hello I am recovering from co-dependency I have a desire for healthy relationships. I am learning a lot right now about the futility of trying to stay in freindships with those who I used to be codependent with...I used to hang out with a crowd and we used to smoke and do coke together. I got away from them except for one who I connected with the most...I have tried to maintain the friendship but it somehow seems weird now when your changing and someone else is staying the same and your looking to the future and there nostalgic about the past...I have thought of walking away before but I always go back out of fear of loneliness..now I am just wanting to step into a new world to see what else there is to see..its seems hard for me to do though because its not like she has been overtly abusive..it just feels more like a gut instinct saying let go...anyone relate.
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Detaching With Love.
- Post starter IamFree
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I always wondered why I would stay in a friendship that wasn't in my best interest. I have been working on why I would do this to myself. I came up with my answer. Loyalty, but what I have come to realize is loyalty has an expiry date, if the relationship isn't healthy. It's not about who's right or wrong, who's good or bad. It's about being loyal to yourself. Because there no expiry date on self. I don't know if this makes sense. But it's what I came to believe.
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Seasounds
Diamond Member
Instincts, including gut reactions are valuable!
As I have healed from PTSD, and am more alive (vs frozen), I have more instinctual, somatic messages.
Like you, I needed new friends that were healthier-that match my increased self-esteem, being able to have a voice, create clearer boundaries (including not taking on shame or blame from others). I understand the loneliness factor. It sure takes a while to build new bonds.
Currently, I'm in the phase of getting acquainted with more people, and slowly stepping towards possible friendships. Meanwhile, I go to Alanon and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, to find people who are dealing with similar emotional issues, and I venture out into some 'hobby' activities to meet new friends, too.
Your changes are inspiring! Know you have my company, too!
As I have healed from PTSD, and am more alive (vs frozen), I have more instinctual, somatic messages.
Like you, I needed new friends that were healthier-that match my increased self-esteem, being able to have a voice, create clearer boundaries (including not taking on shame or blame from others). I understand the loneliness factor. It sure takes a while to build new bonds.
Currently, I'm in the phase of getting acquainted with more people, and slowly stepping towards possible friendships. Meanwhile, I go to Alanon and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, to find people who are dealing with similar emotional issues, and I venture out into some 'hobby' activities to meet new friends, too.
Your changes are inspiring! Know you have my company, too!
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- #5
Yes I know what you mean..for me as I have gotten more in touch with my emotions I began to notice my interactions with this friend would leave me feeling negative..without really being able to put a finger on why I would feel so negative after being with this person..I guess part of the problem is that are relationships roots were unhealthy we met and bonded on trauma and using..i guess if you water a plant with weed killer its gonna die...I would love to meet new people and build new relationships based on who I am now and not who I was then.
GrayOwl
Gold Member
I have spent the last 35 years in recovery, 28 of them clean. As I cleaned up and became less dependent upon drugs and alcohol to fulfill my life I grew beyond the superficial needs and wants that directed my life in addiction. Key here is "I". I grew. I needed to. It was the best thing that ever happened to me and it was a process of "cleaning" up and moving my life in the direction that I wanted to and needed to to survive.
Sadly, my "buds" didn't happen to feel the same needs at the same time, nor did they really care about me or my welfare or survival. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes I was lonely or depressed, or just longed for the "good ol days"..... but they were poison for me and I left that lifestyle behind. I would not be alive today if I hadn't. Nor would I have the chance today at a quality of life, or mental and emotional serenity that I can sometimes attain. Most of those "friends", I left behind.
But continuing to make the wise, but often grueling mental and emotional choices, to take the right path, I have grown and understand much more today than I ever thought possible. It is worth the effort. There are great rewards. Keep searching. Keep working hard. You will see. There will be great "AHA!" moments. Usually you realize they have occurred as they sink in, but they are part of the rewards. It's not always a smooth path, but it is interesting! Best wishes on your journey !!
p.s. I have great friends today. Even 1 or 2 from "back in the day".
Sadly, my "buds" didn't happen to feel the same needs at the same time, nor did they really care about me or my welfare or survival. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes I was lonely or depressed, or just longed for the "good ol days"..... but they were poison for me and I left that lifestyle behind. I would not be alive today if I hadn't. Nor would I have the chance today at a quality of life, or mental and emotional serenity that I can sometimes attain. Most of those "friends", I left behind.
But continuing to make the wise, but often grueling mental and emotional choices, to take the right path, I have grown and understand much more today than I ever thought possible. It is worth the effort. There are great rewards. Keep searching. Keep working hard. You will see. There will be great "AHA!" moments. Usually you realize they have occurred as they sink in, but they are part of the rewards. It's not always a smooth path, but it is interesting! Best wishes on your journey !!
p.s. I have great friends today. Even 1 or 2 from "back in the day".
