Death Death Anniversary

[Gadgie]

It's only been ten months since my wife passed away, and I miss her every day. I couldn't afford to buy a head stone for her, as her family took all our life savings, and everything else of value, a week before she passed away.

They came in, took over, and turned her against me, while she was vulnerable due to the side effects of her medication, and got her to give them everything?

I went to the grave with flowers last week, to find that they had eventually put up a head stone up for her, only thing was they put "Much Loved Mum and Gran" on it, no sign of the word wife on it?

I'm not normally a vindictive person, but my feelings for them are totally indescribable, they have always tried to split us up, even all through the twenty years of our happy marriage.

I don't think I will visit the grave again, as that just makes me angry, besides I don't have to go there to miss her, I can do that where ever I am, and that's mostly here at home, a place that used to be happy, well apart from the times when her family turned up, but thankfully that wasn't very often.

They left all the 24/7 caring work, during the seven years where she was bed bound, to me.

 

[eikram]

It's only been ten months since my wife passed away, and I miss her every day. I couldn't afford to buy a...

I am so sorry you have had to/are going through all of this. And for seven years while caring for her, I'm sure, too. I couldn't imagine. It really sounds like you put so much of your life and love into her. The only ways I can really relate are how my father's family turned him against my mother when I was a child. But when it comes to the specific death I even created this thread about in the first place, I feel I can relate in some sense, as well. My best friend was an addict. Right before she was around 60 days clean we had a very very good, long talk. It was much needed because due to her addiction our relationship had gone through a hard time. She knew how much I looked up to her and she made me promise my life to her basically to never even think about touching the kinds of drugs she was so heavily into, and the drug that ultimately took her life. I made that promise. In some ways, I feel like I was betrayed and turned against because while I was fulfilling that promise and duty to not only stay clean from drugs but also self harm, she ended up giving in and overdosing. I've almost wondered if I would have made her promise me the same thing that it would have made a difference, but I don't think so. Even though I have dealt with so much anger and guilt because of that anger and feeling like she left me and turned her back on me, in the back of my mind I feel like she couldn't help it. She was sick. And then even when she entered the hospital and then hospice I felt like I had no place seeing her or being with her because I didn't live around her so I didn't get to see her as often as all her other friends who just happen to show up out of no where just because something happened to her all of the sudden. They weren't to be found any other time. Even at the memorial service, I was so afraid to show any emotion until I couldn't help and just collapsed and cried so much. I felt awful for showing more emotion than the people that were there and lived around her and went to school with her and her real family. But the connection she and I have is unlike anything else. But anyway.. even though I often can't take this piece of advice, I do try to. I try to hold onto the parts of her before that time and before I felt that sense of betrayal almost. The REAL her that I know loved me more than anything and who I loved more than anything.

I know it's not the same. Again, I couldn't imagine experiencing what you have.
I can't help but keep thinking how lucky your wife was to have you, though.

 

[Gadgie]

Sorry to read about your friend, drugs can take hold of a person and turn them into the opposite to what they were before! I've seen that first hand and it's not a thing you can easily forget.

I think what shocked me the most, was the way they all turned on me, like a pack of hungry wolves, yet they put on a good show of pretending to like me and show concern for their mother, sister, yet it was all for show. Their only concern was, what they could get out of her?

I'm in the process of doing up the house just now, as part of my new start, I still can't sleep in the bedroom, even though that was the first room I did. Maybe one day the time will be right for me to move back in there again, but not yet.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Gadgie her family was a bunch of vultures and that is who they really are. I sure feel for you for this great betrayal of you and their greed.

Combine betrayal with the loss of your soulmate that you were caring for and I am so appalled that there was not one in your corner and I think that betrayal is one of the hardest issues to have to face and deal with.

I encourage you to keep on talking about how you feel about what happened and get the poision out of you. I totally understand why you are unable to sleep in your bedroom. Too many memories and please hang onto all of your good memories you have with your wife.

I still miss my husband quite a bit and wish he was still here with me, he was my soulmate and his dad was a bully and terrorized his family until I could not take it anymore and started confronting him and making boundries with him and he fought me tooth and nail but eventually developed a grudging respect for me and I got to know him as a better person and still miss him.

