Depressed How To Let Go Of The Past?

[LostOne1985]

How to let go of the past?

Okay how do I let go of everyone that I felt has crossed me and did me wrong? The people that told me, I have your back and when in reality they did not. How do I let go of my mother not being a parent and not guarding me from a world that is so effing messed up? How can I let go of my father not teaching me how to be a man? How can I let go of how I use to help my sister when she had kids and when I had mine she could not be there? How can I let go of everyone that I felt has disrespected me on every level?

See with my mother and I’ll start there because every relationship you will ever have is stemmed from the relationship you have with your mother. My mother would rather of got high and leave me with my grandparents where I would be physically abused by my uncle for the frustration he had with his sister (my mother.) On top of the fact he was pissed off because his wife left him with two kids for him to raise on his own. It’s not like it was my fault or my sister’s fault that we did not have parents. Why could my mom’s love for her children not be strong enough to where she wanted to change as I did when I had kids? Now she is passed on and I am an adult to have an adult conversation with her but still have no answers.

I just do not get it why was my father absent and I was left for the streets to raise me. I always felt I was damned from the womb. Why was it the fact I had to be the man and find my father but he could not find me? Just the things you learn to be a man from your father. Learning how to defend yourself, crafts and building stuff, helping me with my homework. I just felt lost and still do. I guess I just do not understand my purpose in life. So many people have died and why I am I still here. Now that my father is dead I also have no answers from him.

Now with my sister, we were always close growing up but when I wanted to go out and have my family she could not support that. I was always there to help her raise her kids but she would rather surround herself with her friends then try to have a relationship with my kids as I did with hers. I just feel that she is selfish and I feel so disrespected by her on so many levels.

Now on to my friendships, I guess I wish I would have seen it coming but I didn’t. See I had a falling out with my friend because of his big loud mouth brother. The fact is he is sheltered because he has two brothers that will protect him whenever he is in harm’s way but most of the drama he causes is because he runs his mouth then runs to his brothers like a coward. Now my friend, his brother, and I went out one night his brother and I got into an argument that was escalading into a fight. The thing is I feel so disrespected on so many levels. The reason is that I felt my friend was the person that could tell his brother shut and you shut up. The thing I am a good friend so I would just let shit ride but he did not. I understand his brother is his brother. The thing is I knew this guy for like 10+ years and we went through so many good times and I had his back that night and it forever change how I felt about him. He did not have mine and left me high and dry. Now my paranoia comes from me talking about his to mutual acquaintances that some day when I see these individuals they will try and retaliate on me physically.



I guess my question is how can I let go of all this? Should I just move out of state so I will never run into these individuals and I can live my life in peace? I just do not know what to do.



Sorry about all the typos and this was a free write to get things off my chest but to get feedback how do I let go.

 

[Friday]

How do you let go? Carefully.

____________

While you're facing a lot of different relationship issues... The Sister one I can share my own experiences with:

When I was young/single/childless... I got to devote a lot of time to my neice/ nephew/ goddaughter/ etc ... Because I was young and single. After becoming a parent? No way on earth did I have that kind of time. So my friends & family who had kids before I got busier than a 1 legged man in an ass kicking contest? Got a whole lot more of my attention. It's not because I love them any more than those who had kids after mine. Same token, how much "time" I have has always depended on what stage my kids were going through. Some stages, it didn't really matter. They were portable (babies & young toddlers are so much easier on the social life! Everywhere is the same to them!), or self sufficient (huzzah teen years!), so I had a lot more time to devote to outside endeavors. Other stages? Pretty much the only people I saw regularly were people with kids the same age as mine, that also got on well with mine (dwindling, dwindling social pool!). When the age gap was too much of a hurdle, or the kids didn't get on? Just stress & misery on all sides. The only time I could see my cousin, friend, etc. would be if one of us got a babysitter! Or after bedtime.

There were outside factors, as well. Work schedules, activity schedules, health issues, oh my. It can be difficult to manage one's own family schedule... Much less try and make it "work" with another family's! Priority tree... My own family would always come first. As do most people's. After that it was very much a crap shoot on "who" within our circle (my family of origin, his family of origin, his friends, my friends, our friends, parents of our kids friends, colleagues) had a schedule that happened to line up enough with ours that timeouts even be possible to see them often. Much less regularly!

That's just normal life. The day to day challenges of raising a family whilst retaining contact with the outside world.

It doesn't say anything about me that my friends & family with kids have the same struggles and challenges that I do. Nor that they make the same decisions. It's not disrespecting me for them to prioritize their own family ahead of mine, the same way it's not me disrespecting them to prioritize my kids & my family ahead of theirs.

It usually takes single/childless people a little while to get the whole "it's not personal" thing. Usually they have to have kids themselves before the sheer weight of that responsibility of other lives depending on you 24/7, the moving targets, the constantly changing series of needs (mastering one phase or change, just in time for it to end and a new one to start!), and how durn complicated everything gets with kids.

I'll bet you do this pretty naturally with your other parent friends.

But it seems like that level peer to peer understanding is missing from your relationship with your sister. Instead of judging her as a peer / another busy parent with balls up in the air at all times? You're judging her against your single/childless self. Which, of course, is going to be lacking! As she's not single/childless. Until her children are grown and moved out, she's simply not going to have the kind of time to devote to anyone else's kids the way you had time back when you were single/childless.

 

[Biz]

I've started taking Buddhism classes. In one lecture, the teacher explained that letting go or truly forgiving is a Buddha like skill. That's high level. But she said you don't have to be able to do that (which I'm glad for because in many situations there's just no way). To find more peace, you just have to accept that whatever is your struggle is the case.

