Didn't Expect That Today

[desiderata310]

Thanks Holly. I tired. I texted him twice I just never got hold of him.
I did cut again. I don't know.. I don't suppose it matters.

 

[scout86]

I don't suppose it matters.

It matters. It's not necessarily the end of the world, unless your life is in danger, but it matters.

Take good care!

 

[Hope4Now]

Thanks Holly. I tired. I texted him twice I just never got hold of him.
I did cut again. I don't know.. I don't suppose it matters.

It does matter. You matter. All of you...your body and your feelings and your experiences. So glad you texted him. I hope he gets back to you very soon.
Peace, @desiderata310

 

[desiderata310]

I suppose the content is what kept him from responding.. I suck at reaching out when I need help.
I managed to admit that I had cut and was out of coping mechanisms and didn't want to cut again in the first text
The second... all I managed was a f*cking emoticon. I was moments from cutting again and it was late and I just..I couldn't call.

He's told me before, no I know that he doesn't "approve" of me cutting but I'm trying to 'stay alive' ... I still feel like a failure when I do it but it's soothing- which sounds counterintuitive, I know.

I have to be at work in an hour and a half: dressed, perky, and with the inspection list printed and ready. I want so badly to call in sick . I don't have the energy for this.

 

[Hope4Now]

I still feel like a failure when I do it but it's soothing- which sounds counterintuitive, I know.

You're not a failure. You're trying to survive. In the therapy I do, cutting, etc. is called a "firefighter"...it is (yes, sounds counterintuitive) a protector part of yourself that zooms in when the other manager parts run out of steam. It's one of many firefighter parts (dissociation, substance abuse, etc.) and it's intention is to help you survive by preventing the emotional overwhelm from taking over your system. I am starting to engage with these parts of myself right now, and it is really hard...but the more I do it (as opposed to fighting them off), the easier it becomes to have them give me a little space and do something different.

The part of you that believes it needs to cut needs you to recognize the way it is trying to help you, even though the help it is providing is ultimately not helpful (if that makes sense). If it doesn't make sense, try watching the video on this page: http://www.selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html

It all sounds sort of crazy, but it is actually really helpful for me. I hope maybe it will help you think about what's happening in you in a different way.

Peace.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@desiderata310 I don't know if you're at work right now. If you are I just hope it's a good distraction for you. Like a whole different person. That's what work does for me. I leave the cutter and the drugged and the dissociated at home and act normal for a bit. But alas, I must come back to me and cope with my PTSD and the massive f*cking pain I have had to endure as a child and the shock of being kidnapped and strangled as a young adult. My mind cannot shut it out unless I screw with my brain chemicals with cutting and drugs. I say I have a brain that has to be altered and I mean it and I know how miserable you are and I honor you at the highest regard. You are working through a tsunami. Cutting is a temporary relief but damn it's effective. I really like my therapist and don't want to disappoint him so I've been trying other things when I reach for my blade. I hold it and then talk to the ghost of my therapist. I know him well enough to provide his voice in my conversation. I sound like a whacko but it helps me reign in the overwhelm that I'm desperate to quell . For awhile I overused my Xanax and had to go through withdrawal cuz my shrink refused to write me a script. The whole baloney blew up and I needed to be inpatient but can't be locked in. I can't be locked up. So then it was back to cutting and designing new tattoos to cover up my scars. Play talking to my therapist shifts my perspective. I become proactive instead of reactive.

I hope you can go for the inpatient program. Maybe your Ts comment on him being from a different mold means he's a hell of a lot with it as trauma is concerned. I mean we have to heal our body/mind split not so easy to do but the truth is that the body holds the score. I took a leap of faith when I was suicidal to just tell my therapist some of my story. I didn't sound rational or make sense but it was a start. A ton of weight came off my back. I hope this program works out to be a good fit for you. In the meantime please be gentel with your body and feelings. Feelings come and go. Put the scarlet painful feelings on a train and visualize them going into the closest ocean where they'll transmute and become oxygen for the fish. One of the auspicious symbols in Buddhism is the golden fish. All day, every day, they swim in murky water with no fear.