You will always have the bitterness of what her vulture family did to you. I am so glad that you no longer have any contact with any of them.

My heart goes out to you in such a huge way.

 

[Gadgie]

Thanks for the Gizmo, much appreciated. I think the best thing I did was to get back in touch with my sister, after a gap of some twenty odd years. We had a falling out about the divorce from my first wife, she just couldn't understand that I was not happy in that relationship, and that I just had to be with my now late wife.

It was like we were meant to be together, I've never been so close to anyone like that in my entire life, and I don't I suppose I ever will be again.

Yes, I have the happy times to remember, but somehow they got blurred along the way during that long time I spent caring for her, the last seven years were the worst, as she was bed bound from that point on.

Your right about my moving on, I have stored away every photograph of her family, and have put them out of my mind, and have just completed redecorating the spare room, where I am still sleeping.

Must admit I'm feeling better, just for being able to share my thoughts with people who understand, I could never do it face to face, if you know what I mean.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Gadgie I do understand. I also understand somewhat about how difficult it is to be a full time caregiver as my husband had both Parkinsons and Lewy Body Dementia and he was really hard to deal with because of his paranoia, hallucinations, delusions and false angry accusations. He was not the person I had adored but was this stranger who was very mean to me and I had to be so understanding of him and continue to take full time care of him. I only did this for three years but when he died I was a basket case and it took me a full year to recover from caregiver burnout. I had to watch him 24/7 and I was so burnt out.

I do not know where you are getting the energy to do all of the painting and fixing up that you are doing but I am so happy for you that you are keeping busy and doing the best you can in the aftermath of your losing your soulmate.

I really did all of the caregiving alone, his brother stayed away and rarely talked to him on the phone although he does live seventeen hours away. He also does not call me anymore at all so I feel kind of written off.

It does feel good to get it out of me. I found the fact that people after a months time were pushing me to start dating again. I never want to be married again. My husband is irreplaceable to me. He was my soulmate and I was his and we only had each other pretty much.

Keep on talking about it. I am so grateful this thread is here. I am going on three years in May. Our anniversary is next month and I try to find things to keep me busy.

I am doing so much better now finally but it is so hard at times.

 

[Gadgie]

1. Quote............. "I had to watch him 24/7 and I was so burnt out...................

I had that, when my wife passed I felt so tired, like I've never felt before, it s a different kind if tiredness. I once collapsed from total exhaustion from over working, and it was different than that.

I think I'm just pushing myself to change the house round, just to keep myself occupied, I can't do too much at one time, due to my back problem, so things takes me longer for me to do.

I will never marry again, or indeed get involved in a relationship, I lost my soul mate and there is no one who could ever replace her. I miss her company, her hugs and that smile, she had could light up a whole room with that smile.

It was love at first sight for both of us, and we both gave up a helluva lot just to be together, and now she is gone.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

When I was young (about 8) I lost a friend she was about the same age. I can't really say I ever got over it. It's so hard when they are so young a few years later my cousin died at 10years old. I've lost grandparents I've been close to, aunts, uncles but none hit me quite as bad.
Sometimes I'm just doing things going about my business and they pop into my head and it hits me like ton of bricks like I had forgotten they were gone, it still hurts I still cry.

I wonder what she would be like if she were alive or what he would look like now. I still speak to them sometimes although I'm not religious or anything. I wish I could hug them and talk to them. It still hurts. It's been 10years.

Grieving has no time limit take as long as you need. When you think of them try to remember the good times you had together, not the pain they left you with.

 

[eikram]

So something I've been thinking a lot about for well... about two years now is a fear/thought that is getting closer and closer to becoming a reality. Kind of.
So at the time of my best friends death I was 17 and she was 19. I'm 19 now and to be honest I was scared to turn 19 because 1) I was going to be the age she was and we were never supposed to be the same age 2) I would be the same age she was when she died and because our lives have been so similar and we have always been so similar how am I supposed to know I'm not going to die at 19 as well and 3) because I was getting further away from 17 and that was the age I was when we last talked or were together.
I'm turning 20 in February and I'm nervous for so many reasons. Most of these reasons go back to the three things I just listed.

I don't know I just wanted to see if maybe anyone else has experienced something similar.