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Dealing with shame after suicide ideation

PTSDandme

New Here
During my lowest and darkest times I contemplated suicide most days. At the time I didn't really accept that this was what I was thinking. My ideation was more about wanting to die rather than wanting to kill myself - if that makes sense. I would fantasise about ways in which I could die without it looking like suicide. Only since I have been better have I realised that this was suicide ideation and I'm struggling to come to terms with the feelings of shame I have about it. Recently, a colleague took her own life and this caused a trauma response for me. I became overwhelmed with guilt and shame and remembering the feelings I had when I wanted to die. Rather than focusing on my colleague and her family my head went straight to that place where I was at the time - flashbacks of how it felt, catastrophising about what would have happened if I had done it and huge guilt and shame about how awful it would have been for my family in friends if I had taken my life. This then led to more guilt and shame about the fact that I was making this about me instead of my lovely colleague who has died.
I guess I'm looking for others who have experienced a similar reaction and some advice as to how to move forward from this part of my ptsd life.
 
hello ptsdandme. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

for my own psycho nickel, i start this one with grief theories. yes, grief triggers my ptsd symptoms, but grief is a force of nature in and of itself. i am currently 3.5 years into grieving the traffic death of my son at age 35. the grief still whelms me at the most unexpected and inconvenient of moments. i'm still not sure i can distinguish the grief from the ptsd symptoms, but i'm not sure the which is which really matters. ply therapy tools here.

in the case of a more socially distant death, such as a colleague or a neighbor, news of a death brings a lighter grief which cycles through to my strictly personal emotions far quicker, especially in the case of a suicide which triggers intense flashbacks to my own suicidal ideation and the suicides of 2 genetic brothers and countless sibs-in-healing.

how to move forward? i buy the notion that the quickest way forward is straight on through, one episode at a time. when a whelming hits, i make room for a therapy break and process the one episode as far as needed to get through the one episode. i worry about the next episode when it blows up in my heart.

but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.
 
During my lowest and darkest times I contemplated suicide most days. At the time I didn't really accept that this was what I was thinking. My ideation was more about wanting to die rather than wanting to kill myself - if that makes sense. I would fantasise about ways in which I could die without it looking like suicide. Only since I have been better have I realised that this was suicide ideation and I'm struggling to come to terms with the feelings of shame I have about it. Recently, a colleague took her own life and this caused a trauma response for me. I became overwhelmed with guilt and shame and remembering the feelings I had when I wanted to die. Rather than focusing on my colleague and her family my head went straight to that place where I was at the time - flashbacks of how it felt, catastrophising about what would have happened if I had done it and huge guilt and shame about how awful it would have been for my family in friends if I had taken my life. This then led to more guilt and shame about the fact that I was making this about me instead of my lovely colleague who has died.
I guess I'm looking for others who have experienced a similar reaction and some advice as to how to move forward from this part of my ptsd life.
I had 2 friends commit suicide within 2 weeks of each other. It was in 2013 and it caused a total breakdown that I'm just now crawling out of. There was substance abuse to the point that I went to rehab twice, 3 close calls with suicide attempts and now I still have cptsd so badly that I can't speak or even see most of my friends from the past because it triggers a response that's so immediate and suicidal that it terrifies me. I can't even talk to my kids which is the worst. I cry all the time because of it.
I am healing now and feel like I'm moving up instead of down. So don't feel guilty and don't give up because you can live with this and still have a good life.
 
In response to....Dealing with shame after suicide ideation....



