Did You Feel Relieved When Your Abuser Died?

[angel2write]

Hugs for Maddog (((((Maddog)))). Understand your frustration and rage. Somehow, thinking about them talking about what great parents they were and how lucky we were that "they didn't abuse us" like their parents abused them makes me angrier a lot of the time than remembering the actual abuse. Hypocrisy is disgusting and makes you feel insane. Like, my dad would whip us with a steel yard stick, or my brothers with a car antenna... but they never used a belt on us because that would be Abuse. And they didn't Abuse us. (gag)

I had a chance to talk to my youngest brother after the funeral. It was kind of cool. He talked about having the exact same feeling of relaxing and finally feeling like the chains were off... being able to breathe more deeply. Feeling like he could finally be his own person... I guess we both had this lingering feeling that our father was watching us all the time. So my brother and I had a bonding moment over this. And were able to laugh a little.

 

[angel2write]

It is not the best thing for me to feel, but my vindication will come when....

I can understand your feelings here, that you'll be vindicated when they are finally forced to stand accountable for their actions.

I've also felt that the best revenge I can have is to reclaim everything they took from me. To not let them break my whole life. To get away, escape, and live happily ever after. To not let the bastards win, if you'll excuse my language.

It helps me fight for recovery when things get tough to imagine that I'm reclaiming my life from their destruction.

 

[AngelaMarie]

Gosh! This thread is truly for me right now. My bio-dad died about 1 1/2 years ago. I didn't deal with my feelings. I started drinking really heavy and buried pretty much any feelings I had. Now I have stopped drinking and had a very vivid dream about something he did when I was 5 years old. Details came back really strong and have haunted me since. I believe that's the reason I can't sleep at night because that's when this happened. I sleep during the day.

I always dismissed everything he did. I would tell myself he was abused himself, he wasn't medicated properly, he didn't have the ability to not drink, etc. Now I am starting to get angry, hurt, lots of different feelings. It's hard, but something I need to do. I've hid from my true feelings way too long and now I believe I am strong enough to deal with what may come.

I truly feel for you and wish you well however it may turn out for you.

 

[stuff]

It was a profound relief for me when my mum died. I still feel horribly torn about that, but it was a gift. I really struggled with that huge calm that I felt once she was gone. It wasn't that I didn't have a sense compassion for her when she was dying from the terminal illness that took her life, but it was such a huge mix of emotions both during and after. The calm was unnerving because it was the first time in 31 years that I didn't feel hunted, or judged, or on edge. I didn't have to deal with her OCD symptoms, the constant phone calls, the critical comments, or attempting to be someone who deep down I knew I wasn't. It was terrifying. I didn't know what to do with the stillness. I still don't sometimes. It was part of the reason I began seeking therapy.

My mom dying was the removal of one bully from my life and that had a continuing effect. Having one bully gone, gave me the strength to look at my life, and get out of a very unhealthy relationship. It didn't get easy at that point, but it gave me the drive to get through the hard stuff I had go through to get out. I'm kind of grateful for that.

 

[maddog]

I lied to protect my father for a long long time... or rather, I lied to protect myself from the reality of what my father had done for a long, long time.

I think that somehow it's the only way we can cope, to try to make sense of something that makes no sense by assigning some superficial obvious explanation... he couldn't help it,he was sick, he didn't know any better/what he was doing... it doesn't have to be rational, it just has to be real in our own heads, and that lie can carry us a long long way.

It carried me through the first 29 years of my life, and learning to live in the absence of that lie has been harder than I could ever have imagined.

I want to believe that I hate my father unconditionally. But... I wonder if that's a lie too.

It scares me to wonder what I will do/how I will feel when he's gone, or when she's gone, because I truly don't know.

I miss something I never had, and long for it with a pain so huge that sometimes, thesedays, it's hard to breathe around it.

I should stop writing about this stuff.

Maddog

 

[freakofnurture]

I keep imagining the phone call I'll get, and I'm worried that I'll alienate everyone around me because I'll not be able to contain my happiness and sheer bliss. I'm confident that I'll feel a lot safer and a lot more relaxed once their - and everybody else's - expectation that I'll 'forgive' them will have vanished.

 

[angel2write]

I keep imagining the phone call I'll get, and I'm worried that I'll alienate everyone around me because I'll not be able to contain my happiness and sheer bliss.

I have kind of puzzled over what the appropriate response is to "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear your dad died." Finally decided a minimalist "thank you" is best. Though a couple of people have gone on to say, "You must be so sad..." and I wasn't sure what to say there. :rolleyes:

I guess it's just important to know that whatever we feel on the occasion is ok. Just because we're supposed to feel sad doesn't mean we have to. Society can go hang.

 

[stuff]

I have kind of puzzled over what the appropriate response is to "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear your dad died." Finally decided a minimalist "thank you" is best. Though a couple of people have gone on to say, "You must be so sad..." and I wasn't sure what to say there.

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like my response is foreign to the person, or that they think I'm feeling something I'm not. I've stuck to thank yous for the most part. The you must be so sad stuff, I tend to counter with an "It's a bit complex. We had a difficult relationship." and then usually end the conversation or change the subject as swiftly as possible.

 

[angel2write]

The you must be so sad stuff, I tend to counter with an "It's a bit complex. We had a difficult relationship." and then usually end the conversation or change the subject as swiftly as possible.

That's a good response! I never came up with anything half so good.

 

[J'aime]

My fath was also an abuser. He had a disease called Pons-Cerabella Atrophy, which is an atrophy of the pons and cerabella due to extreme alcohlism. When he died, I was just about to turn 16. He died in the room next to me, I saw his body, and he died in a painful manner through suffocation from his brain shutting down his lung functioning.

I felt guilty for not crying, not even a little bit. I felt guilt for praying earlier that day that he would die. I felt guilty because the rest of my family was torn apart, and I was sitting there, numb.

My father had ben in World War 2...so he was very military-like. I would get in trouble whe I cried by either him or my mother. So when he died, my initial readtion was not to cry, but silently sit and say "Thank God that's overwith". I never knew him well, because he never really took the time to get to know us. Half the time, he call me Roxanne (his daughter from a previous marriage). He didn't know how old I was, nor when my birthday was, etc.

I don't feel emotion when I think of him now. I never miss him. I guess the only feelings I ever have towards him are feelings of unfinished business, that he could have been a better man, a better husband, and a better father. But the past is the past, and is it definitively un-changeable now. So I don't question my emotions...they are simply whst my mind feels. I can't pretend to miss him, or pretend to feel'sad. I would be lying to myself.

 

[J'aime]

And I apologize once again for my typos! My server keeps timing out before I can type everything I want to say, so I type fast and don't have tme to edit. ;)

 

[Bosco2153]

I felt relief when both of them died....my pediphile father and my psychopath ex. I had to look closely at their bodies to be sure they were each dead...but even then it felt like they could hurt me. The ptsd didn't evolve until years after they were both dead. They both still haunt me...but especially the ex, who can still stand behind me and make me afraid to look. People remind me he's dead...but it's hard to embrace.