Did Your Abuser Enjoy Abusing You?

[ghotiff]

My sincere apologies if the question triggered anyone. I was reading the recent thread on sociopaths and this question is plaguing me.

My second sexual abuser clearly enjoyed dominating me. It wasn't about the sexual aspects it was about the power. The more I displayed any emotion about it, the worse it got. This likely explains why I don't really feel emotions.

My memories of my first abusers are less clear but I think it was more about the sexual side for him.

I suppose my question is, was my second abuser in the minority with this. While he did "less" I think he damaged me more.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking with this thread. I'm really in early stages of processing my childhood and I suppose I'm just reaching out. I can't bring myself to talk to my T yet about the details of the abuse. Just writing this fills my body with fear.

 

[Lolly]

I was wondering the exact same thing, after taking part in that particular thread. I was abused by three people. My Dad, and two boys at school. I know for a fact the two boys (who I used to call friends) really enjoyed sexually abusing me. It was pretty obvious. My Father, though, is a different matter. Personally, I think he did enjoy it, but he didn't show it often. Every now and again he would look happy about what he was doing. He must have enjoyed it, though, because he took part in a paedophile ring and started abusing other little girls as well. Surely he wouldn't do that if he didn't find pleasure from it?

Well done on asking the question, its a hard one to think about never mind discuss. Take care, I really hope that your therapy helps.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Keep journaling the stories will soften with time. Working on traumatic memories are really hard but if you can try to minimize their effect on you, you'll feel lighter emotionally. This can take years. If you're afraid of something you can post it on the forum and you'll get the validation and advice to help you process the memory.

 

[Starlite]

I believe my abusers enjoyed abusing me. I believe my second abuser seemed to enjoy it more than my first. The abuse my second abuser exposed me to was a lot worse than my first abuser but I remember the fear I had to just look at him or when he would look at me. How he can come into a rom and I would jump than stand as still as a statue afraid to move or say anything in fear that I might do or say something wrong and really get it that night. I lived like this for 4 years. Tormented every other night. Sexually, physical and mentally. He loved to see the fear in my eyes. To watch me freeze with fear at the sight of him. As the abuse was happening I learned to just shut up and not make any noise or sudden movements as this would really set him off and I would get it a lot worse. I eventually became numb to the situation. Had no emotion at all. To this day I don't have much emotion. I have just become numb to most of them except for anger.

 

[Friday]

In my experience, people generally hurt other people for 1:3 reasons:
- It's their job
- Enjoyment
- Accident &/or byproduct

Over the years, I've had all 3. Personally, I find the sick SOBs that enjoy it the easiest to deal with. Because I'm free to either hate them or dismiss them from my mind as I see fit. It has absolutely nothing to do with them, anymore. Total control in my hands / it becomes all about me. Easy. Or at least easier.

The ones for whom it was an accident or it was their job become a little more complicated in my mind. As I generally have a lot of compassion for them / there's nowhere to direct my anger / no one to blame.

Blame isn't an attractive thing. But it is a luxury.

 

[Intrepid]

I don't remember, except that some of my worse triggers now is of violence in movies done by people who seem to enjoy it. The worst was from the cruelty in Saving Private Ryan (Wish I never watched it).

I know my grandfather enjoyed sexually abusing his family (8 children, one of who eventually got locked up for it himself, and many grandchildren). He only got ahold of me once. I really haven't dealt with that directly. I'm grateful I didn't become one of his regulars. I've heard awful stories.

My mom turned her hurt into physical abuse and emotional neglect of me and my brothers. I think she liked it when she could beat me in front of her sister or friends.

I'm afraid I don't have anything to say about someone doing less and damaging worse. The physical abuse might be a little different. I dropped into deeper levels of dissociation with every attack, and really lost touch with what was happening.

When she succeeded in damaging me emotionally, by asking for things from me, then rejecting them harshly when she got them, I know she felt relief of some kind.

6 months ago this would have really been a triggering subject, but it's been a focus the last few months. Thanks for gently bringing it up. Gives me a chance to tell a little of my story.

 

[anonymous]

Interesting thread! given my age and the developmental problems I had prior to the abuse along with the amount (duration) of abuse which involved two teenaged care providers on separate occasions I am not really sure I can answer this yet. My initial emotional response is why? My whole childhood trauma is difficult for me to wrap my head around... Parental decisions to better themselves while leaving me vulnerable is difficult to say the least...

 

[NicG]

This is a really brave question to ask. I hope you're making progress (however slowly!) processing your trauma!

My abuser definitely enjoyed abusing me, at least sexually. He just LOVED to do it, loved seeing me in pain, loved getting what he wanted from me. Often it was the only time he ever seemed "happy with me", so to speak, which is pretty warped.
Emotionally though, I don't think he enjoyed that abuse. He'd take out every aspect of annoyance or anger on me, sometimes verbally, sometimes physically. I think it was because he lacked the skills to cope with his own feelings and whatever had happened to him as a child. He wasn't experiencing positive emotions, and he hated it, and his twisted sense of superiority and power towards me meant he always took it out on me.

I think understanding what drove your abuser to abuse, whether it's personal enjoyment or other deep-seated issues, can help you wrap your head around your trauma and come to terms with it a little better. Best of luck

 

[ghotiff]

As the abuse was happening I learned to just shut up and not make any noise or sudden movements as this would really set him off and I would get it a lot worse. I eventually became numb to the situation. Had no emotion at all. To this day I don't have much emotion. I have just become numb to most of them except for anger.

Same for me! Except my only emotion is fear.

My T is starting to work on this by asking how I feel over things. It's such a difficult question for me to know how to answer, I don't really feel things.

 

[ghotiff]

I suppose I'm trying to understand.

For example if I have a really bad day and are snappy at my kids (the closest analogy I can try to relate it to) ....at the time I'm not enjoying it and I don't want to be in a snappy mood. But maybe some parents do enjoy making snappy comments at the time (and may, or may not, regret it later).

I think with the amount of planning and grooming for long term sexual abuse outside the home (like mine) they must enjoy it and look forward to it.

I have memory flashes of his face filled with glee....horrible.

 

[Whirlwind]

I have memory flashes of his face filled with glee....horrible.

Ouch. I am sorry for that.

Personally, I find the sick SOBs that enjoy it the easiest to deal with.

I'm with Friday here, my single strength as I got older was a secret hate that had formed. Not a child's hate despite my age. It was well seasoned, at some point I SAW that they enjoyed the torment and it took many forms.

I don't know if that kind of disdain can help but somehow it still does help me a bit even today.

With that said...was there enjoyment? I say no. There lives were horrible...they seemingly enjoyed the torment but I don't believe that was enjoyment, not the real kind. It was mentally ill people feeding their demon. I watched a sibling become a creature of utter fury who got on the same road. Nothing any of them ever did felt like anything other than an outlet for rage and sickness.

I'm struggling to explain here but its my 0.02 for what its worth.

Good for you having the guts to ask the question, its an uneasy one no doubt.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[Tanishq]

Many people abused me emotionally and enjoyed dominating me. Showing how much powerful they are. I don't want to go in details because it still makes me feel bad. Today I think they need some help.