Supporter Desperate For Help To Heal What I Shattered

[Deleted member 47941]

Hello and I wish I could have made this shorter. Please let me know if I should take this to a different forum here.

I am the 20+ year husband of a long-term PTSD victim of multiple events of sexual trauma. I wish it were as simple as that. I eventually started ignoring her pain and allowed narcissistic and selfish behaviors to take hold of and control me. I became someone I never thought I could. She never thought I could. In the end I did something that has removed all security and hope from her.

She is experiencing all the ebb and flow that PTSD brings. When we talk it sometimes becomes so much and the anger that deservedly comes to me I can not keep taking. I get defensive and sometimes angry myself, because we are constantly covering the same questions. I give the same answers. My reactions then set us off to another bad place.

I am trying to let go of anything within me that may be causing this, so as to not exacerbate her and create more rage. I am failing. I am trying to learn about me (started individual therapy) to see what my roadblocks may be. She says I need to do more...do it faster...be grander. I am at a loss as to what that might be. I have asked her but am told I have to figure that out.

I am looking for any and all assistance so that I can be with her through this entire event. So that I can help return some peace and safety to what I shattered.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @Degged, and welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time.

However I am also a little confused. You have put yourself as 'Other' rather than 'Supporter', so do I interpret from that, that you and your wife are no longer together?

I would love to offer assistance and advice, but I don't understand what the problem is, other than you feel you have changed into a controlling person.

What has your therapist said thus far?

 

[Kubash16]

First, I am so glad you entered into your own individual therapy. That is huge so kudos to you!

Second, is she in therapy herself? Specifically trauma therapy?

Third, have y’all considered couples therapy?

 

[Deleted member 47941]

Hi @Degged, and welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time.

However I am also a little confused. You have put yourself as 'Other' rather than 'Supporter', so do I interpret from that, that you and your wife are no longer together?

I would love to offer assistance and advice, but I don't understand what the problem is, other than you feel you have changed into a controlling person.

What has your therapist said thus far?

We are not living together regularly since my infidelity. I don't list myself as supporter because I don't feel I have been that I learned and did what I needed to over the years of our marriage. That lack of involvement and engagement added to her CPTSD. What I did re-triggered worse than the #MeeToo movement in October of last year. Now she sees me as one of the predators since raunchy sex was the outlet I took with my selfish behavior.

Her constant swings and persevorating require skills I haven't been able to manage yet. So when I get overwhelmed by it I get defensive and sometimes angry. That makes things worse.

I've only had 1 session so far, and I told my therapist I want to explore why I did what I did to her. I don't want to ignore anything that might reveal the truth no matter what.

First, I am so glad you entered into your own individual therapy. That is huge so kudos to you!

Second, is she in therapy herself? Specifically trauma therapy?

Third, have y’all considered couples therapy?

No she has not. We went to one couples therapy right after, and the therapist said she thought she could help my wife with her trauma. She then called my wife back the next day and said "I don't think I can. I think your trauma is too great for me." So my wife has been very reluctant to find another. Also, the city where we live has a lot of "faith based" counselors, and that will not work for either of us.

I am now looking for a couples counselor that my wife said she will go to. At least for now. The mood swings from anger to rage to helplessness make it hard to say as things change day by day and sometimes hour by hour.

 

[Kubash16]

No she has not. We went to one couples therapy right after, and the therapist said she thought she could help my wife with her trauma. She then called my wife back the next day and said "I don't think I can. I think your trauma is too great for me." So my wife has been very reluctant to find another. Also, the city where we live has a lot of "faith based" counselors, and that will not work for either of us.

I am now looking for a couples counselor that my wife said she will go to. At least for now. The mood swings from anger to rage to helplessness make it hard to say as things change day by day and sometimes hour by hour.

I can most definitely understand the mood swings and the mind changing. Believe me, I’m very well acquainted with those (from the sufferer side).

