Depressed and suicidal...

[hermione]

I almost want to be hospitalized even if it is a psych ward which are miserable i am just depressed and feel there is no way out...i should just tell my therapist i am suicidal and she will probably hosptialize me i have like 2 weeks worth of sick time so I could take the time off and get paid if it is just like a week or 2 but i have been suicidal and am scared almost that i will act on it i had a dream that i did I didn't die in the dream but i did it how i would plan to do it...idk would i do it I can't answer that.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

This sounds to me like it's exactly the sort of thing hospitals are there for. Being suicidal with a plan and thinking you may very well carry out that plan is very dangerous. Please do tell your T.

 

[Joan]

I think your even posing the question here gives you the answer. If you are scared that you will take action, go to the hospital, tell your T.

 

[hermione]

Thank you I will talk to my therapist I am scared to tell her but know I have to i do see her Wednesday I don't know if I should tell her sooner to be safer

 

[ladee]

If you would feel safer by telling her before you see her, then do it... the whole point is keeping you safe.... you sound like you are willing to take the chance on being hospitalized so you know how close you are... we just want you to be safe.... tell your T sooner if you feel it will help... and try not to be afraid.... it doesn't mean you are crazy, it means you are smart enough to know when you need extra help... we do understand!!!
Let us know how you are.....

 

[hermione]

Thank you I haven't told my therapist yet part of me is afraid morebif the stigma and judgement of others because I seem fine and by others I mean mostly my parents they never understand when I get like this and have to go in the hospital and I feel guilty for being a failure I know if I acted on it then it would be worse for everyone but I am just scared I will talk to my therapist about the thoughts and dream and fears of actually acting and see what she says...

 

[user44376]

I don't know if this helps but I focus on something that's not done yet. Last year I was low. Total blackness. But i realized I was reading a great book and no f*cking way I was not going to complete it. This summer it was waiting for the new Arcade Fire album.

It helps.

 

[hermione]

Thanks I am trying to just get through the day before seeing my therapist but scared to be completely honest. I left a cryptic text last night but I am not sure she will be concerned by it or not she may be she may think I am being dramatic I mean I doubt that but I don't know anymore I said it's just overwhelming painful and it's eating me up and I just can't I don't know she didn't respond last night so obviously not that concerned...but I have left texts like that before and the storm passses and I am fine but I am hurting right now...

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. Breathing techniques (deep diaphragmatic, alternate nostril, rhythmic, counted breaths, etc.), nature in all of its forms, primal screaming into my pillow - in the forest - or while driving in my car, dancing like a fool to some favorite music, and/or soaking in a hot epsom salt bath can often ground/center me then lift me when I feel my worst. I truly hope you can find a helpful healing groove that jives with you.

I know when I try to hold things in and not openly share them with the folks who can help me the most, it ends up being and feeling like a snowball rolling downhill that keeps getting bigger and bigger and eventually causes an avalanche of all I've already worked hard to do, and creates even more chaos/symptoms within.

Giving myself permission to put it out there so it can be recognized,nurtured, and processed with helpful trained assistance has proven to be more beneficial than not, if for nothing else, to free up some mind space to break the cycle of thoughts. Especially when I knew I was in the presence of a truly caring and competent care provider.

However, I don't find it easy to sit and talk about many things verbally, though, no matter how comfortable I am with someone, as I tend to often trip over my thoughts and words. The more critical it is, the more difficult it is to talk about. I have to write things down ahead of time and take a copy for me and the therapist, and take notes while we discuss, or else I end up wasting my time and hers by trying to recall all the important stuff while steadily getting distracted by the emotions each thought brings with it, or the countless other distractions that surround.

Thoughts of some substantial relief and lots of nurturing self-care vibes heading your way. Wishing you wellness and a whole lot of peace of mind..

 

[hermione]

Thanks for the support I have been feeling suicidal and scared to tell my therapist but feel I sort of have to but I don't want to fully I don't know if I wiuld ever act I have been here before my therapist doesn't jump on hospitalization