Howdy again,
T-Light, I very much relate to what you said here: "I want to feel strong and capable and, most importantly, SAFE.....on my very own." I got so sick of my sense of safety being so variable, so much a crap-shoot. For years I didn't even make plans to do things because the paralyzing fear could come up and I'd be worthless; sure, I could force my body to still go, but I'd simply depersonalize and/or disocciate and trying to force myself back into my body was like trying to catch smoke and put it in a jar.
For personal, one-on-one providers, you can go to the website and look for providers in your area (thepathway.org). It does cost, and most insurances don't pay, but if you find a therapist who is certified in this model, and who is a provider on your insurance, you could get coverage. There are 6 kits and they take about 3 months each to work through. I've joined a "telegroup" which lasts 3 months at a time and is $169 a month. I've just decided to stay in a group until I have "my solution" (which is, I don't need to use substances [alcohol, drugs, bulimia, smoking, whatever] or behaviors [disocciating, numbing, workaholism, tv, reading, whatever] that I've used as a "best try" to help myself but are a (sorry) replacement for a secure connection to myself.
Now, I'm not saying I'll never drink a beer when under stress, but my connection with myself (which, initially, was almost non-existent) has steadily improved to the point where I can actually see it happening for me on an automatic basis (it sometimes happens automatically now) to where I reach within more than I do for those things that I have used in the past.
It's all about neuroplasticity, which means that the brain CAN be re-wired, even after trauma. Rewiring requires two things, however: intensity (intense use of rewiring skills) and repetition. Very similar to developing a difficult and new skill (i.e. piano), one must practice repetitively, and with intensity, to wire for it.
Since an organism will resist change (especially under stress, since it's going to its 'safest' default - however maladaptive) it's difficult and it takes support. On sheer will alone I did it for 18 months without support, but it got too hard and I was stalling out. With the purchase of a kit, though, you get 18 months of access to the website's posting boards and there is support (peer as well as provider) there.
For me, in my mind, I put it in my budget like a car, mortgage or credit card payment. Sure, I'm not responsible for how the wiring got there. But I, and only I, can change it. This method is the only thing that's helping me rewire down where that fear began, to alter the fear response at a deep level. Changing at the root is the only thing that works for me. I've NEVER, ever, in my life had an inner sense of safety, comfort, reassurance. This method is the only thing I've found that helps me develop it.
Emma - In this modality, part of developing that responsive, loving safety is doing (a minimum of) 10 "check ins" a day. I have an alarm on my watch that I set to go off hourly. At each check-in the idea is to 1) Lovingly observe yourself, as though you were a good/loving parent or some other caregiver that works, 2) Bring up a "nurturing inner voice" (and maybe hear the words that you most need to hear, right at that moment - mine is very often, "it's ok, it'll be ok" and 3) Access your inner sanctuary - safe place.
At first, as a loving observer, I had to come up with some vision of a Buddhist monk or something, but eventually, it became sort of like the highest, spiritual part of me. Now, it's ME.
Also, at first, I had no nurturing inner voice. I had to copy from what I'd seen (ok, no laughing now :rolleyes:, but at first it was Julie Andrews as the mom in The Sound of Music and then I think I went to Laura Engals' mom, from Little House on the Prairie, but now it's my own).
I had NO sense of sanctuary and trying to access something like that was like, well, that sense of trying to grasp smoke. I now have a sense of sanctuary, which I will continue to build, brick-by-brick, until its complete and sturdy, powerful and safe.
Also, after I have a strong sense of nurturing, I can then also develop secure limits - like a truly good, responsive parent. Developing both give me a sense of power and security and a way to move in the world without constant, self-deserting fear.
Does that help?
-Dylan
