Depressed and suicidal

[Fayne Jane]

I have been i EMDR for a couple of months and although it has been hard, I have gotten control of my anger and outburst. At points I felt so good, lighter, freer and now that I am at the point of re-experiencing the rape I am sliding into depression. I have been on anti depressants for ever for my depression and have Clonazapan for my anxiety. But the last couple of days I have become so depressed, suicidal. I thought I was almost through the EMDR and now I feel like I am crashing into depression, sad, crying all day. My sleep is filled with nightmares of being repeatedly raped. I work 6 days a week in a healthcare job that is demanding and I feel so worn out and defeated. My therapy now feels like one long nightmare I don't understand where this is coming from when I was doing so well. Have any of you experienced this?

 

[ladee]

I haven't experienced it with EMDR, but with the healing its self as memories of later years surfaced... I know for me, in hindsight, it was deep grief... grief that my life had been altered to the point I was having to relive it to heal it.... I had to keep reminding myself it was all over.... and that I was going to be free .... I just had to persevere thru the feelings.... it's ok to cry... for all the times we should have and couldn't....or didn't... none of it is worth dieing over.... none of it... the whole purpose of all this is so that we can live.... this is only temporary... and it's overwhelming.... but you can and will get thru this... as many many of us have....
I appreciate that you shared what is going on,,, sharing your pain so others can support you and carry some of the pain with you because we have been there and understand...We have to make a strong choice.... that the abusers do NOT get to win... we do... sending genltle hugs for what you are enduring... you will make it to the other side..... you will.

 

[anthony]

All perfectly normal. Initial therapy tends to fool people into thinking everything will be happy and merry, but the fact that you're now suffering and enduring suicidal thoughts, tends to lead me toward thinking that therapy is working correctly now you're into the trauma aspects.

People feel ok at therapy, then its after and between sessions that the real work begins. You have to start really putting into action all the skills you learnt in earlier sessions, the lovely, happy feeling sessions, where you went through stabilising techniques, relaxation, breathing and such. You learnt all these things before touching your trauma -- now payment is due.

You have to put these things into action to balance yourself between sessions. Whatever you do, do not quit therapy now. The flood gates are open, so work through it as fast as you can and you will come out the other side.

 

[sonicwhite]

I'm so sorry. Ya I have constant dreams of God's judgment. I'm also cold turkey klonopin which is a good thing. I hope you can find peace. May the Lord rest upon you in Christ name amen and amen.

 

[Fayne Jane]

I am close to the end of EMDR and the trauma I experienced. It is the hardest thing I have ever done but worth it as I am desensitized to much not all of what happened to me. I appreciate this site for its support of me and helping me learn from others as well as the articles. I am not in recovery yet but headed in that direction. For anyone one that wants to try EMDR it works if you have the right therapist. It isn't easy, I have been through 3 months of hell but slowly coming full circle and have my anger and outbursts fairly under control. It has been worth it for me after 13 years of denial of my PTSD and acting like a wing nut for years, pushing others away, messing up jobs...having very few real friends. If I can help anyone let me know.

 

[Muted]

Have any of you experienced this?

It's exhausting to work on past trauma and work a demanding job at the same time. Almost a year in, I reached a true place of contentment with my life. Then, work started triggering past unresolved trauma and it went downhill from there. I was forced to make a decision between my job and my health and family. It took me some time, but I chose my health and my family and I don't regret it a bit.

My only advice is, before you go deeper, make sure you know your priorities. Then you will be at peace regardless.

 

[anthony]

It isn't easy, I have been through 3 months of hell but slowly coming full circle

Well done. Yep, most people only think about therapy as a positive, they don't understand the negative repercussions that are part and parcel of helping yourself. You're fighting, seek therapy, then find yourself fighting more for a short-term due to the increase in symptoms. But all part of the process... and it gets significantly better once through the hard stuff, combined with some time and practice at using learnt skills to continue to master yourself, your reactions and interpretations of your surroundings.

Really well done on helping yourself and fighting through the negatives to see that the positives of therapy surpass the pain felt during the process, there is better life for you to be lived.