 

[desiderata310]

Maybe your Ts comment on him being from a different mold

He was talking about me not fitting the mold of the average PTSD person.
I try not that think about it too much. Makes me feel.. ridiculous. Like it's all made up. Like I should be able to bully my way back out and NONE of this should bother me. I find I'm so worried about making mountains out of molehills that I can't actually SEE the mountain when I am about it hit it.


While we were on the phone yesterday he made the comment- he knows I hate it when he says this "in all fairness, Desi, you should be hooked on heroin" (he was trying to get me to take the medical MJ so I could calm down and I worry about looking like an drug users) I started bawling and he apologized saying he know how much I hate it when he says that. The ugly empty feeling in my pit of my stomach when he says that... it just... it stops me cold. Makes me wish I could lay down and never move again. It hurts in a way I can't fully explain. I know he means it to help.

I guess I'm not in.. 'crisis' so I guess I shouldn't call/text him. Actually, I can't tell if I am or not.

I am at work. Took a break. Was getting overwhelmed. I couldn't miss today.. well.. that's not entirely true. If I had been as bad as yesterday nothing could have kept me here. We did the tour and I was.. hanging in there. Got to the end and found someone had been writing their names all over the inside of some drawers. I did a minor rant on how stupid it was and one of the city guys thought that I was really pissed AND then suddenly I was just very suicidal. Trying to come back down from that isn't easy. Don't know WHY it pissed me off so and WHY it made me feel so terrible - the guy who commented that he thought I was angry was half joking. I'm just not up for ribbing today.

Really, very seriously, this is a moment by moment day. Overjoyed to learn I don't have to work late. Therapy tomorrow morning.
I'm going to try to gather myself up and call the intake for the treatment center he told me about. I couldn't do it yesterday.

I am not certain I am up for that today but we will see..

it's intention is to help you survive by preventing the emotional overwhelm from taking over your system.

No.. I guess I get that. It doesn't make me feel anymore comfortable about it.
I went for years without cutting and now... now I can't.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I was getting grief from my psychiatrist because I moved to Maine and he took over my case. He said he'd never have prescribed me what I take. I told him if he lived through the life I had to, he'd hook himself up to a morphine drip. He just stared at me and then I asked him if he knew what PTSD was. I asked him if he ever got raped. He just stared at me. Finally he said he would let me stay on my meds but he added an atypical antipsychotic and that has REALLY helped my compulsiveness. Too bad it made me gain a bunch of weight.

I know suffering. I know how you. Are feeling. Or trying not to feel may be more like it, huh? Just asking for a rest from the symptoms just a rest for christs sake. Would your pot help you through this patch? At least help you get sleep? I've read online that medical marijuana is approved to treat PTSD in many states. Most of the supporting data is from the experience of veterans with PTSD. Your not a druggie if you're using a valid product that can help. I guess there may be certain strains of it more or less suited to treat PTSD. Anyway, I am sending healing thoughts your way. Maybe when your therapist makes those comments about you and heroine, he's validating the severity of your condition and in a backhanded way is complimenting you. When's the last time you had a vacation?

 

[desiderata310]

Or trying not to feel may be more like it, huh? Just asking for a rest from the symptoms just a rest for christs sake. Would your pot help you through this patch? At least help you get sleep?

Mostly wish I could get a break, yes. It does sometimes help. I have access legally. It still makes me feel like a criminal.
I know it's meant as a compliment... but it feels horrible.
What is this Va-kay-shon you speak of? Seriously? It's been years.

He just cancelled on me for tomorrow. His lyme disease is knocking him around.
I had JUST ENOUGH in me to make it till tomorrow...
I can't fault him. I really can't. He said he COULD make it but he wouldn't be 100%... I'm barely running on fumes. I need him to be doing better that "70%" So.. I guess I hope I have enough to make it another day.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Time away from work. Sleep in or get up and go 100 MPH. Go out to eat. Spoil yourself. Recharge. Time at a treatment center. I get a kick out of the swanky private trauma centers I see advertised online. For the rich and famous. I can't see myself agreeing to spa treatments from total strangers. Seriously the work comes from within. It starts with the breath. And it always comes back to the breath. Breathe in "I am breathing in", breathe out "I am breathing out". And then you relax. Vacation.

 

[desiderata310]

I'm too much to deal with. Too hard a client. He actually saw clients today; he only cancelled me.
I don't feel anything right now.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Ummmm wow, time to get a new therapist, that's all I can say...