My thoughts are with you....
I don't know where else to put this, but I need to put it out there because I'm feeling sooo alone right now.
My older, 17yo cat died Saturday night. I wanted to avoid having her put to sleep for complicated reasons I'm not going to go into right now, but she was just so sick all that week (worse from a long struggle with a probably sinus or brain mass) - she was eating very little, was very weak, esp. in her back legs, would lie and stare, almost in a daze.
Saturday night she jumped off the couch and nearly fell because she was so unsteady, peed on the floor, and then just plopped down like she was exhausted. This had happened several times that week and I think I just realized how bad she was. She'd been struggling for a couple of weeks, on meds and fluids, seeing the vet every week. My vet was closed Saturday, but the emergency vet was open (I take my other cat to an internist there for her chemo) and so I took her there.
They were really good with her and with me and it was a very peaceful passing. I held her before, during, and after. And I made arrangements for a local organization that makes final arrangements for pets to pick her up.
Her absence creates this immense emptiness in my heart and my home. My other cat is here and very engaged with me, but I just feel so sad and lost.
If you can avoid giving into the temptation of doing big outward stuff to heal the inner wounds, you might be a lot better off.