When you were at your lowest, dwelling upon negative thoughts such as dying and suicide will have certainly dominated.
You very much wanted to die, creating a mental environment that encouraged your thoughts and feelings towards death to only become more powerful. As your long (and lonely) struggle during this dark part of your jouney continued, the depression will have contributed to your eventual obsession with death.
It's very understandable to feel that dying is the only means of escape. You were descending to a very dark place in your mental health journey.
However....Something inside held back when those ideas to end your life were very clear to you.
Thoughts of how to die without it looking like suicide were perhaps a way of wanting to delay and suppress that overwhelming need to end your life. In a way, your deepest, darkest period may have been a reminder that life can be so fragile and end very easily and quickly.
People don't appreciate that when someone experiences very deep mental health issues, death may become a preoccupation.
Fortunately. As time moved on, a tiny spark of light shone and lead you out of the darkest part of your mental health journey.
However. As you progressed towards the positive light of recovery, all of that darkness you left behind couldn't just fade away. A prominent part of your life, your memories and who you were at the time were very deeply buried.
The shock of your colleague's passing will have re-ignited emotions from when you were at the darkest part of your journey.
Emotions and memories that subsided so deep you thought they disappeared - only to re-emerge upon the tragic news of your colleague's passing.
The guilt and shame could all be part of your recovery. They are feelings 'in the present'.....Whilst seriously reflecting your past.
In the past you were dealing with the struggle from your own perspective. It was about your obsession with death. What death meant to you. What death would feel like to you. Would it be painful? Could I end my own life and make it appear like an illness or accident?......
Your recovery has given you a different perspective on life and what sadly happened to your colleague has made you view the subject of death from a totally different angle.
This has happened to someone else and you've witnessed the devastating effects. As well. You may have a deeper understanding than many of how your colleague may have been suffering in silence. This is something you can relate to. She may have been dealing with private turmoil that nobody knew about and her passing will have brought something very close and painful to you.
To go through the mixed, unsettling emotions of the bereavement - the combination of entwined guilt will only make it worse.
What needs to be addressed are your feelings to do with death and dying. You want to move on and put an end to those awakened feelings about death.
Counselling may help to deal with your death concerns - and perhaps your life journey prior to these issues.
You feel much guilt and shame about focusing upon your own problems, rather than your colleague and her family. However. Focusing on your own problems is nothing different to anyone else. Even when someone passes away, people will continue to focus on their own problems and deal with their own lives. That's because life goes on and everyone else has to carry on......
Yet, at the same time, for each who knew the person who passed away - there will be something very special, personal and individual.
Your colleague's passing brought about something very personal to you.
People may ask themselves.....Could I have helped?.....Should I have noticed?......Yet there are things in life (which death is a part of) that we can never understand.
For you, from now onwards, it's important to prioritise yourself and focus upon your issues.
Death is a subject people don't talk about.
However. Your worries and concerns over death (albeit very heightened) may have a positive effect on your life in the long term.
Deep underneath. Many people harbour fears about death and dying but suppress these feelings and emotions.
Perhaps your obessive thoughts about death allowed your mind to become liberated because you freely thought about a subject that many other people just can't do.
Your thoughts and feelings about death are not that unusual nor unhealthy as death is a part of our lives.
Accepting them will help towards your already successful and positive recovery.
 
This then led to more guilt and shame about the fact that I was making this about me instead of…
This is one of the hardest things for me, about PTSD.

I could list out dozens, maybe even hundreds, of examples. All of which boils down to my past, bulldozing my present; my ability to be present, be myself, be who I want to be, act how I want to act, think & feel how I want to think& feel, be a good friend, be a good mom, be… so much.

So you’re definitely not alone in it.
 
I had 2 friends commit suicide within 2 weeks of each other. It was in 2013 and it caused a total breakdown that I'm just now crawling out of. There was substance abuse to the point that I went to rehab twice, 3 close calls with suicide attempts and now I still have cptsd so badly that I can't speak or even see most of my friends from the past because it triggers a response that's so immediate and suicidal that it terrifies me. I can't even talk to my kids which is the worst. I cry all the time because of it.
I am healing now and feel like I'm moving up instead of down. So don't feel guilty and don't give up because you can live with this and still have a good li

I hate this life it’s to painful lost my brother then boyfriend through suicide same month a year apart one 19 July the other 9 July had cut my boyfriend off post I just want be with them life as stopped for me I cry 24.7
 
I hate this life it’s to painful lost my brother then boyfriend through suicide same month a year apart one 19 July the other 9 July had cut my boyfriend off post I just want be with them life as stopped for me I cry 24.7
I feel like that a lot too. Now I count time in my life as before and after suicides. Whenever I want to die I think about how bad I hurt when my friends committed suicide. I don't want to make my family and friends feel that way. I'm isolated but not still love them. Sometimes I'm resentful because I need to stay in this awful existence, or I hurt them. I wish I could completely erase myself from memory.
 
