Depression coming back

[Strangelongtrip]

I’ve been avoiding telling anyone, because I’ve been doing so well and don’t want to spoil anyone’s day I guess, but my depression symptoms are coming back. I got maybe two months free of them though so I’m grateful for that. I’m angry so much of the time, and I’ve already lashed out at my therapist and my friend. I think bad thoughts about myself and they’re getting more frequent. Or bad things about people who look like me or who have been through what I’ve been through as an aside to hurt myself. Like, no one wants a fat person, if you gain weight in a relationship they get closer to dumping you, good thing I’m not with anyone or I’d be dumped because I’m disgusting. Or I’m so ugly, I shouldn’t even show my face here because I’ll make everyone look worse. I don’t deserve love because I’m unattractive. Things I wouldn’t think about other people but about myself. I can look at a cute picture of myself and I feel nothing but I think ugh, I’m so gross looking. Most of my negative thoughts have to do with my weight and hair. Then it’s the I’m a bad person over and over again.

I also found out a test result I posted about that was 10x what it should be and indicated I may have something called MCAS. Except my allergist didn’t know what to do for me, probably didn’t believe me, was wildly uneducated, and told me to bring my parents and my dad told me it’s probably just your anxiety just leave it alone. I feel so alone in fighting to get answers. My friends support me but no one in my family really helps. They have their own problems going on but I just feel really alone and that they all think I’m crazy. I have to get in with a doctor that only sees patients once a week and I have no idea how to do it and I feel like I can’t ask anyone for help. I also may have to get surgery on my hip and I feel like I need to change jobs because I can’t handle the physical requirements of pet sitting.

 

[Abstract]

I am sorry. Maybe start with one thing for now. What about getting help for this. WHat about telling your t.

Can you start on the self talk? What about some affirmations? That don't have to be super positive. When I am bad I can't stomach that. One of mine is I am human and that is OK.

 

[Tinyflame]

This is probably not helpful @Strangelongtrip , and doesn't address depression proper, or exhaustion, but I will say it anyway (and I am thin according to others, and am called cute- have no idea why- or attractive, or good-looking, or pretty, or beautiful- though I have multiple reasons I'm not; ugh- I just don't 'get it', tbh, and I never will, and I accept that. Especially since I was often asked out by incredibly good looking men, men other women asked me 'how' I got them to ask me out, because they had had no luck with it-??. And I wasn't 'trying to' . :confused: ).

This is what I think when I see someone 'fat' (your words): - nothing. Nothing different than thin or 'buff', since attractaction (for me) is far more complex and relates more to a combination of both chemistry, intellect, heart, behaviour, manners, humour, honesty, and interaction. Trust and substance.

Twenty years ago at work (and I was more attractive myself then-lol), a guy and his friend were waiting for me to get to them, and one guy said, "all she is thinking about is my balding head, and how horrible it is and what a turn off". When I got to him, out slipped, "Btw, the last thing I'm thinking about or noticing is your lack of hair; give me credit for more substance than that, I am far more concerned about the substance of a person, what is in their heart, mind and soul", because I was angry and feeling, wow, do you think I have so little substance myself? And I thought, OMG, I am going to be fired, because it had slipped, and quite angrily at that. And- OMG- he was just beaming (thank God, because I needed the income. Though I was being honest). And some people, too, suit less hair, even.

Similarly, a guy who asked me out, soon as I graduated, who was a teacher soon cut his hair to meet my mom. She said to me, 'he suited long hair better'(!), meeting him prior.

If anything, the only thing that I notice (in a bad way) re: appearance, are things that trigger me. Like, sunglasses. Or bi-focals, or certain looks or cologne, or goatee moustaches, or most beards. It may suit the person, but it's hard for me to 'forget'about; I can look and think- 'they look attractive with that', I even 'like' it, and, though, I feel like, OMG, get me out of here!! :(:eek: :cry: , And I like some things more. But everyone is different, there. One of my sisters thinks long canine teeth are super hot.

If you can, stop worrying how you're seen. JMHO but you may be surprised what people see, and if you are authentic and they 'fit' with you, you will never have to think about it again. Any changes you make will be your choice, but won't influence attraction. Not for everyone. And if it does, maybe they're a bit more shallow, because let's be honest: stuff like that always changes, and means virtually nothing, really. Just live.

Best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@Abstract affirmations are a good idea! thank you.

@Junebug that does help thank you!