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- #7
OneToughCookie
Silver Member
@IamFree, I used to have no boundaries myself. My therapist at the time told me I was codependent. I learned everything I could about codependence and started going to CoDA of my own accord. For me, it was obvious what people I had to separate from, as my mom, dad, ex-boyfriend, and another friend were abusive. Still, these people were my whole life and I was completely on my own as I began setting boundaries and changing. The solitude, however, ended up being the best thing for me because I really embraced self-care. I started doing nice things for myself all the time that I never would have done in the past. I started making sure I got to bed at the same time every night, I worked through the Feeling Good handbook to reduce some of my depression, I really focused on my therapy. It boosted my self-esteem a lot. I started to come out of a dissociated fog and experience more joy. Eventually, I did so much to be healthy that I started realizing I was significantly more healthy than the people at CoDA and just went it alone for a while. I transferred back to my old school where there were more activities so I could build a support network of healthier people. I started recovering from anorexia, was diagnosed with PTSD, started seeing a trauma specialist, and more. The trauma specialist and I connected, which is rare for me, and I didn't feel alone anymore. She wanted me to unburden myself of my problems and let her help. Eventually, I was healthy and regularly happy enough that I wanted to bring a boyfriend into my life, since I hadn't had one in a long time and needed some more intense emotional support. I found the most amazing guy on OKCupid. Since I met him, as well as some friends from a support group I did, I'm more willing to distance myself more and more from less healthy people and to focus on the things that fuel my recovery.
I was best friends with a certain guy for eight years up until this year. We stay in touch every now and then, and there's no real reason to not be friends, other than that he's not healthy; he smokes, cannot be vulnerable or have real/meaningful conversation, and is going in a completely different direction from me. We laugh a ton when we do talk, but it's less frequent now. I never knew how supportive, kind, open-minded, and loving people could be until this year. When I look at my old friend, I see how things I used to overlook, like his racism, condescension, unreliability, selfishness, and occasional meanness, seem less acceptable to me now. You deserve the very best friends in the world, and they're out there. It doesn't mean you have to ice out your friend completely if there are parts of them you love. Their friendship gives you an opportunity to figure out what it is you're really looking for; what you do, and don't like in a friend, as well as a bridge when you are feeling alone. I stayed friends with this guy while I was recovering. Now, our occasional calls have faded to Snapchats here and there. I have much less desire to speak to him now than I used to, since my life is full of so much more replenishing, mutual, healthy relationships than it used to be.
I'm guessing, as someone who smoked and did coke, you aren't very used to treating yourself and your body with a great deal of kindness either. Creating self-care goals and other life goals for yourself and working toward them could be enough of a distraction you don't even feel very alone. If you need or want a healthy friend to help you through, I'm right here and you can always reach out to me. :)
I have so much hope for you! Congrats on getting help and seeking healthy relationships; they're out there and things get much better!!!
I was best friends with a certain guy for eight years up until this year. We stay in touch every now and then, and there's no real reason to not be friends, other than that he's not healthy; he smokes, cannot be vulnerable or have real/meaningful conversation, and is going in a completely different direction from me. We laugh a ton when we do talk, but it's less frequent now. I never knew how supportive, kind, open-minded, and loving people could be until this year. When I look at my old friend, I see how things I used to overlook, like his racism, condescension, unreliability, selfishness, and occasional meanness, seem less acceptable to me now. You deserve the very best friends in the world, and they're out there. It doesn't mean you have to ice out your friend completely if there are parts of them you love. Their friendship gives you an opportunity to figure out what it is you're really looking for; what you do, and don't like in a friend, as well as a bridge when you are feeling alone. I stayed friends with this guy while I was recovering. Now, our occasional calls have faded to Snapchats here and there. I have much less desire to speak to him now than I used to, since my life is full of so much more replenishing, mutual, healthy relationships than it used to be.
I'm guessing, as someone who smoked and did coke, you aren't very used to treating yourself and your body with a great deal of kindness either. Creating self-care goals and other life goals for yourself and working toward them could be enough of a distraction you don't even feel very alone. If you need or want a healthy friend to help you through, I'm right here and you can always reach out to me. :)
I have so much hope for you! Congrats on getting help and seeking healthy relationships; they're out there and things get much better!!!
Friday
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A person doesn't have to be abusive for you to not want to spend time with them.
Yes!!! This ^^^^ :D
The whole drama filled "I'm not your friend anymore!" -or- It's close cousin "I'm not your friend anymore!" (Passive-aggressive fight-for-me, change my mind, & other manipulation tactics) ... Is a seeeeeeriously immature emotional drama sinkhole (whether teary, or angry, or flouncing, or whatever). Whether a deliberate attempt to hurt, or conscious/unconscious attempt to manipulate someone. It's sometimes unavoidable, and sometimes a well deserved slap across the face to someone who has wronged us. But most of the time, best avoided. Friendships end. They don't all need to end in tears.
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- #10
Yes I find twelve step groups useful but I am well aware now that there are unhealthy people in these places and the amount of time someone has been in recovery is no measure of how healthy they are..but I just focus on the elements of it which I know is helping me and is good for me...I like the coda concept of developing a relationship with your self first and then relationships with others comes after this...yeah its not good to ice out people who have not actually done something so wrong that warrants you cutting them off...but certainly its good to have time off to reflect upon things maybe I will feel different in future maybe I wont.
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- #11
yes indeed drama is best avoided but when someone has been being paticuarly violating setting a boundary in a formal way is needed like what I needed to do with my family members.
GrayOwl
Gold Member
How's everything going???
I hope things are proceeding in a positive direction in your life and that some peace of mind and serenity happen to drop in once in a while.....
I hope things are proceeding in a positive direction in your life and that some peace of mind and serenity happen to drop in once in a while.....
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