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- #13
The TV thing is mainly at home - my partner and I live with another couple, whose taste in TV means at any given moment I could walk in/overhear a rape or a beating or torture. In one instance they invited us to watch a film with them, and not having time to read up on it I agreed only to discover it was bringing up issues for me and I was already dissociating hard before I realised.
At work it's the radio. One of the students I supervise always wants to listen to Radio 4, which is usually fine by me, there's a lot of interesting documentaries on (most of the work we do is pretty monotonous). Unfortunately sometimes they get quite graphic. People describing in detail what things have been done to them. But I've admitted preferring Radio 4 over the usual student choice of poppy, commercial stuff so he might think there's something odd about me asking to change the channel. Not to mention this guy in particular is very forward about things and doesn't seem to mind too much about asking questions when it's clear I don't want to give an answer. For example I have to leave a little early for lunch one day a week so I can go to my therapy sessions. For a while he kept asking what my "meeting" was about. I started out with "it's a personal issue". Then I moved to "it's a medical appointment." Then "I have a chronic health condition". At the time it never occurred to me I could just say "none of your goddamned business". I often lose track of time mentally justifying myself to other people, so in real life it's practically automatic by this point for me to give in :bag:
I hadn't really considered before now that my paranoia about being "found out" is something interwoven with my condition. I guess because a lot of my psyche is built on showing no weaknesses no matter how terrified I am, it becomes this huge thing where people will see I'm vulnerable and use it. So I avoid speaking out when I feel upset or angry at something.
That's why I haven't yet been able to say outright what my issues are. I feel like if I shared any of it, I would end up telling people details whether I wanted to or not. I've not had enough practice at drawing clear boundaries to stop myself from just answering whatever is thrown at me. I can absolutely see how it would feel empowering, and I hope one day I can manage that myself.
At work it's the radio. One of the students I supervise always wants to listen to Radio 4, which is usually fine by me, there's a lot of interesting documentaries on (most of the work we do is pretty monotonous). Unfortunately sometimes they get quite graphic. People describing in detail what things have been done to them. But I've admitted preferring Radio 4 over the usual student choice of poppy, commercial stuff so he might think there's something odd about me asking to change the channel. Not to mention this guy in particular is very forward about things and doesn't seem to mind too much about asking questions when it's clear I don't want to give an answer. For example I have to leave a little early for lunch one day a week so I can go to my therapy sessions. For a while he kept asking what my "meeting" was about. I started out with "it's a personal issue". Then I moved to "it's a medical appointment." Then "I have a chronic health condition". At the time it never occurred to me I could just say "none of your goddamned business". I often lose track of time mentally justifying myself to other people, so in real life it's practically automatic by this point for me to give in :bag:
I hadn't really considered before now that my paranoia about being "found out" is something interwoven with my condition. I guess because a lot of my psyche is built on showing no weaknesses no matter how terrified I am, it becomes this huge thing where people will see I'm vulnerable and use it. So I avoid speaking out when I feel upset or angry at something.
That's why I haven't yet been able to say outright what my issues are. I feel like if I shared any of it, I would end up telling people details whether I wanted to or not. I've not had enough practice at drawing clear boundaries to stop myself from just answering whatever is thrown at me. I can absolutely see how it would feel empowering, and I hope one day I can manage that myself.
