed to talk to that boy who kissed her and assured me that if he spoke with him he'd never touch my child again. I said, "I can live with that".

As a rule I don't like confrontation but if you mess with my kid you run the risk of unleashing some primal instinct that's gonna allow me to rip your asshole out your mouth. That's exactly what I did. I was not popular at all after that day, Amy. I don't regret what I did at all because my daughter feels protected and that's all that matters.

If I were you I would be all over your sons teacher and the principal until those issues got resolved. If they don't like it to bad this is your child and he needs protecting.

Take care of yourself. Heather

 

[AmyO]

I reported them to the county and took my son to have it documented at the docs. I have pics on file and I am in contact with the national board of education about the school.

I was very hot when I saw the marks, that is right when I took him to the doctor and reported them to the county. This is a seriously messed up place because now I am working with the county because they reported me the CPS. Nice huh? I go to the school every day and sit outside his classroom looking in the window because they say I would be too disruptive in class.

They just won't listen. I am trying to change the system and it is hard when you have people that are supposed to be educators and just don't seem to care. I haven't given up though...I will continue to sit outside the school letting them know that I am always watching and now I got a video camera. Sad isn't it.

A lot of the parents have been told by the teachers about their abuse and some have actually asked me if the boys can be trusted around little girls!!! It is all I can do to keep from going postal on the whole lot. I know that the constant triggers have aggravated his condition to the point that I am considering home schooling him, but he was 'locked up' for his entire life and I don't want to take away that contact if I don't have to.

You see, my ex had us locked in. There was a padlock on the back door and the door had a double sided lock and he kept the key. The windows were nailed shut except for the one that I had to put the kids through to get them to the bus (my two older ones) and I had to be back before he called from work or he would come home to beat me.

That is why C has the hardest time, that was all he knew. Wish me luck , because I have a meeting with the T and the teachers and the school administrators 2m.

 

[Heather]

Hi Amy -
Good for you! You go girl! Don't back down. I wish you all the luck in the world. You are doing the right thing. To bad you couldn't transfer him to another school. I like the fact that you have the video camera that's great!

to them!

Take care! I admire your courage and tenacity. Hugs. Heather

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((AmyO))))) & ((((GirlWithWings))))

I'm sorry I can't read much now, but sending you wishes for strength and...give yourself permission to get yer Mama Grizzly on as much as you need to.

Is there another parent with similar struggles who you could band together with? Strength in numbers....

Also, getting the media involved can sometimes help.

I've blogged local stupidity and while it makes many people back away, the local agencies never ignore me when I ask for something, LOL.

Have a written 'request for remedy'...be very specific...and demand a written response.

Please let us know how it goes...

 

[AmyO]

Thank you Heather! I hope I can keep up the strength. Just telling a lot of this has started a lot of tears. I just flashed on a mental pic of my poor kids cleaning me up after he beat me. Sorry...too much pain just hit me all at once. I am glad to have been able to talk to you though. No one else knew about all that. Thank you again for listening.