Detachment

[Seasounds]

@voiletbutterfly, I want to tell you that you are a decent and good human being, what ever you choose to do.

You may find help, by having someone help share and work through your emotional load, by adding a social worker (or case worker), to your resources-who has knowledge of community and insurance options, if you choose to disengage. Knowing your mother will not be alone, may give you the space you need. And it may feel safer to participate in her care, if you aren't the sole responsible party.

Please, use and keep this thread active, while in your process, by posting up-dates.

 

[sun seeker]

@VioletButterfly, I am glad you started this thread. I may soon be facing a similar dilemma and have no idea what to do, so no advice from here, but you have my empathy. I'll be watching with interest to see what others have to say.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I have a very coda relationship with my mother who has ALZ/DEM and she is unable to advocate for herself.

Detachment with love (Codependent -CoDA or 12 Step phrase) versus total abandonment (or No Contact) are two different positions. You did state 'detachment' so that says a lot about your admirable character. :tup:

Consider a T if you are not currently engaged with one in order to sort though the enmeshing and weigh out delegation channels to transfer responsibility. It takes time to choose avenues wisely. Prayers and peace be with you.

 

[The Albatross]

There are also groups of people who are caring for elderly... these can be instrumental and a solid source of support, often they are a great way of being aware of support services that may be available and can ease decision making because of the experiences of the group.

 

[Disquieted]

...my mother who has ALZ/DEM and she is unable to advocate for herself. She is the source of my entire life's PTSD experience. I don't feel that I can sever this relationship as I am her comprehensive POA, but I am dying, stressing... Tks! VB

Oh my goodness, I could have written this post. I am also POA for my mom who is the main contributor to my ptsd. I was actually okay until she had a stroke several years back. She went from being independent to unable to drive or make wise decisions. She can walk and talk but still plays games with people's minds. Anyways when she was done with rehab we moved her in with us, I don't know what I was thinking and I broke down and last April we moved her to a nursing home. Today has been horrendous and she is calling my hubby and paranoid and lost and angry and it's all my fault and I haven't seen or talked to her since November. Long way of saying that I'm doing better overall having no contact but it also causes anxiety.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Overwhelmed by your responses and kindness, and feel totally heard and hugged. I can't begin to respond to everyone today, but I want to take time so that I do. So much goodness was offered and I'm so appreciative!!!! Just a couple of points and then I want to step away and work this through in a Word document - this posting systems gets rather sloggy.

My mom is in a memory care unit (just found out it's unlicensed - ridiculous) and I do have a care manager who checks in on her and looks at her chart. The MC unit is very uncooperative and this is why I called the state ombudsman and the lawyer to see what to do. I have tasked the care manager and her colleagues to find a good, licensed facility where she is at. She's 4 states away. It's been hell getting her into a unit. I had to commit her to a geri-psych ward first. OMG! One flew over the coo coo's nest! My mom has ALZ/DEM with behavioral issues. She was a narcissist before the disease set in and all of her affectations and attitudes are still present, and did not retreat - that would've been a blessing.

At any rate, I am serving as her POA/guardian as a child of Christ and not a child of hers. This is the only way I can do this. I could turn this over to my sister; however, the money would disappear and then I'd have to clean up the mess anyway. So, yes, I have a choice - deal with the mess now or later. Also, you cannot delegate much as a POA as one responder noted. I am my mother "in fact" and it is my legal responsibility to see to her affairs. I have to give the orders if I wear the crown.

I'll write more later. Thank you again. I hope you have a blessed day. I'm going to "force" myself to watch some more NCAA hoops! :hug: VB

 

[sun seeker]

My mom has ALZ/DEM with behavioral issues. She was a narcissist before the disease set in and all of her affectations and attitudes are still present, and did not retreat - that would've been a blessing.

Just wanted to say I have known a lot of people with dementia and this fits with my observation that most often, whatever is already there in a person gets more obvious as the disease progresses. It's as if the defenses they developed to be socially acceptable fall away. When they are basically nice people, they just turn forgetful but still nice, and appreciative of their caregivers. With other people, it can be a huge challenge. Or they can flip back and forth unpredictably. I really feel for you as you go through this.

