Burnt-toast
New Here
Hey there,
Introduction time! I'm a 25yo female and I have been battling with PTSD for 10 years now (oh man!).
I have been in therapy on and off over that 10-year period, and thought that I was "dealing" with my trauma (real surface level stuff- I was lying to everyone including myself about just how bad it really was), however it has only been since working with a new psychologist over the last year and a half that I have realised the full extent of it all, and just how much I downplayed, pushed it under the rug, and then repressed memories as a means of coping and surviving. My brilliant therapist knocked the socks off me a couple of weeks ago when she described what happened to me using the key words "kidnapped, drugged, raped and tortured"... it hit me like a brick to the face and sent me into full blown flashback and dissociation instantly.
I personally struggle with those terms, because I don't feel like what happened to me fits into the typical mould of what I picture those things to mean- particularly the "kidnapping"- Yes it was against my will, and no I couldn't escape, but it was only 12 hours- and I was 15 and kind of knew the guy; and the "torture"... he was intent on inflicting excruciating pain, and it felt beyond soul destroying and degrading and humiliating (I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't leaving that room alive), but the word just gets me... perhaps because I know that so many others have been through so much worse, or because I tend to associate it with military torture or next level sadism (as opposed to just general sadism which I experienced?!). I know I've likely moved the bar out of some form of denial...on one hand I feel like I can't cope with what he did to me... what he did to the body that I still occupy! But at the same time, I'm stuck in that old "it wasn't that bad" mindset, which is exactly what has found me at this point-- 10 years down the track, and not even scratching the surface of it all!
I guess I'm here for a number of reasons... Mostly because I don't feel that I'm coping too well in myself at the moment, but also to hopefully feel a little less alone with all of this, and gain a little advice and support from a community who "gets it".
Thanks for having me here!
BT x
Introduction time! I'm a 25yo female and I have been battling with PTSD for 10 years now (oh man!).
I have been in therapy on and off over that 10-year period, and thought that I was "dealing" with my trauma (real surface level stuff- I was lying to everyone including myself about just how bad it really was), however it has only been since working with a new psychologist over the last year and a half that I have realised the full extent of it all, and just how much I downplayed, pushed it under the rug, and then repressed memories as a means of coping and surviving. My brilliant therapist knocked the socks off me a couple of weeks ago when she described what happened to me using the key words "kidnapped, drugged, raped and tortured"... it hit me like a brick to the face and sent me into full blown flashback and dissociation instantly.
I personally struggle with those terms, because I don't feel like what happened to me fits into the typical mould of what I picture those things to mean- particularly the "kidnapping"- Yes it was against my will, and no I couldn't escape, but it was only 12 hours- and I was 15 and kind of knew the guy; and the "torture"... he was intent on inflicting excruciating pain, and it felt beyond soul destroying and degrading and humiliating (I came to terms with the fact that I wasn't leaving that room alive), but the word just gets me... perhaps because I know that so many others have been through so much worse, or because I tend to associate it with military torture or next level sadism (as opposed to just general sadism which I experienced?!). I know I've likely moved the bar out of some form of denial...on one hand I feel like I can't cope with what he did to me... what he did to the body that I still occupy! But at the same time, I'm stuck in that old "it wasn't that bad" mindset, which is exactly what has found me at this point-- 10 years down the track, and not even scratching the surface of it all!
I guess I'm here for a number of reasons... Mostly because I don't feel that I'm coping too well in myself at the moment, but also to hopefully feel a little less alone with all of this, and gain a little advice and support from a community who "gets it".
Thanks for having me here!
BT x