I understand the reluctance for faith based, but I’m sure you could request that faith not be included, and if anything some kind of therapy is better than nothing. (Unless it’s damaging of course and faith based wouldn’t be damaging, just annoying)

I think she should really really consider looking some more for trauma therapist. The other therapist was smart to refuse before any damage could be done. There are trauma specialists out there who would be able to help her manage the swings and everything else that wonderful PTSD brings us. I just don’t see things being super successful if she doesn’t try again, because that’s where the core of the issues are.

 

[Deleted member 47941]

I can most definitely understand the mood swings and the mind changing. Believe me, I’m very well acquainted with those (from the sufferer side).

I understand the reluctance for faith based, but I’m sure you could request that faith not be included, and if anything some kind of therapy is better than nothing. (Unless it’s damaging of course and faith based wouldn’t be damaging, just annoying)

I think she should really really consider looking some more for trauma therapist. The other therapist was smart to refuse before any damage could be done. There are trauma specialists out there who would be able to help her manage the swings and everything else that wonderful PTSD brings us. I just don’t see things being super successful if she doesn’t try again, because that’s where the core of the issues are.

I know. The complexity of the issues have this being so twisted up. She feel alone and frightened. I was her security...her haven. Now I am monster. I am doing the things now I should have done before. She wonders why I didn't. Why now? I am just a guilty monster?

I have spent the morning compiling a list of female therapists that seem to have trauma as part of their focus. I have also eliminated ones that show faith-based in their listings. I will be reviewing the list deeper and emailing them to see if they are accepting new patients so I can let her know.

 

[Kubash16]

Good!

I understand her mindset. To be honest, I think what you are doing is the only thing that can be done from your end at the moment. It’s going to take a very long time to get her trust back, but a trauma therapist can help that process along easier then by herself.

 

[EveHarrington]

You cheated on her?

You exited the relationship.

Do her a favor and let her go so she can heal and find someone who actually wants to be with her.

 

[Tinyflame]

^^ She may very well feel this way- you exited when she likely felt she needed you most. Especially if loyalty +/or fidelity is/ are some of her core values. Though it takes 2 for a relationship to struggle, or to drift away. But, you're right the likelihood of trust or safe haven is shattered. Idk if she'd be open to your suggestions.

The mood swings, were they occurring before, or is the content your betrayal/ her anger?

Good luck. For some people they can overcome it. But not when both people aren't willing or desirous, or don't put in the effort, or the pain is too great. You don't say the length of your marriage?

ETA, everyone can make a mistake, usually sex isn't really why someone cheats. I wish you both healing, and reconciliation if possible. At best it will take time, someone here said at least 2 years. And a real commitment to meeting each other's needs.

 

[Deleted member 47941]

You cheated on her?

You exited the relationship.

Do her a favor and let her go so she can heal and find someone who actually wants to be with her.

Thank you for the brevity, sincerity, and finality of your advice.

^^ She may very well feel this way- you exited when she likely felt she needed you most. Especially if loyalty +/or fidelity is/ are some of her core values. Though it takes 2 for a relationship to struggle, or to drift away. But, you're right the likelihood of trust or safe haven is shattered. Idk if she'd be open to your suggestions.

The mood swings, were they occurring before, or is the content your betrayal/ her anger?

Good luck. For some people they can overcome it. But not when both people aren't willing or desirous, or don't put in the effort, or the pain is too great. You don't say the length of your marriage?

ETA, everyone can make a mistake, usually sex isn't really why someone cheats. I wish you both healing, and reconciliation if possible. At best it will take time, someone here said at least 2 years. And a real commitment to meeting each other's needs.

I did mention in the opening post it was a 20+ year marriage. I didn't mention many of the additional trauma's inflicted on both of us...for example losing everything in Hurricane Katrina 4 months after my father died. Having to rebuild lives and jobs in new city. I believe their is hidden trauma in there for me that I never recognized and let things that felt good start to feed me.

At this point it is about her. About what she needs and wants...regardless of what that means for me.

Thank you

 

[hithere]

20 years is a long time. are you sure she hasn't been abusing you? ptsd is no excuse for abuse.

 

[Deleted member 47941]

20 years is a long time. are you sure she hasn't been abusing you? ptsd is no excuse for abuse.

I am not sure of anything any more. Possibly why I have come here looking for some answers.