 

[VioletButterfly]

So much for responding in Word. I can't seem to find it; lol. At any rate, I wanted to check in today as I feel a little more solid. In another thread, I wrote about my doctor's visit and that I'm now on Zoloft to try to peel myself off the ceiling. It's not quite working out that way and I'm having a lot of side effects. I also wrote about my second visit to the newer T. It was like she was on a different planet and said we'd have to wait until the Zoloft kicked in. What?! Anyway, I called around again and have an appointment with someone tomorrow night. I feel like a serial client or something. I'm going to call my insurance carrier again to make sure it's okay to keep going until I find a good fit. I've been through really, really bad therapy and I'd rather go at it with just God and myself than to go through that again.

So, I've been on the phone this week again with the care manager a great deal talking about different care scenarios. I also had a call from my mom's MC unit manager; she's now following around another gentleman and they were "caught" touching. So, well, at least this time the manager took time to explain the situation and how this is nothing new and how they deal with it. That my mom's not the bad girl of the unit. Other than her, I haven't heard back from administration. I'm waiting to hear back from the state - we keep playing phone tag. I did speak with the psych nurse who is evaluating Mother again tomorrow. There just isn't good communication up there, so I wanted to be sure she knew about the latest beau and how Mom responded to being redirected (with the other man she pitched fits and was very mouthy, upsetting other residents). This is where the notion of returning her to a geri-psych unit arose again and/or general population in case of an emergency. OMG! So, well, I believe there are more details in the other post if you're interested.

The nurse told me that relationships are normal for folks in MC units as well. She is going to add a cocktail to my mother's meds to curb her impulsivity and will up her Lexapro dose. We’ll see what the nurse says tomorrow after she sees her. Also, someone mentioned that people usually keep their personalities in tact, maybe a little more pronounced. This has been contradicted by the manager and the ARPN today. Sometimes, nice little old ladies turn into tigers and vice versa. My mom's behavior is her original self, just amped. Aren’t I lucky!? Plus, since I run her life now, she hates me now. Hello, she made me POA. This is common as well, but still hurtful. I only call her on holidays and her birthday. Otherwise, I send little notes with Bible verses in them. My damage is limited to the running of her life and my sister’s evil interference – nightmare!

I noted that many of you want me to think about "choice" in this situation. I greatly appreciate that as it is something that I don’t consider very often. The story is long, complicated and absolutely enmeshed so I won’t go there; however, I feel compelled to take care of her as I know how my sister would handle this, as noted above. And, “no” I absolutely don’t want to be doing any of this. I do have a choice though and I have been thinking hard about alternatives short of turning it over to my sister. I am asking the caregiver to take on more and if anything of a legal nature comes up, it’s going right to the attorney. I’m tired of fighting. I have moved over what I can at this point to others, but as POA, I have to sign/approve everything and this little lady has A LOT going on due to having the behavioral type of ALZ/DEM on top of everything else that goes along with losing one’s ability to think clearly or make decisions and take care of herself.

That being said, I think I have the legal and financial ducks in a row for now though; knock on my monitor. I had to have new legal docs drawn up last summer as Mother’s were insufficient and crispy (1996), I’ve sold her housing and auctioned her things, I’ve moved her banking, set up a trust, am working with her broker, setting up authority as POA for every institution and government agency… the list goes on and on. If you’re going to be a POA or are a POA, please go to the ALZ website and see what all needs to be done. Also, please be sure you are a durable legal, financial and healthcare POA. Also, be sure a trust has been set up so that assets are protected when the time comes to move your loved one to memory care/skilled nursing. Phew, I’m exhausted just from typing and there is so much more, but I could write a book at this point.

