Did You Feel Relieved When Your Abuser Died?

[angel2write]

My dad came to the end of a terminal illness that's lasted for about a year last night. I've been trying to pick through my feelings and figure them out some today.

One of the things I've identified that I'm feeling is relief. Not just relief that the whole illness thing is over (though that's in there, too.) But relief, I guess, that he's dead and can't hurt me now? I was pretty upset last night. Then this morning I've felt better. Calmer. Safer.

Is it just numbness and it's going to wear off when the shock is over? Or has anyone else experienced this feeling of relief?

 

[Sandra]

Yes, I wished my parent's dead as long as I can remember. And I don't miss them one little bit.

 

[windwoman]

When my first husband died I had a broken heart locket that I had worn after he abducted the children. I tucked it in his hands and told him to take my broken heart with him, I was starting a new life. Then I remember thinking, "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last. (was clueless of what I would go through because of the PTSD)

 

[Marie E.]

I am awaiting that day and will be thrilled!!!!!!!!!

 

[angel2write]

I don't know that I ever thought I would be "thrilled," but I was taken by surprise by how sad I was when I first got the news. And then taken by surprise again by how relieved I've felt today. Maybe my emotions are just being exaggerated right now.

 

[Sandra]

Under the circumstances it isn't uncommon to have mixed feelings.

 

[Marie E.]

I guess I would have mixed feelings if my abusers died and pissed as they to their death took their responsibilities of choosing no help and no sorry for me. Plus the pain in my heart and head will always be there even if I am to make my pain less felt.

 

[anni]

I was very, very relieved. I didn't believe the person who told me, actually, and had to make some further phone calls because I thought perhaps it was some plan to 'flush me out' so to speak. Wow, paranoid much ? After that and to this day- sheer relief, like this gray filter which prevented the sky from being blue was removed all of a sudden. Tough to describe. It hasn't gone away all these years later, maybe because the resultant freedoms across the board have been enourmous. I'm also not particularly sorry a human life is no longer here, and no, have zero guilt about that. I did not cause him to die, he did that himself, was not a person who I wish to mourn.

I don't know, everyone really is different. I don't think it would be unusual to experience just flat relief that someone who was capable of great harm to you is no longer able to do that.

 

[The Albatross]

Yes, I was relieved... but then the dynamic changed and my relationships with my brother and mother changed significantly as well. It has been a mixed bag. I did say though, "He can't turt me anymore." When the stuff kept going in my head, I knew it ws me, not him that was perpetuatiing the cycling and could take measures to look for help.

 

[BloomInWinter]

The grief stew on the dysfunctional family mourning buffet is rancid, bitter, hardly nourishing....but the only choice on the menu.

All feelings are normal and ok....and were also given to us by God to be able to find our way through the grief. Sorrow is in there, too...but it's the dessert after going through the first few servings of the stew....working through them....then there is place for sorrow as a palate cleansing, comforting food that seems to make it all tolerable again. Eventually.

(((((angel2write)))))

 

[Queen Boudica]

When my sister died and the police came and told me that night, the first emotions I felt were "it was just so inevitable" and relief. Relief that I did not have to deal with it anymore, the chaos the turmoil, the trying to pull me into the madness. That I no longer had any reason to keep any ties with my family. It was over. and my sister's struggle was over. Then enormous grief hit me and I was screaming. And I was angry at my mother I blamed her, I knew she was partly responsible for my sister's death.

I have always felt guilty about that relieved feeling I have. Really really guilty and telling myself, "see I am a monster because that is how I felt when my sister died. I obviously have no proper feelings.

So it is helpful to read here that relief is one of those feelings that comes with grief, especially in families where there is abuse.

 

[angel2write]

After that and to this day- sheer relief, like this gray filter which prevented the sky from being blue was removed all of a sudden. Tough to describe. It hasn't gone away all these years later, maybe because the resultant freedoms across the board have been enourmous....

I don't know, everyone really is different. I don't think it would be unusual to experience just flat relief that someone who was capable of great harm to you is no longer able to do that.

Thanks, anni- that is exactly what I'm feeling. And it's nice to know that someone else has felt it, too. At least if I'm strange, I'm not completely abnormal?