Desire Sexual Punishment

[Crow]

I've been where you are. Honestly the only thing that helped me get through the pull was going to SA. I balked at the suggestion from T but three years later when I was sick and tired of being used, I looked up a meeting. The impulses have decreased and I've gone nearly two years without acting out.

Find a group to connect with. If there's not an SA, try NA. Very similar struggles. The stories parallel.

Best wishes.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

My heart goes out to you - all of you. I think the hardest part of healing is learning to let go of the shame and love ourselves. Still trying to figure it out...

 

[driftaway]

Oh, Eve...
This is a topic I've never been able to bring up before with anyone in my life. I am engaged and me and my fiance engage in this style of punishment sex you describe. Why do we do this, Eve? I don't know. All I know is that you should feel comfortable and happy with your sexual choices, whatever they may be. God forbid it gets too bad and you become truly retraumatized. I have no answers for you but I do want to tell you that I relate. CSA makes us all so like (and so different, too). You are not alone.
Lillie

 

[scout86]

I'm really in awe of someone who has the courage to make this post at all!

About the second "friend".

I have a really good male friend. His childhood was kind of like mine. We each live in a similar version of reality and have an unspoken agreement to not talk about it.

He jokes about being a "sex addict",. I suspect that he thinks, somewhere deep inside, that sex is what people REALLY value him for, no matter what they say. I suspect I'm the only female he's ever been close to who HASN'T had sex with him. Not for want of temptation and there've been a couple close calls. The last time, he was engaged to someone I really like and who's been good for him. I (eventually) told him that I wasn't going to help him wreck a great relationship even if he didn't have the sense to see that that was what he was doing. I wasn't sure what to expect. We are closer friends now that ever. Maybe because he figured out that what I value is HIM, as a person. Anyway, THAT is friendship, IMO. Not exactly the same thing. Not "punishment". But the whole situation is complicated and the best thing you can do is not go there. If, after the dust settles and you're in a better frame of mind, you STILL think it's a good idea, you can always go ahead with what ever you want. Just YOU make the decision your own self. Don't let a symptom make it for you. (Thinking of you and hoping for the very best!)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@EveHarrington it was VERY hard to tell my therapist everything i was and still am doing like that but glad i did.

I can say to him now "i cut myself inside, put rubbing alcohol in there, went to my neighbor's and told him to invite all his friends to do anything they wanted to me" (actually did happen, more than once along with other stuff with that neighbor) and he said "im sorry that you felt so bad inside to do that, what started the bad feelings?"

Im not saying every therapist will do that but im saying not all wont.

Ive told him of all of my "punishments" in that direction to, and he normally concentrates on why i felt i needed to or what my days were like leading up to it...and its helping me understand why i do it to.

It was hard telling him. Behind the couch is a window, in front of the couch is his desk, his back facing it and him swiveled to face me...i look all the way away from him out the window, as far as i can to tell him this stuff and some of it i had to write down.

 

[Bluemoonwillow]

Thank you so much for posting this!!!! I understand how you feel and the need for the pain. If it is like for me it is so you CAN feel something, pain is better than being numb. When we want pain for comfort it has to be a pain we are familiar with so we go back to our most traumatic experience and relive it because we feel it. I don't have a solution, my current answer is to stay away from situations where so am alone with guys because I know it will lead to sex and either punishment sex, or self harm after for having sex. Not the best answer, or feasible in the long run because eventually I do want to have a relationship but have no clue how to get there, but the only answer I have at this time.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

:hug: Eve, glad you are feeling better

And I guess, there is a good side of it all. You can be the granny embarrasing people with all the crazy stories :P

 

[EveHarrington]

Thanks for the suggestion @CrowFeather I'm not sure if I'm ready for that step yet but I will keep it in mind.

 

[EveHarrington]

Thanks @Mal Content Working on the shame part is quite difficult. I've let go of a lot of shame so far but still carry boatloads of it around with me. (I think it breeds when I'm not paying attention!)

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you @Lillie for your kind words. It stinks that we have these CSA issues, but it's comforting to know we're not all alone in dealing with this. I could never talk about this stuff with anyone who hasn't experienced CSA. I would be mortified and I have a feeling their response would be more hurtful than helpful. This stuff is so alienating that I think we all just need validation, right?

 

[EveHarrington]

Thanks @scout86 for your insight! I am still trying to take it all in and figure things out in my mind so that I don't react to him solely out of emotion. I value that friendship but at the same time just need some space from him right now. I know he understands where I'm coming from as I explained why it hurt me to be asked those things. I am trying to remain reasonable, remembering that he feels close through physical affection and that's where the request was coming from, not out of a desire to use me, hurt me, or anything like that. I am trying to remember that he does care about me and that normal humans show affection through touch. (Darn----autocorrect Freudian slip? Touch corrected to "ouch"----! That was a bit scary. Darn you, phone! Lol)

 

[EveHarrington]

@Bluemoonwillow youre right, it is so I can feel something! I'm so accustomed to feeling the bad stuff that I end up wanting to feel the bad stuff as a way of comforting myself. Very messed up, right?