Back to choice – yes, I have one. I did cut ties with her totally for 2 years when she was still in her right mind. ALZ/DEM is the opposite of that state of mind/being. You are helpless when you have this disease – you are as vulnerable as a baby (even if mean as a snake). With my current personality, I will take care of the running of Mother’s life for her and ensure she is safe for the time being. This may change tomorrow, it might change after a month of therapy if I can ever get a T who I have more than one appointment with. It may be that God tells me to let go and let Him steer for a while. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and am trying to stay present in today. I know that I need to calm down, that I am in caregiver meltdown, and that I need to take care of myself. I KNOW and have been told, so now am on my knees I’m trying to crawl through this back to sanity. I have been to a group, but like Al Anon, I think it’s time to give a different group a try. I didn’t know that then, I do now. Each group has its own character. I’d like to try Al Anon again – I was blessed to go to groups with awesome recovery, but they meet during the day across town. What a blessing though while I had it!

I know that the focus has to now come back to me as I have spent my life taking care of this tragic woman who keeps making horrible mistakes – I’m following in her footsteps, just making different mistakes. She thought only of herself and I think only of others. There has got to be something better in the middle and that’s where I place my hope. Some balance, somewhere in the middle where she and others like her don’t exist on an emotional level for me anymore. I guess that’s some work for therapy and some conversations with God. For now, I’m searching for a therapist, working with my doctor, praying, reading, posting, trying to eat and do self-care stuff. I have the list, it’s time to work it.

I noticed that many of you are facing a situation similar to mine and wanted to mention that along with checking out alz website, you will want to consult with an elderlaw attorney. Get everything you can set up in advance, including your loved one’s wishes – where to live, go through things and sort, etc… Get ahead of the game. Mopping up from behind is filthy brutal, especially if family is involved in the mix.

Take care and thank you for your support. VB

 

[Hope4Now]

@VioletButterfly it sounds as if you are doing more than most for your mother. Though I am not particularly religious in the traditional sense, I was brought up Christian and will say to you that you will most certainly have your reward in heaven. My mother's elderly brother keeps saying that to me.

It is great that you are trying to shift what you can onto others as much as possible. That is one way of caring for yourself. I hope you can find the practical support you need!

And to all, I would echo the advice about Power of Attorney and dealing with the person's estate. I was not able to do this in time for many reasons, but it is most certainly the way to go if you can manage to get all accounts and ownerships into your own name.

I wish you the best as you move ahead.

I noted that many of you want me to think about "choice" in this situation. I greatly appreciate that as it is something that I don’t consider very often. The story is long, complicated and absolutely enmeshed so I won’t go there; however, I feel compelled to take care of her

:hug:. This...this, I understand completely. No further words needed.

Here's my misery loves company remark: My mother is the same too, but AMPED. She is in assisted living nearby because I told her I could not manage what she needed in her home, and she could not afford it. (I am blamed for all of that! Yay!) Anyway, she has consistently refused to discuss her end-of-life wishes, so I am continually in a position of helping her make decisions...just recently she chose not to have surgery on her thyroid. That was many appointments and discussions. Just now I found out that she has quite serious congestive heart failure and likely an artery blockage. So we'll need to decide whether she goes into the hospital or not.

It is all so hard.

Have you heard the term "good enough parents" that are ones who may not be great but they do enough so their kids grow up relatively normal? Well, perhaps we can think of ourselves as "good enough children." We can't make them healthy or happy; we can't change the past or the future. But we can choose to do a "good enough" job to respect their dignity and worth as human beings no matter what has transpired in the past. The KEY IS: Don't let it kill you. We survived our childhoods. Let's not let the victimizers continue to victimize us. That's what I mean by choice, I guess. The choice to acknowledge that part of the compulsion to take care of her may come from a deeply caring and kind and forgiving part of yourself. Yes?!

 

[VioletButterfly]

Hope4Now - Thank you for your compassion and support. And, very much thank you for the :hug: as I don't those in real-time very often.

I appreciate your comment about being "good enough" as I have been turning that over in my mind over the past couple of weeks. It dawned on me one day that I am not meant to be perfect and that maybe, just maybe, I should shoot for the middle - "good enough." It still gets the job done and I'm still breathing at the end of the day. I totally get the perspective shift and am striving toward that more moderate approach. It seems to keep my anxiety level down just a tinch as well and that is a huge deal for me as right now I'm beyond strung out. So, I'm striving toward the middle in a lot of regards and trying to put the perfectionist in the trailer attached to the car. She likes to grab the wheel and steer way too often and I usually end up in the ditch, so I need to keep the distance. So well, that's that.

