Didn't Expect That Today

[desiderata310]

I am struggling at the moment.

I went back this morning to see my psychiatrist. I had been having some issues with the medication and wanted to make sure that it was ok to continue to use. I got a call this morning asking me if I could be there in 45 minutes. Ummm well... ok...

I thought I was going in to talk medicine. I was not prepared in any way to have a full session.
I am really raw... feel torn apart and thrown back to the wolves.

Why? I just wanted to make sure my medicine was ok. She wants me back next week...

 

[Senecia]

I think they had the best intentions. But sometimes it can be rough. I'm sorry.
It's understandable to be under close monitoring when you're on a medication, especially when you're having issues. It's all for the best.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can you work on self care for the rest of the day?

:hug:s

 

[desiderata310]

I just got home. Couldn't deal with work. Just... I know that makes me a failure but...

Flashback and really bad panic attack yesterday and I had very carefully packed that all back away so I could deal with today and she had me drag it all back out today and poked through it and left me to pick up the pieces... I just can't do life anymore today

 

[KwanYingirl]

I say first do no harm. My therapist is expert on not making me drag buried crap up. He trusts me that when I feel safe, I will share stories with him. And he is a steady Eddie. So patient and, I don't know, just there in a way I can bear it. But if my gaze goes out the window, he calls it a day and lightens up the talk. He is always reading my body talk.

Sometimes it takes me a few days to fully recover from unearthing painful memories. I hate those days. I hate that I have to heal from this f*cking abuse history. But I have to say that talking about it does make it lose its power over me. I am sleeping really well finally with a third of the sleeping pill I take.

I think you deserve an explanation from her of what her intentions are and some set of guidelines that you can depend on.

 

[Born to Run]

she had me drag it all back out today and poked through it and left me to pick up the pieces

I believe this is not how therapy should be. First, it sounds as if she is very directive, which I am not sure if that is the right way in trauma therapy. As a trauma patient I understood that we should be leading and the therapist should follow, as poking into you, when you are not ready, is almost re-traumatizing. Second, to let you pick up the pieces after a session, is something I have never ever done after a session. The session will run out if it is necessary to get me back out on the street in a safe way. I feel this approach does you more harm than good. I would feel awful too after such a session, it feels empty of humanity and of compassion, but that could be my interpretation.

 

[Friday]

Boy oh boy oh boy do I hate surprises :wtf:

Expecting the unexpected takes an entire mindset, and it doesn't play well with expected things (like traffic lanes, paying bills, and being mostly harmless). A surprise, regardless of what it is, will throw me at least briefly right into survival mode. At the best of times (when I'm doing well & it's a happy sexy awesome surprise I can run with for awhile), that takes awhile to come down from. And that's when I can play in survival mode. Bleed off the adrenaline and put all the reaction reaction reaction stuff to use. When I'm doing badly, hanging on by my fingertips, or it's a shite awful surprise? May as well throw the emergency break on ice and watch me spin. Takes even longer to come down from.

Completely agree, laying out this doctors treatment plan... What she needs to know, why, when, & what she can get the cliff notes on from your T sounds like a good idea to ascertain. Later. Now, just gentle this landing as much as you can. Shifting gears from 5th to 1st on the freeway is gonna make the engine leap out of the car. Needing time to break & downshift is okay.

& my apologies for mixing metaphors.

 

[desiderata310]

@FridayJones Many things you say make me think that we are in some small way very much alike OUTSIDE of PTSD.

I've been mindfulness-ing myself to death and still can't come down so no, everything is on hold.

Sent my therapist the research the pysch gave me on cannabis and I chimed in that I thought it was bullshit (it was a TERRIBLE research paper- freshmen at a second rate community college could write better) and it seems to have gotten his goat and he emailed me to tell me he had left her an angry voicemail. Great. *rolls eyes* I supposedly have an appointment with her next week. At least they are talking. I guess that's progress. They can duke it out over who's right and who's wrong about the cannibas, the residental treatment and everything else.

I've still got to put myself back together...thanks, "professionals"

Truth: I've been ridden hard and put up wet and I'm doing what I can to deal with it. (oh ... our time is up... and send me out the door in a daze... stumbling and left to cry my way back to my town over a f*cking mountain 40 miles away)

Yesterday was a serious bitch and I was not expecting to delve into what happened or the utter fear I have of my ex and how very extensive that fear impacts my world. I really did have it packed away and was ready to deal with the day this morning. Now I can't. My everything hurts and I'm exhausted and panicked ...

Mix metaphores any time.. I do..

back to hiding...

 

[scout86]

I just wanted to make sure my medicine was ok.

Was it?

I know that makes me a failure but...

I think you're wrong. :clown: I think it makes you human and that's not a bad thing. It sounds like a pretty good idea, really.

What she needs to know, why, when, & what she can get the cliff notes on from your T sounds like a good idea to ascertain. Later.

:tup:
That sounds like a lot for the second time she's talked to you. I suppose she was trying to help, but.....

I'm not fond of surprises either. THAT kind of surprise????? :nailbiting::nailbiting::arghh;:banghead:

They can duke it out over who's right and who's wrong about the cannibas, the residental treatment and everything else.

THAT sounds like a great idea. Popcorn anyone?

Hang in there Des!

 

[desiderata310]

ummm...
k....so yeah I've talked to my therapist.. I hate talking on the phone but I think I needed to hear his voice so it was ok.. I mostly cried and he talked.

Said he and I were on the same page about the psychologist. Future should prove intersting with the two of them. They are not fans of eachother. I didn't have enough presence of mind to ask any useful questions.

Yes, she (the psychatrist) felt that the meds were ok and that I should just keep taking them and she pondered upping the dose to twice a day but not right now. When I got in there my blood pressure was high but my heart rate was low- like in the 60's low... *shrug*
When I first got there I wasn't stressed either..

My therapist also called because he was very excited that he'd found a residency treatment place that would work with my insurance (he was pretty sure) and that he had worked with in the past and felt they had an excellent program for PTSD and would work with someone who "doesn't fit the standard mold". That last part troubles me but I just can't think about that right now.

The cannabis has been on the table for a while because of the psychologist's dissapproval and my card is up for renewal. I'm down to almost nothing. My therapist insisted I take some. I did about 3 hours ago and I slept for almost 3 hours. And I didn't feel great when I woke and without so much as a second thought I cut and *sigh* And I still don't feel 100% but I feel a bit more like I can maybe make it in to work tomorrow.. that was an impossibility earlier today.

I'm not sure if I should text my therapist that I cut or if it's just too late and one of those things..Actually likelyhood of me cutting again later is pretty f*cking high right now because NOTHING else is dialing it back right now. The cannabis at least took the edge off the suicidal thinking.

 

[Hope4Now]

Sending you peaceful energy. Or hugs. Or whatever you need right now. Just thinking of you. Be warm and well and safe.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I'm not sure if I should text my therapist that I cut

Desi, I see you wrote the post above a couple hours of ago. I hope and pray that you're getting some sleep right now. As far as the cut goes, I hope you contacted your therapist; if not, I strongly encourage you to do so in the morning. You don't deserve to be feeling like this no matter what happened or is on the table in the future! When do you see him next?

I'm always here if you need to talk, and I feel like I've gotten to know you from your posts. Feel free to PM me anytime! I don't mind things/listening to people who are in crisis or just plain all over the place! I actually have A bachelors in psychology, some training as a paraprofessional, and I'm going for my Masters in counseling. I would be happy to provide proof of that if you would like. Sending you loads of support. Please be safe and gentle with yourself...let me add patient to that list as well...

Lots of supportive, gentle hugs...:hug::hug::hug: