Relationship Delayed Onset Ptsd, Sufferer A Trigger?

[Shadowofdoubt]

I haven't posted anything in a while as things have been somewhat stable with myself and my suffering friend. We are friends online, I have known him now for a year. He has shut me out twice, the last one lasting for four months. This past time we reconnected he was clear with me that he does not want any mushy stuff from me, that he can't deal with it. We have spent time together daily since the beginning of August working on creating a Minecraft server he had started when his son came to visit him. I've even talked with his son and gotten to know him.

Things went well in the beginning when it was just him and I. I do have strong feelings for him but tried, and still try, to respect his boundaries. The problems started when an old friend joined back up with and the server became open to the public. As soon as it wasn't just him and I he seemed to act differently, and my insecurities skyrocketed. I struggled with what I was (am) going through emotionally and tried to explain this to him. A big fear of abandonment overtook me, as well as feelings of rejection as he was busy now and I wasn't getting his time or attention anymore. I felt like I, myself, got triggered and was reliving some raw emotion from my childhood and teenage years. I wanted some security back.

Well, of course this just stressed him out. He did talk to me and tell me he can not be what I need. He cherishes what we do have but he can not nor even wants to deal with lovey, mushy emotions. He has no desire for a relationship or sex, and he doesn't even feel lonely. He used to say "maybe someday" he'll get better. In his frustration with me he told me it's never going to happen.

My issue is with myself. I am feeling stronger today and recently started on an anti-anxiety medicine that I'm hoping is helping, but I am starting to believe that learning about PTSD and trying to care for him has somehow triggered me into symptoms of my own. I don't sleep well, I'm at a change in life with kids being older. I am not functioning well with my job, I''m depressed and I am avoiding life's responsibilities and isolating myself, not attending Christian meetings or hanging out with any friends. I have not been in a relationship for a long time. I've done counseling a number of times in the past due to depression and self-esteem issues as a result of childhood trauma...I am an adult child of an alcoholic, and if I had insurance I would be seeing a psychiatrist now.

I am curious about the delayed onset of PTSD, and if anyone else has had their own issues triggered from caring for someone who has PTSD. I am looking for support. Thankfully so far this time around my friend hasn't completely shut me out, though there is a definite emotional disconnect. I want to be a support for him but realize I can't do that if I am not secure in myself.

I also wonder if anti-anxiety meds have helped others in dealing with these fears of abandonment and self esteem issues. (I was prescribed Buspar, and also take Cymbalta). I just want to be well. It's a long post, thanks if you made it to the end. :).

 

[Em C.]

I don't know if I'd really consider it delayed onset but for me I was taking care of another student when my ex-boyfriend talked about wanting to boil me in acid and that combination triggered my ptsd. I have probably had it my entire life but the event brought it to the forefront.

Is there any free counselling in your area that you could be a member of?

I take cipralex and I've been better able to deal with my fears and self esteem although it could also be a life change that helped too :P

Hugs!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am really confused...you said you are friends online. How often do you met in real life?

What makes you think you have PTSD?

 

[Justmehere]

Someone can develop compassion fatigue. It is also possible to develop vicarious or secondary traumatization from being a supporter. It's a big thing that trauma therapists and others in helping professions have to deal with. You can develop mental health symptoms from being a supporter - just like from dealing with any other stressful event.

It's also possible that this situation has brought to the surface or to your self awareness your own mental health symptoms or old wounds that were there all along. I think that this is very likely in this situation.

More often than not, when someone seeks after a relationship that is long distance, where it is impossible to be as intimate as in-person relationships, there is already symptoms or attachment issues or unresolved pain/wounds already there. It may just be that this relationship has now opened them up for you, rather than caused new symptoms.

If you have been through abandonment in the past, it makes sense that this relationship could have brought up symptoms about those now as you face abandonment now. If there was the criterion A trauma in the past, yes, you could have PTSD now.

All PTSD is "delayed" onset. After trauma, all humans go through an acute stress phase that is normal. It is really common for people to feel ok for awhile, and then a new life event stirs up the old stuff and PTSD symptoms can develop.

