Didn't Expect That Today

[scout86]

Well, I feel something. PO'd. At your T.

I just don't see you as being "too hard to deal with", And, what ever is going on, he should have told you the truth. Even if he doesn't know what to do or how to do it, that's not YOU, that's HIM. And it's not the end of the world either. It's an temporary obstacle to be overcome.

What ever is going on, he handled it badly.

 

[desiderata310]

I cancelled tomorrow. I just ... I can't. Therapist said he understood if I was triggered and worried that coming in would make me MORE triggered that it might not be a good idea and would be flexible about me coming in another day.

I... I'm not trigged... am I? I've been cancelled on several times. I sucked it up. I swallowed it down. I just don't want to go anymore. I know that I am what's making him sicker. And I can take a hint. I know that he's tired of working with me. I don't want to be the pain in the ass. I'm tired of being pushed off and put off and told that I have abandonment issues and... I
I don't think I'm triggered. I think I'm just being realistic.
Aren't I?

 

[Rumors]

I think I would ask him this question. I can't imagine how you must feel knowing that he saw patients and cancelled you, however you should go in and talk with him about it. Your perception may be far worse than the reality. Perhaps he had to go to the doctor during your time? Who knows, but you definitely won't unless you ask. By the way, how do you know he saw patients?

 

[Sandstone]

I can't fault him. I really can't. He said he COULD make it but he wouldn't be 100%... I'm barely running on fumes. I need him to be doing better that "70%"

I'm too much to deal with. Too hard a client. He actually saw clients today; he only cancelled me.

I know that I am what's making him sicker. And I can take a hint. I know that he's tired of working with me. I don't want to be the pain in the ass. I'm tired of being pushed off and put off and told that I have abandonment issues and... I

He didn't cancel you. If he thought you were making him sicker then he would have handed you on to someone else by now. But that isn't what he is doing, he is working with you to help you find the best treatment. I think you may be filtering your experience through your pain. I suspect you heard the message "I won't be 100%" as an instruction to stay away when it probably wasn't meant that way.

Who has told you that you have abandonment issues? And how did they say it? Those of us who have been neglected and abandoned in the past have an absolute right to have abandonment issues. It's inevitably part of us. The people who are wrong are the ones who use those issues against us, as a way to control us or to minimise what we experience. It doesn't mean we can hold onto those issues for ever, we have the duty to work on them as part of our healing. Maybe one day it moves on to not feeling abandoned. I'd be happy at the moment with being able to say This is how I feel, this is why. These parts of the reasons are true, these parts are me reacting from old experience.

 

[desiderata310]

My route to and from work goes directly past the office.

My therapist was the one who said I have abandonment issues. He was frustrated at the time. This was several weeks ago.

Actually the70% was a direct quote. He cancelled saying he was having a low energy day due to the Lyme disease.

I have finally asked for an explanation- late last night I finally managed to get a coherent email togwther.
This is the 3rd? 4th? Time in the last month that he's cancelled on me because of Lyme disease related issues and twice he spent the day seeing other patients during the day.(the other time I could again observe this phenomenon as well as I was out running errands) it's hard to miss.

He can cancel on who he likes. But he knew I am in a bad spot.

I guess none of that really matters. I Don't know

 

[Sandstone]

Of course it matters, because you matter.

I hope you and he can discuss this and resolve it enough to continue working together. It still sounds to me that he recognises your needs are greater than many of his other patients, doesn't mind them being greater and wants to to be able to support you properly.

 

[scout86]

I'm not trigged... am I?

Maybe? I can easily see how a person might be "triggered" by having their T cancel a series of appointments. Especially when, on at least one occasion, it looks like they worked part of the day. And then being triggered could lead to a whole series of conclusions that may or may not be accurate. And it could lead a person to assume that "everything" is their fault, if that's what they've learned over the years to do.

I could offer up so other possible explanations for what happened yesterday, but I don't know the reality of it any more surely than you do.

Let's take the worst case scenario for a second (even though I don't think it's accurate). Suppose you ARE "too much for him". Is this the way he should handle that? I don't think so. It would be better, I think, if he gave you the whole story and told you he was going to work a partial day. (But sometimes the way therapists choose to handle this stuff is a bit beyond my comprehension.) It would be better if he helped you find a T who has more or different experience. I'm thinking he hasn't "fired" you because he doesn't want to. To be honest, there are times when I wonder if he's making the right choice there, for YOU, but I don't really have any way to know.

You might consider just asking him. "Hey T, I know (or think) I'm a problem for you and you haven't been feeling well. Would you rather I found another T?" See what he says. What have you got to lose?