I feel like that a lot too. Now I count time in my life as before and after suicides. Whenever I want to die I think about how bad I hurt when my friends committed suicide. I don't want to make my family and friends feel that way. I'm isolated but not still love them. Sometimes I'm resentful because I need to stay in this awful existence, or I hurt them. I wish I could completely erase myself from memory.
That’s how I honestly feel
 
I had that stage, I think partly it involved taking away the option of ending pain that is unbearable, an obstacle of sorts. A bigger part is the work/ effort/ faith/ accepting kindness that despite what others have done, chosen, or do or say to me, I must try to accept I have some value, or figure out a way to break free from it, lessen pain. And deal with survivor's guilt.

Welcome to you and I am sorry for your pain.
 
I just cried when I read your post. For the past year, I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts. This may sound trite but this is how I talked myself out of it. First of all, we don't know what happens when we take our own life. Is death different than if someone dies naturally. Do you still have your problems when you die but are unable to resolve them? Could things actually be worse? Those who love you would never fully recover. It would be such a betrayal to them. They would forever wander if they could have done something different. While you are alive, there is always hope that you can get through this and there is always someone to talk to. I had to develop a different mindset.; otherwise, this kind of thinking can be addictive. When the thoughts appear now, I just say to myself, "sorry, but this is just not an option." It empowers me! I am taking a class called Change Your Thoughts and Change Your Life. Thinking has become a disease. In fact, we are enslaved to it. Most of our thoughts and self talk is negative, unhealthy and dangerous. Whether it is true or not, we believe it to be the truth. A good example are the good and decent people that join a cult and become indoctrinated and brainwashed to the point where they disown their family members and are willing to have sex with the leader.

I now realize how important it is to like and love myself. I now treat myself that way. I now understand that everything I do begins with thinking. If I want to feel good, I have to think good. A wise person told me that we may not be able to control our thoughts, but we don't have to engage with them. When these dark thoughts enter my psyche, I just notice them and remind myself that I will not engage with them. Eventually, they go away on their own. People wonder why they can't get disturbing thoughts out of their mind. It is because we give these thoughts our full attention and they become stronger until they take you over. With practice, anyone can learn to accept their disturbing thoughts without engaging with them.

We are guided by our thoughts and that is the very reason that we need to be cognizant of our self talk and thinking. We can manage our thinking instead of allowing it to control us. I have taken up meditation and it has really helped. No matter what, I stay busy and that keeps me grounded. Will I have setbacks........probably. But I now have some tools to get me through it. I hope this helps!
 
I feel like that a lot too. Now I count time in my life as before and after suicides. Whenever I want to die I think about how bad I hurt when my friends committed suicide. I don't want to make my family and friends feel that way. I'm isolated but not still love them. Sometimes I'm resentful because I need to stay in this awful existence, or I hurt them. I wish I could completely erase myself from memory.
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That’s how I honestly feel
People say think about the good times you had with your loved ones who took there own life I can not even do that it hurts to much memories flashbacks it’s horrible every one deals with losing somebody in different ways me I am just existing now it’s not living anymore
 
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People say think about the good times you had with your loved ones who took there own life I can not even do that it hurts to much memories flashbacks it’s horrible every one deals with losing somebody in different ways me I am just existing now it’s not living anymore
That’s the purpose of grief.

Grief is what let’s one think of a person gone with laughter, annoyance, joy, irritation, warmth & love, all the EVERYTHING. Instead of pain pain pain regret remorse fury rage pain pain pain.

Trauma f*cks up grief. f*cks up mourning. Holds a person in the moment they were lost, and us in that moment, instead of the entirety of themselves/their lives/our life.
 
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