M
Megit
I was doing so well.., stuffing the terror I felt when I was completely rejected, kicked out of where I was living and lost my job, all while on vacation. I was numb, going through the motions, even being helpful to the ones who mortally wounded me. I was dumbstruck.
I worked for a hospitality firm that houses workers along with guests, some long term. I was there as a general manager and had 2 years under my belt and looked forward to many more. The owners seemed happy with my work and even moved forward with some of my ideas. There were chatterers that did not like my work but their complaints were surrounding the "extras" of the previous manager that I was explicitly told not to repeat. So I didn't. I am faithful, a man of integrity... I was bludgeoned by the owners.
I did my work, reported the progress and made money for the company. Those chatterers made a group and their complaints were outright lies, old issues long resolved and sheer brute, bullying force. They threatened the owners until the wife of the one of the owners threatened divorce unless I was removed. So, he had no choice but to comply, it was his third marriage and he was tired. I get it.
They planned to meet when I was off the property. One of the things the owner prides himself on is his unbiased and professional demeanor, but this time, much different than previously, he met in private, his wife holding him on a leash to make sure the will of the minority was accomplished.. They met, I was not told of the event and moreso was not invited. I was not able to face the accusers nor have my side told, nor was I given justice. Far from it, it was a drumhead trial, and I was sacrificed.
Ok, so I found out. I tried to speak with the owners and found them decidedly in favor of the shrieking cries of the minority. So I graciously put my head in the chopping block and cut the rope myself. I got my stuff out and left them alone. I was friendly to the 5 or 6 people who were the ringleaders, smiled and said good bye. I instructed the next sucke.. I mean manager, of the job duties and I left.
I kept going, moving into other fields, interests and hobbies. Then I felt this creeping anxiety, this fear that was coming up, but not overwhelming. I took another vacation and felt like I could not breathe. The fear overwhelmed me. I had surgery and I simply could not recover. I could not sleep, I binged and hid away from the world. I setup an appointment with a therapist and began EMDR.
Today... today it came to me, or overcame me. Finally, the words.., those wonderful, healing words.., came out. I was so afraid, so terrified of the rejection and loss, so angry at the lies and betrayal, so.., so.., abused. I cried, I sobbed, I buried my face in my hands and wept, shaking, trembling. I put on Evanescence, "My Immortal" and I screamed the words at the top of my lungs, enraged.., until finally.., finally.., sweet numbness overcame me.
I know that those chatterers, slanderers and bullies have acted that way their entire lives to get what they want, and it is effective. The election process in the states should be living proof that lies, scandal and mud slinging will get a nomination over positive platforms. Silly people. Sick people. Terrifying. I know it was not personal, they just weren't getting their way and throwing a temper tantrum has never failed them in the past. It still has not.
Today
Today I feel much better. I have found the words. These words, muddled and soft, are the beginning of hope, light piercing through the stale, dank darkness of deceit, of a search for the good and pleasant without the chains of oppression(no, not a beginning of a search, rather, a holding on of the good instead of letting it go from the abuse, steady, grounded). Today, I am alive again, resurrected from the guillotine, out from "under the bus", unencumbered. I will have to have many more sessions with the good, dismissing the bad as their deviant behavior. I have stopped falling. Today, I will hold on.
Today is a good day.
I worked for a hospitality firm that houses workers along with guests, some long term. I was there as a general manager and had 2 years under my belt and looked forward to many more. The owners seemed happy with my work and even moved forward with some of my ideas. There were chatterers that did not like my work but their complaints were surrounding the "extras" of the previous manager that I was explicitly told not to repeat. So I didn't. I am faithful, a man of integrity... I was bludgeoned by the owners.
I did my work, reported the progress and made money for the company. Those chatterers made a group and their complaints were outright lies, old issues long resolved and sheer brute, bullying force. They threatened the owners until the wife of the one of the owners threatened divorce unless I was removed. So, he had no choice but to comply, it was his third marriage and he was tired. I get it.
They planned to meet when I was off the property. One of the things the owner prides himself on is his unbiased and professional demeanor, but this time, much different than previously, he met in private, his wife holding him on a leash to make sure the will of the minority was accomplished.. They met, I was not told of the event and moreso was not invited. I was not able to face the accusers nor have my side told, nor was I given justice. Far from it, it was a drumhead trial, and I was sacrificed.
Ok, so I found out. I tried to speak with the owners and found them decidedly in favor of the shrieking cries of the minority. So I graciously put my head in the chopping block and cut the rope myself. I got my stuff out and left them alone. I was friendly to the 5 or 6 people who were the ringleaders, smiled and said good bye. I instructed the next sucke.. I mean manager, of the job duties and I left.
I kept going, moving into other fields, interests and hobbies. Then I felt this creeping anxiety, this fear that was coming up, but not overwhelming. I took another vacation and felt like I could not breathe. The fear overwhelmed me. I had surgery and I simply could not recover. I could not sleep, I binged and hid away from the world. I setup an appointment with a therapist and began EMDR.
Today... today it came to me, or overcame me. Finally, the words.., those wonderful, healing words.., came out. I was so afraid, so terrified of the rejection and loss, so angry at the lies and betrayal, so.., so.., abused. I cried, I sobbed, I buried my face in my hands and wept, shaking, trembling. I put on Evanescence, "My Immortal" and I screamed the words at the top of my lungs, enraged.., until finally.., finally.., sweet numbness overcame me.
I know that those chatterers, slanderers and bullies have acted that way their entire lives to get what they want, and it is effective. The election process in the states should be living proof that lies, scandal and mud slinging will get a nomination over positive platforms. Silly people. Sick people. Terrifying. I know it was not personal, they just weren't getting their way and throwing a temper tantrum has never failed them in the past. It still has not.
Today
Today I feel much better. I have found the words. These words, muddled and soft, are the beginning of hope, light piercing through the stale, dank darkness of deceit, of a search for the good and pleasant without the chains of oppression(no, not a beginning of a search, rather, a holding on of the good instead of letting it go from the abuse, steady, grounded). Today, I am alive again, resurrected from the guillotine, out from "under the bus", unencumbered. I will have to have many more sessions with the good, dismissing the bad as their deviant behavior. I have stopped falling. Today, I will hold on.
Today is a good day.
