In response to....Dealing with shame after suicide ideation....
When you were at your lowest, dwelling upon negative thoughts such as dying and suicide will have certainly dominated.
You very much wanted to die, creating a mental environment that encouraged your thoughts and feelings towards death to only become more powerful. As your long (and lonely) struggle during this dark part of your jouney continued, the depression will have contributed to your eventual obsession with death.
It's very understandable to feel that dying is the only means of escape. You were descending to a very dark place in your mental health journey.
However....Something inside held back when those ideas to end your life were very clear to you.
Thoughts of how to die without it looking like suicide were perhaps a way of wanting to delay and suppress that overwhelming need to end your life. In a way, your deepest, darkest period may have been a reminder that life can be so fragile and end very easily and quickly.
People don't appreciate that when someone experiences very deep mental health issues, death may become a preoccupation.
Fortunately. As time moved on, a tiny spark of light shone and lead you out of the darkest part of your mental health journey.
However. As you progressed towards the positive light of recovery, all of that darkness you left behind couldn't just fade away. A prominent part of your life, your memories and who you were at the time were very deeply buried.
The shock of your colleague's passing will have re-ignited emotions from when you were at the darkest part of your journey.
Emotions and memories that subsided so deep you thought they disappeared - only to re-emerge upon the tragic news of your colleague's passing.
The guilt and shame could all be part of your recovery. They are feelings 'in the present'.....Whilst seriously reflecting your past.
In the past you were dealing with the struggle from your own perspective. It was about your obsession with death. What death meant to you. What death would feel like to you. Would it be painful? Could I end my own life and make it appear like an illness or accident?......
Your recovery has given you a different perspective on life and what sadly happened to your colleague has made you view the subject of death from a totally different angle.
This has happened to someone else and you've witnessed the devastating effects. As well. You may have a deeper understanding than many of how your colleague may have been suffering in silence. This is something you can relate to. She may have been dealing with private turmoil that nobody knew about and her passing will have brought something very close and painful to you.
To go through the mixed, unsettling emotions of the bereavement - the combination of entwined guilt will only make it worse.
What needs to be addressed are your feelings to do with death and dying. You want to move on and put an end to those awakened feelings about death.
Counselling may help to deal with your death concerns - and perhaps your life journey prior to these issues.
You feel much guilt and shame about focusing upon your own problems, rather than your colleague and her family. However. Focusing on your own problems is nothing different to anyone else. Even when someone passes away, people will continue to focus on their own problems and deal with their own lives. That's because life goes on and everyone else has to carry on......
Yet, at the same time, for each who knew the person who passed away - there will be something very special, personal and individual.
Your colleague's passing brought about something very personal to you.
People may ask themselves.....Could I have helped?.....Should I have noticed?......Yet there are things in life (which death is a part of) that we can never understand.
For you, from now onwards, it's important to prioritise yourself and focus upon your issues.
Death is a subject people don't talk about.
However. Your worries and concerns over death (albeit very heightened) may have a positive effect on your life in the long term.
Deep underneath. Many people harbour fears about death and dying but suppress these feelings and emotions.
Perhaps your obessive thoughts about death allowed your mind to become liberated because you freely thought about a subject that many other people just can't do.
Your thoughts and feelings about death are not that unusual nor unhealthy as death is a part of our lives.
Accepting them will help towards your already successful and positive recovery.