What I keep thinking is, although there's a lot I don't know here, you are so FAR from being the most hopeless seeming person I know, I can't even imagine how anyone could think otherwise.

 

[desiderata310]

*sigh*...
ok... I am triggered.. was triggered ... can't get un-triggered.
Fighting with myself about all of this. It hurt so badly to see that he was at work after begging off when I had been very carefully meting out my energy/whatever to accommodate him and trying to get to the next day and I am empty. I've got nothing. And I'm honestly afraid to go in now. I can't even vocalize exactly why.

Why the f*ck must everything be so god damned difficult?!
I NEEDED this week to be calm so I could get some work done. It's been shot to hell. I'm struggling to keep my head somewhere NEAR the game but I can't even bring myself to open a spread sheet. I've been busy doing the crap work that doesn't take a brain: setting up meetings, dealing with personnel issues, etc. Anything that takes real concentration? Nothing doing. My mind immediately takes a walk and starts thinking about ANYTHING ANYTHING but what's in front of me.

I've not heard back from him since I originally cancelled last night. I'm afraid to email him back at this point.

 

[scout86]

I "liked" that in that you're still plugging away, in the game.

All that crap work needs to get done too, so that sounds like a good plan.

And I'm honestly afraid to go in now. I can't even vocalize exactly why.

I never really found an answer for the question, but have definitely been THERE. (I did go in and it turned out fine. After the "scared to death" part was over.)

I've not heard back from him since I originally cancelled last night. I'm afraid to email him back at this point.

I have no idea what's going on with him, obviously. But, he SAID you had "abandonment issues". What, exactly, did he expect? If he expected something other than what he got, well he was WRONG. And, now that he's had a chance to think about it, he shouldn't have been surprised. After all, if you didn't have a few issues, you wouldn't be seeing him in the first place, right?

May the rest of your day be boring! :hug:

 

[desiderata310]

Yes, about a month back he SAID it to me. I had never thought about it and it stung to hear it said like that, it felt like an indictment to have it said that way. I guess I DO but hell...
It was back during the stuff that happened when he suddenly cancelled to go 'surfing' and then cut our meetings back to once a week.
At some point I need to figure out what to do about therapy but for now I have a meeting to talk about personnel scheduling and that's easy mindless stuff that makes me at least FEEL like I can 'adult' today.

 

[desiderata310]

T:
I guess I misinterpreted what you meant by saying you weren't doing well & questioning whether we should meet.
You are not making me sick/sicker.
I am not hinting at anything. I have needed to reschedule multiple appts this week.
You have enough on your plate as it is. I suggest that you try to spend less time reading between the lines when it comes to me.
Maybe you're trying to push ME away...?

ME:
No.. you didn't misinterpret.
There's a lot going on behind that statement. A lot of me and bad coping and remembering that I said I shouldn't come in if I can't handle things and yes, feeling very horrible because of the rescheduling and feeling unsafe because well f*ck... I'm still scared stiff that I'm going to have another session like with psych Dr and scared about what to do about that knowing that was all my fault and unsteady because of how unsafe I feel because of what all that has stirred up and jesus....

Reading between lines is what kept me f*cking alive and you just want me to stop??
(T)Maybe you're trying to push ME away...?

I DON'T KNOW!!!!!:cry:

 

[scout86]

I DON'T KNOW

And maybe that's ok? Maybe you don't HAVE to "know" anything right this second.

I'm still kind of confused. But I've been on the receiving end of a couple messages pretty similar to that. (I was confused by those messages too and pretty sure I was somehow "wrong"... I ultimately got told that he wished I could quit spending so much time being distracted by trying to figure out what was "right" and just relax. :))

How about, for now, you take him at his word. You're NOT making him sicker and he's NOT trying to find a sneaky way to dump you as a client. If he's wrong about you making him sicker, he's a competent grown up and gets to make his own mistakes. If he, eventually, comes up with a sneaky way of dumping you as a client, you can at least call him a liar to his face and you have written proof to back it up. Maybe we could all picket his office with signs that say "liar!"

Reading between the lines is exhausting. I'm working on replacing it with asking stupid, annoying, repetitious questions instead.

I'm still scared stiff that I'm going to have another session like with psych Dr

That sounds like a real good topic for a serious conversation.

I could tell you what my T says when I go off an a tangent about something being "all my fault", but I think you already know it. The Doc sounded a bit over the top/scary to me. How's that YOUR fault?

Reading between lines is what kept me f*cking alive

It really DOES seem that way, doesn't it? But, yeah, he probably really does want you to stop. At least when it comes to him. This really SHOULD be a relationship where you don't have to do that.

Keep up the good work! (I'm serious. It might be messy, but it looks like some kind of progress.)