Dealing With Parents Who Abused Me

[a3a2]

First, a brief history. My PTSD was cause by long term physical and mental child abuse and neglect at the hands of my parents, as well as sexual abuse at the hands of a distant relative (now dead, thank God!). I ended up running away from home, and then in foster care. I am completely convinced that the abuse from my parents was the result of untreated mental illness.

I have tried to be understanding and forgiving and even spend limited time with them, and allow them (very) limited contact with my kids. The problem is, they drive me NUTS!!!!! I have very little patience for their stupid ramblings. I do fine talking on the phone, but the once a year visit is a killer. I over-react to their stupid manipulation, and then I'm the black sheep.

My T says going back there is "emotionally dangerous" for me, and yet I persist. I feel so guilty if I don't go (they are aging fast), and guilty if I do go and over-react to their stupid rambling. They are my parents, and I desire a relationship with them, even if it isn't exactly a "parental" relationship, but I just can't cap my anger. They have never admitted wrongdoing, but I suspect there is a lot of guilt.

Got any suggestions for me?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Many of us, that have had toxic relationships cut them out. I know it's your parents, and I know that you would love to have a relationship with them. But, you really need to stop and question yourself. Is this really healthy? Is it helping you to get well? How much of this is hurting you?

Toxic people (even those with mental illness and without malice), can still hurt us in the long run.....

 

[BrownEyes]

Hi a3a2,

I just read your post and I could have written it word for word. I am in the exact same situation as you, and I also feel guilty for keeping my distance from my abusive mentally ill parents, especially my mother (my parents are divorced).

I know they are completely unhealthy for me, and so I see my mother once or twice a year now. I also have my husband take our daughter to see her about four times a year, without me, because it's too stressful for me to go.

But I still feel a lot of guilt. I know they are getting older, my father is 75, my mother is 65. I just want to do the right thing for all involved, and I realize that my immediate family comes first.

I need to stay healthy for my husband and daughter, and even though I would so dearly love a relationship with my parents, if having one makes me unhealthy to the pint where it affects my life with my husband and my daughter, then I need to let my parents go. It's an extremely tough decision and I still struggle with it often.

I wrote this to let you know you are not alone, and my thoughts are with you as you go through this. Take care.

 

[a3a2]

Thanks, Browneyes. Just got back from my once a year visit, and the anger just keeps building. I feel like kicking something or smashing something. Trying to hold it together. Your note is making me cry, but I guess that's a good thing.

I know, Shecat, that you are probably right. Sometimes I come back feeling near suicidal. I just can't cut ties completely. One of my siblings already has, and I never hear the end of how it hurts my mom, and how could he do this? Blah, blah, blah. I know it is manipulation. Never-the-less, I can't break it off.

Feeling really crappy today. Good thing I see the T soon.

 

[sigh]

Brown Eyes--I empathize with you. My mom is just the biggest irresponsible, materialistic, demonizing narcissist while my father is just a sociopath (we looked it up). They are right here (I mean a few miles from my house).. I used to live 3000 mi. away. ugh. I am my mom's lackey (a thread unto itself), and I must tolerate my father because he is in control of the majority of my money (my grandmother left me some money and put him in control of it).

egads... at least the last time I was at my mom's, she gave me some nectarines. First fresh fruit in a long time.

 

[Jagged Angel]

Hi a3a2, I know that there are a lot of emotions attached to having parents, but if these people were acquaintances of yours (as opposed to being family members), would you still feel the same way? Don't be fooled by the concept that blood is thicker than water... it's not.

I can see that you feel a level of guilt surrounding your parents and letting them into your and your children's lives, but would it be so bad to cut your parents loose from your life? It is obvious that they are toxic for you, so what kind of effect are they having on your children?

You need to do what's best for you and your husband and your children, not what's best for people who abused you...

 

[a3a2]

Jagged,

If they weren't family, I would steer WAY clear. As it is, I made sure to live several states away. They don't really mess with my kids because they seem to recognize that it would be the last straw. They wait till my kids are out of the room, or outside with their dad. We spend A LOT of time outside when we are there. My husband does take the brunt of my father's idiocy. I don't know if I disassociate or what, but every time that guy (my father) opens his mouth, I completely blank out. Can't hear a thing he's saying. I could be on a completely different planet.

Got a year to think about it. And I will think on it. Thanks.

 

[shiraz]

Hi a3a2,

I have been unable to cut my parents off either and I should for the same reasons you have. I wonder sometimes if it is because I am still waiting for something from them, some sort of validation perhaps ... I just can't think about hurting my mom - but then I think about all the ways she hurt me and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

I don't care about my dad. I could hurt him. They are still together and so I just avoid them as much as possible and they seem to have gotten the idea that they should leave well enough alone. To tell you the truth though, it would be a welcome relief to just cut them off - somehow, I just can't.

 

[a3a2]

Shiraz,

I understand EVERYTHING about what you said! I think I am past the need for validation thing....although maybe I'm not. One of the things that really irks me, is how often they talk about their "golden child". H-m-m-m, guess I need to work on that.

If it was just my father, I would have no difficulty cutting ties. He was the main abuser, my mom hated the violence, and escaped it by going to work, and leaving us kids with the jerk.

Sometimes, I think it would be better for her if I cut ties....at least seeing her. I have a lot of anger toward her for not stepping in, for denying the abuse, and for inviting the creep she knew had sexually abused me to our home numerous times AFTER I told her what he had done. I find it very difficult to squelch that anger and react to very trivial things. At the moment, cutting ties really looks good! But, if I am honest, I know I will probably be guilted into another visit next year.

Man, I hope no one in my family ever visits this forum! They will know exactly who wrote this!

Thanks for the understanding.

 

[midi]

Same situation here, only, the sexual abuse was my parents' friends. I don't have a relationship with either of them. I tried again this year with my father, but things didn't change.

Try to consider your mental health first.

 

[shiraz]

Speak of the Devil ... text message today from my father ...

'Mom and I miss you, it would be good to chat, please can we come see you ...'

Unbelievable timing! Unbelievable!!!

 

[a3a2]

Thanks, midi. Had a good therapy seesion yesterday and sorted out a lot of things. Whew! Feeling much better. Maybe next summer I take a little break from them.

Love your location!