I am sorry that you, too, are having to deal with a contrary and unpredictable Mother whose health is in decline, and for whom you are trying to manage care and concerns. I hope you, at least, have a good ALF with which to work. Have you had a determination regarding surgery, yet? How do you manage the waiting? Waiting and responding instead of reacting and taking control takes a lot of energy for me. Often, it is the feeling that I have an utter lack of control over most aspects of what's going on, yet have to deal with the consequences of it all and make decisions that sends me reeling. I know I need to do a lot more of the "letting go and letting God," but often that just seems like a nice theory. At the same time, I do acknowledge all that I have and am doing on her behalf, and that infuriates me as I'm falling through the cracks of my own life. It all seems daunting, overwhelming, unending, unfair, and hopeless. Does it hit you that way as well? You seem to have a great deal more perspective than I do at present.

It looks like I may be moving Mother at this point due to all of the issues. I'm trying to buy a few months though so that I can get a job. That's a deal breaker in my mind. Now I just have to convince my emotions of this fact. Good grief. Take care. VB

 

[VioletButterfly]

I've had some success in stepping back. I started to call agencies early last week and shut it down. My care manager has been on vacation and I just decided to give myself one as well. I didn't get any calls or ambushes from Mom's facility, so I figured all was okay. My manager is back and she'll check in this week on Mom. I can't take this crap and have decided to turn over all of the research re: facilities/Medicaid beds/meds/behaviors to the care manager. A step in the right direction. I am finally seeing that I have to take care of myself. My stepmom also noted yesterday that my sister couldn't have done what I have for my mom so maybe it was God's plan that I take this on as I was capable of dealing with the business side of the issues. Emotionally, that's another issue, and I trust that God will help heal me in this regard and to help me set boundaries. It's still a hot mess, but I'm not alone. I heard a message on Joel Osteen this weekend about walking through the valley - it gave me strength. God is good. VB

 

[VioletButterfly]

Don't anyone fall down or anything, but I think I've reached a semi-point where I can set boundaries with regard to my mother. The unit sabotaged me with an ugly tirade from my mom. Umm, nope! That is their job. I called the stated again to no avail. I sent an email to the care manager. In the email, I split out what info I need to know about her care and condition where she is currently living and I also set out needs regarding getting her moved. I was very clear and concise. I project manage well. So, I received a call from the unit manager the day after I sent the email to the care manager. instead of calling her back, I called the care manager, feeling that I'd again be ambushed or "placated". I have been ambushed by these folks before. and am DONE! She and I had a very detailed discussion of what my concerns were as were detailed in the email. I'm not budging. If she cannot find another residential solution before May 1, then I'm getting another care manager. EOD. This is raining down on me and stressing me, and sending me reeling due to my history with my mother. I'm done. This is done. I was clear and concise in the email. If I don't get the results I need so that I can put this to rest, then I'm ready to move on. I agree with the professionals in my state - this is harassment and they are not doing their job at the facility.

It's darn weird to feel that way. Me with boundaries and me with an attitude?!?!. They are there to protect me and my mother, though. She should not have to live in such a state of and psychological discomfort, and neither should I. Why am I trying sleep meds, anxiety meds, SSRIS????? This is about her right now!!!!:!! I will not be cowed and made to play by an organization's rules when they are not even licensed by the state. Really?!?! Yeah, if you won't respect the POA, then maybe you'll respect the "real" attorney! Jerks! Customer service Hell. It's weird to have this "attitude." I kind of like it, but I'm kind of afraid of it. I'm too bound up in picking up a Louisville Slugger and smashing skulls to pulp when I'm really a chill, kind person. Ugrh! Anger!!!!!

So, that's where I'm at. I have a phone conference with the attorney this week re: legal issues and will update her on the memory care unit status. I told the care manager that If I didn't have exam docs from the physician and psych, then I'd be following up with her on Tuesday. I'm done! VB has drawn a line in the sand, and rightfully so!!! I've grown a pair and I'm ready to take the kill shot! Maybe I've been watching too much Criminal Minds, but heck ,this is ridiculous! Mercy! VB