Destructive Words

[The Albatross]

Not frustrating per se, what my husband and I both found was that we replicated our familial dysfunctions in our conflicts. It was hurtful and crazy making too. It was an unconscious thing that kept replaying between us - he reverting to his familial conflict style, and me to mine. We got counseling, read and learned some stuff about "healthy" conflict resoluton... things got better.

 

[Tanishq]

Alby, That's nice to hear it all turned out to be "healthy". nothing is better than an healthy outcome in the end.

Right now I scaled, those rejections. It hurt me because it was mine honest try to mend somethings, I invested lot of trust.

But this word from them really big hurtful than this. I did not expect this from them. It revived those all wounds and it is making hard to trust them in future.

 

[The Albatross]

I understand (and have been there). It is important though that you have already recognized that some of what you are feeling is reliving old wounds and past hurts. If you are able, you can choose to communicate this to your friend. The reaction will give you more information about whether or not to invest further in the relationship.

 

[Tanishq]

Thank you Alby. I was thinking I can't be like her. I should let them know their word has upset me.

I needed encouragement to message them back and know their reaction. This is good idea. I was being fearful what if more harsh words come back from them or they act like as if they did nothing wrong. I have hated such situations in past.

 

[Philippa]

Can I ask, did you only mention your bladder issue with this person once, or was it something you kept talking about with that person?

I ask because sometimes people get annoyed when someone continually talks about the same issue with them. There is only so much a person feels like they can give someone after the first couple of times they hear about an issue.

I had a friend a few years ago, and she had a lot of physical problems...like, A LOT. She had cerebral palsy and very bad menstruation issues which she needed surgery for. It was something that really took over her life and she talked about it all the time. We hardly ever spoke about anything else apart from her problems, and honestly, it did become a bit of a drain after a while.

That sounds horrible, but there is only so much a person can listen to about the same thing before they feel like they have nothing more to give and get tired of hearing about it.

Is it possible you were talking about it a lot with this person? There's nothing wrong with speaking about an issue that is bothering you with friends, and often we need to speak about it a few times before we can get past it, but if it is something that dominates our lives and we are always speaking about it, other people who are not experiencing that may not know what else to think.

It doesn't mean they have been judging you from the start though. It's possible, but it's also possible that you may have had a number of disappointments from other so-called 'friends' that you now think the same thing about this person who said this to you? That might not be the case though. We don't really know what anyone else is thinking about us.

I'm sorry that it hurt you so much to be told that, and I've been where you are in the past as well. My own mother thought I was faking being suicidal to get out of working and to get attention! I wanted to throw myself in front of a bus and she thought I was trying to avoid getting a job!:confused:

It can be very hurtful when that happens, but it's a good idea to keep track of how many times you speak about the problem to friends. I like to make sure I only speak about it a few times to certain friends over a space of weeks, and if I need to talk about it more, I go to another friend whom I haven't told.

I'm the sort of person who needs to speak about things for a while before I properly process whatever the issue or situation is. I wouldn't want to burden my friends with my troubles, as they have enough of their own, and kids on top of that...so I try to spread it around evenly so I'm not just talking about it all the time.

 

[The Albatross]

Good points Philippa :tup:

 

[mamachick]

I agree, good points Phillipa.
Years ago I had an accident, then cfids and fibromyalgia. I also had irritaable bowel syndrom. All of this took over my life for a couple of years. Im sure friends were sick of me.. (I guess lucky for me-I felt to bad to notice) I got better some and managed some better. My therapist said much was psychosomatic. That does not mean it is not real.

My older sister started having everything I had. I came to understand how I must have been in a conversation. We have very little in common, but focusing on illness becomes draining. This may not be your case at all. At any rate, I am sorry you have felt so let down.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, it's a hard one.

Especially when the problems you have are physical and do actually take over your life. For the person experiencing all those issues, it's hard to think about anything else, let alone find other things to talk about, so it's not something deliberate and I'm sure they would love to not have to talk about it at all and for it to be all cleared up.

To anyone else that isn't you, it can really seem like it's a cry for attention, and even if it is, there isn't anything necessarily 'wrong' with that, but it does start to annoy people when it's all they hear you talk about. I just don't see how telling the person they are only wanting attention actually helps them?

It's dismissive, and usually said with a connotation that it is a negative thing to do, and you are annoying them. It doesn't feel great, but at the same time, people have a right to express their own feelings, even when it's not something we want to hear.

