During my lowest and darkest times I contemplated suicide most days. At the time I didn't really accept that this was what I was thinking. My ideation was more about wanting to die rather than wanting to kill myself - if that makes sense. I would fantasise about ways in which I could die without it looking like suicide. Only since I have been better have I realised that this was suicide ideation and I'm struggling to come to terms with the feelings of shame I have about it. Recently, a colleague took her own life and this caused a trauma response for me. I became overwhelmed with guilt and shame and remembering the feelings I had when I wanted to die. Rather than focusing on my colleague and her family my head went straight to that place where I was at the time - flashbacks of how it felt, catastrophising about what would have happened if I had done it and huge guilt and shame about how awful it would have been for my family in friends if I had taken my life. This then led to more guilt and shame about the fact that I was making this about me instead of my lovely colleague who has died.
I guess I'm looking for others who have experienced a similar reaction and some advice as to how to move forward from this part of my ptsd life.
I guess I'm looking for others who have experienced a similar reaction and some advice as to how to move forward from this part of my ptsd life.