Did Your Abuser Make It Up To You?

[Obi]

I have recently realised that after my abuser stopped sexually abusing me, they bought me lots of nice things and tried to make life as good as possible for me. Sadly, it didn't make it better in the long run and I can not speak to someone who was so vicious to me as a child. I wondered if this happened to anyone else and if so, did you forgive and maintain a relationship with them?

 

[Izago]

No and no.

 

[Dune]

Both of my abusers did some form of this, although for my primary abuser, this started after I disclosed my trauma, years after the abuse had stopped, and it wasn't as pronounced as my second abuser.

In both instances, long term forgiveness was never forged nor maintained. I did go through several cycles with my ex of forgiving him, taking him back, then leaving him again, living in fear, being lavished with gifts and sweet gestures, forgiving... it's an exhausting cycle for anyone who has been through it.

 

[Ijeh]

The guy who sexually abused me died when I was a teenager. He never tried. He didn't care.

The woman who abused eventually me said she was sorry, and that she would try to be a different person. This was 35 years after the worst of the abuse stopped. She didn't just say that she was going to change, but she did. She was a different person. That's she one thing that was necessary to make up for it. It made a big difference. She was finally able to have a real relationship with me.

If she would have given me gifts instead it would have been like the "hearts and flowers" stage of abuse. It would have felt like she was trying to open the door again to more abuse. Truth is, before the change she did that often. She reeled me in a few times until I got it that it was all a game.

 

[Uwabo]

That is interesting. My abuser did offer me a financial package ( for infertility treatment ) that offended me and I rejected. I had to tell my husband as I felt I had made a unilateral decision which he might not have agreed with. I am glad to say he agreed and supported this very difficult decision.

 

[Bobos]

In both instances, long term forgiveness was never forged nor maintained. I did go through several cycles with my ex of forgiving him, taking him back, then leaving him again, living in fear, being lavished with gifts and sweet gestures, forgiving... it's an exhausting cycle for anyone who has been through it.

This cycle is horrific. Glad you and I both (and anyone else) got out of it.

As for the other two? Nope! I don't think they care or think they did anything wrong.

 

[Elid]

Nope - my main abuser disappeared into the woodworks. i often wonder if it ever crossed his mind - he appears to society like a decent family man. I'm sure he'd prefer not to remember.
My parents who unknowingly enabled my abuser did try to make it up to me. They gave me money. I was so confused at that stage I hated the money and used it to further my self destruction.
Thank goodness that's over now.
My parents did love me - that's why they tried, and they too got hurt. I'm sorry I hirt them more by being so self destructive.
My abuser could never make it up to me whatever he did, although I did used to long for an apology.
Some people are not big enough even for that.

 

[Zatu]

Hell no.

 

[Kudod]

Thank you for posting this. It validates my abuser's doing this. He bought me trinkets during the time of the worst abuse.

Later on, he indicated that he was trying to make up for "my bad childhood" by leaving me money in his will.

It's invalidating as if these things somehow smooth over soul-crushing, humiliating, and trust-destroying lifetime of emotional hangups and nightmares every night of my life. No amount of money will ever alleviate the symptoms of PTSD and DID.

Also, he indicated during my adolescence that I "need to figure out who I am." A. Duh, that's what adolescence is for. B. I only have identity disorder issues because he, my father, and his best friend repeatedly raped me and my siblings and friends. Asshole.

I spent years wondering what he meant, only to realize the answer is that he's manipulative and nothing he said or did was good.

 

[Gokuz]

No. My abusers (plural) all believe what they did was right and pin me as being at fault. They perpetuate my suffering. This is the backwards mentality I've come to expect from humanity and it is why I fantasize about committing mass genocide on a daily basis.