No one can diagnose online, and self diagnosis is dangerous. I would highly suggest talking to a good therapist or doctor about what you are experiencing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that you may be jumping to conclusions if you haven't been diagnosed yet. Childhood trauma + depression + anxiety does not equate with PTSD. Also, I don't think that drugs specifically help with abandonment issues or with self esteem issues. At least that's not my experience with them. The medication helps lift some of the symptoms so that you can work on these issues in therapy. These are more along the lines of issues that could be helped with therapy rather than with medication.

justmehere is incorrect in that all PTSD is delayed onset ptsd, at least in the technical sense. There is a specific subtype that indicates delayed onset, so of course, there must be non-delayed onset PTSD.

 

[Justmehere]

Let me clarify that I mean to say that there is no such thing as immediate onset PTSD - immediate onset of symptoms after trauma is acute stress disorder, which can then develop over time to become PTSD.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

Thanks for your replies. I have never personally met my friend, Ayesha, everything is online and through voice chat. I really don't know what is going on with me, that is why I made the post. I also am not tring to self diagnose, just attempting to understand and curious of what other people may have gone through. The anxiety is somewhat of a new symptom for me, and I know that abandonment and esteem issues have been exacerbated by my friends inability to really feel for me. I knew little to nothing about PTSD until I met this man and came to this forum. I have no doubt this is what my mother suffered (suffers) with. Yeah, I agree I need counseling. What I am able to do now, though, is try to get some understanding and support here, and stay connected with my doctor in managing symptoms. Thanks again to you all.

 

[Justmehere]

My therapist says that having a mother, a primary caregiver with PTSD, that this "alone" can lead to secondary traumatization and symptoms. I'm not sure what the general school of thought is on that... It has taken me a long time to see that my family history affected me, and the trauma affected me, and so did having a mother with PTSD. Glad you are talking to your doc and reaching out for support here too. :hug:

 

[KwanYingirl]

I suggest you explore being the adult child of an alcoholic. If you live in a populated area there are probably open groups for ACOA people. My father was a brutal alcoholic and his favourite activity when drunk was to terrorize his children. Mysoginist, pathetic, abusive. All of his children became alcoholics. Nature or nurture?? All but one of us is in recovery. We cannot function as a family and each member still to this day has their role to play. I am the lost child.

I am the only child with PTSD. That is because I was the only one sexually abused for years. Threatened with death if I dare speak of it. Brought to near death many times from being strangled or smothered. If you did not expect that death was imminent then it is unlikely that you have PTSD.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

I was extremely fearful that my parents would either kill each other, or that my mom would lose it and injure or kill one of us kids. She would be full of rage sometimes. She also drove drunk more than once with us kids in the car, which was extremely scary. She broke all the windows in the home before, sliced the walls with a knife, threatened to use a gun and caused injuries to my dad, but he also was at times abusive towards her, oh my there is just so many awful memories. I did partake in ACOA at a younger age. I consider myself the lost, or invisible, child. I felt I was the only one who seemed to be affected as to what was going on, my dad and brothers would laugh at and make fun of my mother when she would throw all the thanksgiving food and pies, or when she would stomp on my dad's glasses. I feel so bad now for my mom, but I blamed her back then. It was a horribly sick, dysfunctional home, intertwined with some incest.

As a teenager I thought love was the answer, if I had a guy than I would love him with all I had and things would be perfect. Haha. Anyway..fast forward to today. I guess dealing with my past and my messed up state of mind is going to be a continual struggle. Wasn't expecting to write all this but it is good to talk. Thanks for all the support!

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: shadowofadoubt - that's awful what you had to go through! It makes sense you are having symptoms. They can and likely will get a lot better as you keep working on it. Glad you are sharing.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Shadowofdoubt you certainly have had a ton of trauma. I'm sorry you had to grow up in that environment. At this point with all your symptoms I think a trauma specialist is in order. You can heal. It takes time and sometimes things feeling even worse as they work their way out of you. It's so worth it though. Hang in there!