I've been on both sides of the fence.

 

[Tanishq]

Philippa, It is possible they got tired. I know my life has many problems from childhood. Just physical suffering in odd way every time. It can be tiring some times. I always feel there is a solution for this and it will let me prevail from this for ever.

I have always shared good things with this person, but when they asked honestly I let them know about situation. I didn't talk too much with them. I did not kept them in dark room. Last year when I was infected, I did let them know like I did with my friends.

Many times friends left me because of problems in my life. I do get drained because of this all. I am learning to take care of myself. So I can understand if they were tired of this all, they spoke this word out of their frustration.

 

[Tanishq]

Especially when the problems you have are physical and do actually take over your life. For the person experiencing all those issues, it's hard to think about anything else, let alone find other things to talk about, so it's not something deliberate and I'm sure they would love to not have to talk about it at all and for it to be all cleared up.

"it's hard to think about anything else, let alone find other things to talk about" My situation.

thank you so much philippa for understanding me :cry: I want to hug you.

 

[Philippa]

Philippa, It is possible they got tired. I know my life has many problems from childhood. Just physical suffering in odd way every time. It can be tiring some times. I always feel there is a solution for this and it will let me prevail from this for ever.

It's kind of like when you make friends with someone, you want to hang out and have fun, and the first couple of times the person has some sort of illness, so it makes it hard to just hang out and have fun.

Then you see them a few more times, and there is something else wrong with them, like a new ailment or illness...and then a few months later it's something else. After a while it starts to feel like the person always has something wrong with them, and that can feel like they might be doing it just for the attention and sympathy it brings them.

I still know people like this, and it can be challenging, but I know they've been through a lot, and I'm a big believer in how the body manifests physical dis-ease and disorder when there are imbalances, often due to past abuses, and emotional trauma.

I do think it might be tied into the victim mentality that afflicts people who have been abused. It's not their fault, but it is everyone's responsability to pull themselves out of that place once they are aware they are in it.

I have always shared good things with this person, but when they asked honestly I let them know about situation. I didn't talk too much with them. I did not kept them in dark room. Last year when I was infected, I did let them know like I did with my friends.

Ok, well that sounds different then. If you only told them a couple of times, and they asked you what was going on, that doesn't sound like it was something you were always talking about.

Many times friends left me because of problems in my life. I do get drained because of this all. I am learning to take care of myself. So I can understand if they were tired of this all, they spoke this word out of their frustration.

Unfortunately, when people are young they just want to go where they are entertained and can have fun without having to deal with anyone elses problems. I had a lot of 'friends' do the same thing to me when I was your age as well. I was alone, clinically depressed, traumatized with only abusive people who thought they were being 'helpful' around me. Everyone else was too caught up in their own lives to stop and think that I was really struggling, and that really hurt, so I know how you must be feeling.

 

[Tanishq]

I still know people like this, and it can be challenging, but I know they've been through a lot, and I'm a big believer in how the body manifests physical dis-ease and disorder when there are imbalances, often due to past abuses, and emotional trauma.

I was very active boy during childhood. But I never had anything positive from my parents. I wanted to hear that they are willing to support me in what I want. Not what they want. What they did, it really planted some doubts in my mind. Am I really talented?

I was very outgoing person. I realized myself now a days what I was those days. I attracted some genuine people who were truly abundant in every way. They used to tell me, you have got many talents. Study ahead and go ahead in life. But this parents told me you just go outside to waste your own time. You are just hyperactive kid who doesn't obey his parents. If you don't obey your parents you will suffer a lot. You need to bring 50/50 marks to prove yourself. If you don't bring #1, how can I believe you are truly intelligent and possess talents? If you want your beloved stuff, you will have to bring #1.

When they said this words it really threw me in lots of doubts. After then I would feel so hard to prove myself. I never needed to prove anything, I was there already. But being doubts brought me back many times. This all started since I was 6 yr old. Still they are singing the same tune. They never believed me. I just wanted their support and love.

Philippa, your analysis and understanding is helping me now to understand more. I am going through the same thing. I do prayer, plant powerful affirmation, then one moments which tries to plant doubt. I get confused, I think nothing is working, I end up giving it all away. I think I can truly overcome anything I am facing. I am feeling this. I have got something. I want to understand how I can get there.