General Despair

[Sighs]

My vet is going through a really tough time and I am interstate due to family commitments.

Yesterday he said to me "I've seen enough of this world. Done enough, touched enough. There is nothing left I want to touch." And although I didn't say it, my heart cried "What about me? Don't you want to touch me? Why am I not enough reason for you to want to be in this world?" What I did say? "Its ok honey - you're having a bad day."

Today he told me he missed his soldiers, he missed serving and he wanted to do one last para mission, but leave the chute behind. I told him he couldn't do that. He is too valuable to me. He apologised and said he didn't want to burden me, especially when I should be having a good time with my family. I told him he could and should call me anytime to talk.

Any suggestions as to what to say or do when he is that place? @anthony? @FridayJones? @lucius.beach? @holdenmonty? Any other combat vets with any thoughts on this? (Sorry to call you guys out personally but it breaks my heart - he was such a good soldier and he feels as though the Army tossed him out the window the minute he was no longer battle fit.)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Do you think he is just stressed because you are out of town and letting it get the better of him?

 

[Deleted member 28812]

So sorry you are going through this... and so sorry I have no advice :(

 

[Sighs]

@Sweetpea76 - totally. Which makes me feel guilty for having gone away. Which makes me feel guilty for feeling guilty because I spend most of my time with him and very little with my daughter who is only 17. He'll be fine I know but its hard when he is struggling and I'm not there to soothe him.

 

[Sighs]

@Lemontree - Its nice to have 'friends' here on the forum who understand. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I tried to point some of our board's vets to your thread because I thought there are more then the ones you mentioned and well maybe it is at least a bit helpful.
Well hopefully you don't think it is totally inadequate and useless.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Which makes me feel guilty for having gone away. Which makes me feel guilty for feeling guilty because I spend most of my time with him and very little with my daughter who is only 17

Easier said than done I know, but stop feeling guilty for caring about more than just him. It won't do you, him, or your daughter any favours.

He apologised and said he didn't want to burden me, especially when I should be having a good time with my family. I told him he could and should call me anytime to talk.

Take comfort from the fact that he obviously loves, needs and misses you (as he should!), but that he understands and accepts you need to be doing what you're doing right now.

Try and have some fun, so that you have lots of happy stories to tell him when you get home.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Do you think he is just stressed because you are out of town and letting it get the better of him?[/Q...

Although I understand the sentiment behind the above comment, as a Combat Vet myself I take personal offence at being told that I am "Letting PTSD get the better of me".

I am not in control of my triggers and these emotional responses are as a result of the underlying trauma I suffered. To suggest that this is under my control is wrong, and is a direct issue relating to the condition.

Like an abused child will trigger and have a flashback, a Combat Veteran will react to a stressor in the exact same manner.

He has clearly been triggered IMHO and is expressing his inner most feelings and is under emotional distress as a result of your absence. He needs reassurance and a degree of understanding. I myself react in a similar manner to stressors.

I mean no malice in my reply to this thread, I simply point out that care needs to he taken when referring to any PTSD sufferer be they Military or Civilian abuse sufferers. Offence can be taken very easily whether intended or not.

 

[Ronin]

"I've seen enough of this world. Done enough, touched enough.

I was at that point, multiple times. Someone told me that was ONE area of life, there are so many other areas, and I'm closing the door to all of them if I'm just finished.

That it's alright to be done - but that doesn't mean one should be finished, and not like that, as there's lot more to live for.

So, doing what gives him a sense of purpose & fulfillment? I'm sure there's still a lot of things he can do - even if they aren't in the armed trades. Service is service, it's not finished, punto, nada ever after, with leaving the arms.

 

[shimmerz]

I know you are looking for army specific advice, but I think all PTSD'ers go through 'having enough'. I will throw my 2 cents in anyways, and if it is not helpful, sorry to have wasted your time.

I am not suicidal. However I do have times when I feel like giving up. Everything. But I am not suicidal. So I say this thing and have covered it off with the people who care about me.

Shimmerz: 'I want to shoot myself in the head. I won't but I want to.'

People know, because I care about them, that I am only blowing off steam and that is the way I do it. It is respectful, as a sufferer who has supporters who love them, to make this distinction.

As a supporter, if I heard my sufferer making noise about suicide, I would put my boundaries in firm place and let them know that any talk like that would get them hospitalized. ASAP. Now. Right Away. No hesitation. Pronto. (You get the drift)

 

[Sighs]

@Mr Laurie - I take your point - I can see how the language used implies that he has some control of it and I'm very aware that he doesn't. I'm sure that @Sweetpea76 didn't mean to imply that he does.

@Cashew - mmmm - a sense of purpose & fulfillment... hunting, horse riding, not sure. He is on a lifetime pension so he doesn't have to work. He couldn't volunteer or anything like that - he doesn't 'play well' with civilians. Essentially the trigger which put him into this downward spiral was a conversation with a neighbour who treated him like like he was a charity case. Doesn't go down well with a man who is used to command.

@shimmerz - thank you for your input. Its valuable to me. My vet is often passively suicidal. "I wish I could just vanish", "Both my family and the Army threw me out of the window like a piece of rubbish - I wish I'd been killed on deployment." (This, by the way is sort of true - or at least I can see how the objective facts would lead him to feel that way.) I believe he is

only blowing off steam

but it breaks my heart that he feels that way.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Sighs I do not think for one minute that @Sweetpea76 meant any malice in the comment, my observation was primarily one that wording has to be taken into consideration regarding these matters, I take no issue with this matter otherwise whatsoever.