 

[scout86]

Okay how do I let go of everyone that I felt has crossed me and did me wrong?

Can you offer any practical purpose to NOT let go? Who, exactly gets hurt by you dwelling on this stuff? A good friend once told me that I had a choice. I could let the past screw up the rest of my life, or not. He preferred not. He said other people had already taken plenty from my, there was no reason to let them keep doing it. Good point.

I guess my question is how can I let go of all this? Should I just move out of state so I will never run into these individuals and I can live my life in peace? I just do not know what to do.

So, do you have some particular reason for thinking the people you've met so far are the only ones capable of disappointing you? Because if they ARE the only ones who can, heck yeah I'd move. But, in my experience, people are people and ALL of us have the potential to disappoint, even when we intend better.

I couldn't help but notice that you asked "Why?" a lot. My T has told me (Repeatedly!) that he'd prefer that I not ask that question. Wanting information is fine, but he suggests framing the question differently. "Why?" all but itself, is often unknowable. It also tends to come off as an accusation rather than an inquiry. (Think "Why did you do that?!)

More than likely your parents were crappy parents because they weren't equipped to be good parents. For reasons of their own that had nothing to do with you. More than likely, you already know what those reasons were, at least some of them. (If you don't, and you want to, and your parents are still alive, you could always ask.) Was any of that "right"? Of course not! Was it fair? Nope, not hardly. Was it part of some grand master plan to make you suffer from the word "go"? Actually not very likely. (Most of us aren't important enough in the grand scheme of things to warrant a grand master plan for our destruction.) Just the luck of the draw. On the other hand, you have the whole rest of your life ahead of you to do with what you will. You don't HAVE to let the circumstances of your birth dictate who you are NOW and going forward.

 

[LostOne1985]

I agree the only person that is hurting is me but i guess what i am holding on to is the betrayal of the fact your word is the only thing that proves your integrity so when someone is like "i have love for you or i care about you" and they do not follow through on their word that is when i feel betrayed.

I understand that through life we will have relationships with people and you will go through them and out of them. I just wish i would have had someone to set the expectation since day one and told me this is the way life is.

I guess loyalty and integrity mean the most to me and people violate that when they lie and dont speak their real mind. I understand people will be people. I have met some individuals that have not disappointed me and have really stayed true to their word. It is just holding on to those that say that they are going to do something or feel a certain way when in reality they do not. Especially the ones i had been around most of my life and in trusted with my life.

I guess i wanna know why so much because my mother and father did not fill in those lines for me when i was a child, like why they did not work out, why my last name was different than the one i had(which was my fathers but then changed to my mothers), why did they abondon me, why does my sister not want to be close to my kids as i was with hers, why did my friend that i cared for very much did not stick his neck out for me to deescalate the situation between his brother and I. I just want answers and i feel these people need to address the issues. Even though some have past but some are here.

I agree that i have my whole life ahead of me and i want to live my life without even thinking of these individuals. I guess maybe because i am a stay at home father, i go to school with a lot of stress, home stress, life stress, that i have too much time to think about this crap. I guess maybe when i graduate with my bachelors in August and get a job when i relocate that i will be so busy to not even think or acknowledge these people.

 

[MCT91]

Hmm. Well, from experience, holding on to these things breeds anger and hate. Certainly knowing why does help because then we at least know the reason. Now, the key is forgiving but we need not forget. Whether you believe in God or another being, the pain inside is terrible we never want it, and when we decide it's hurt us enough we call out and forgive the ones who trespass against us, harm us, let us down. Whether we know the reason or not it's important that in our heart we let go of the pain. You can still seek your answers and I pray you find them, just don't continue holding it against them. You have kids now, you're trying to get your life together. They betrayed you and some things we just won't understand and we have to accept that. There are evil people and good people with bad habits and misguidings. It's really a lot that you have to decide yourself to do. Undoubtedly these said ppl had no intentions on affecting your life the way they did, they were just doing what they knew, making decisions that may have been poor but were made. There may be no definite answers, some things we have to accept as they were. The past is done, we can use it as a learning base or let it hurt us

Sorry if anything is a little straying from the point, sometimes I have a lot flowing through my mind and at times things not pertinent to the issue are put in

 

[LostOne1985]

I want to forgive but i do not know how to forgive. I also want to forget because i want to live my life with peace. I do not want this to overweight good in my life. I know that the past is the past and i want to keep it there. I just do not know how to do it. I guess leaving the state and working consistently will be able to occupy my time so i do not think of these individuals or what they have done to me or what they haven't done for me.

 

[The Albatross]

How to let go? For me it was: Making a decision. Then endeavoring to continue to make and affirm the same decision until it normalized and became a habit, eventually a new behavior. It took sustained time, effort, patience practice and perseverance. It's worth it.

 

[LostOne1985]

@The Albatross what do you mean? Can you elaborate? I get my anxiety and ptsd just make me constantly think about all the negatives and paranoid that those individuals from past (previous friends) would try and hurt me.

 

[LostOne1985]

I just want to let go but don't know how. I want these people that are no longer important to get out of my head.

 

[The Albatross]

Short on time but will come back. First I made a decision. I kept making that decision at first multiple times a day, then daily as it popped like "whack a mole". I'll come back this evening and see if I can do better than that if need be.

If you want to let go. Make a decision and keep making it.

 

[The Albatross]

Beyond what I offer, what do you specifically want to know?