Die.

[EveHarrington]

Die.

That is what I want to do.

It's not just about not wanting to feel this bad. I see no future. I see no positive outcomes.

I didn't feel safe at home so I just left. People say it's dangerous to just park my car wherever and sleep but I don't care. By the way they talk you'd think we live in a war torn country where death lurked around every corner. Mostly here there are just cows. The docile type. I don't think they'd ever hurt me.

I am scared of everyone and everything. It's terrifying to even post this as I have no idea what kind of responses I'll receive.

I've been shaking on/off all day.

I don't even care about anyone around me. I don't think they'd miss me. I think with how much they complain that they'd be glad I was gone.

Die.
Pick up and leave/disappear.
All of the above.

I used to think I could beat this disorder and be something or do something with my life. I don't really think that anymore. Is there a point to living when things are so dire? No joy. Just stressing everyone out, burdening those around you.

Not a snowflake; not unique.
Whatever it is that I have brought or could potentially bring to this world---------this role could easily be filled by another.

I kind of hope my medical problems kill me. Part of why I refuse traditional medical intervention-----but I don't tell people this. I'm a coward. It would be nice-------because yes, I am too cowardly to kill myself. Not enough meds-----I'd probably only sleep a few days. No gun-----I guess that's a good thing. Bridges and trains-------they'd do the trick, but like I said, I'm a coward.

I can't remember why I started writing all of this. Maybe part of me does want help. Maybe.

 

[digger]

Do you have a therapist at the moment @EveHarrington? If you do, do you think you'd be able to reach out to them and tell them how you're feeling right now?

I don't even care about anyone around me. I don't think they'd miss me. I think with how much they complain that they'd be glad I was gone.

I have been where you are now, and deeper, and this is a very much a red flag train of thought for me. When I start thinking like this I know I really need to get extra help. Most of the time I am able to pull myself up from suicidal ideation because I genuinely do believe that suicide is not an end to pain, it is pain passed on to others. It would affect other people in ways I wouldn't want for them, for all I'd like to believe it wouldnt. If I'm struggling to see that anymore then I need help.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more useful to say other than please get help, but please get help.

 

[Riot]

@EveHarrington, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way right now. Echoing @digger here on hoping you get help.

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you.

I don't have a therapist at the moment. Have been looking for a new one for a few months now. Made a list-----but then never contacted any of them as I get frustrated, my paranoia starts ramping up, and then I retreat. The symptom I need help with the most is the one that keeps me from reaching out for help. I fear what they will think; I fear what they will say. "Paranoid people don't admit their paranoid; they don't reach out for help." This is what I think. I need to overcome it somehow as I need more support. But then I think that my paranoia keeps me safe and maybe it's best to let it take the whole ship down.

It's 6:30am and I haven't slept yet. I'm exhausted.

Thank you again.

 

[Suzetig]

Can you get some rest today? Maybe not sleep but laying down, cosy and comfortable maybe with some background noise to help quieten your mind. When I'm in that place I find lying in bed, with the room dark and the radio playing quietly really helps. I might not sleep but I do rest.

 

[sedna]

Hi Eve, I'm sorry your really suffering right now. It is probably fair to say that you cant see a way to live in a worthwhile way at the moment, which is not the same thing as wanting to die.

I cant even say how many months or years at a time I felt that way also, probably most of us here have. There's more for you to do here, and you have no way of knowing what you have to offer others in the future. It's really up to the people you would encounter to decide what good things you bring to their lives, its not fair to deprive them of it by deciding you have nothing of value here on their behalf.

Probably medication that's new would be some kind of peace of mind while you look for the right therapist. Remember that they dont have to know everything all at once. It might be a good idea just to work on what you need to do to feel better and get through day to day life where you are.

Its 4 am where I am, I'm scared to death about a lot and I'm starting to feel like an ass for constantly dragging my old chrome book around, giving huge wordy opinions on everything to strangers. I got a 5k bill from the dentist, my youngest son got kicked out of high school and I haven't found him a new one, I have in person group therapy and a new job next week. I do nothing but eat oreos and bug people on this forum.

Its a little different than sleeping in my car next to a field of cows...but not that much, Eve.

Take care of yourself and see if you can get some help where you are. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you.

I'm not at home and it's too hot to sleep in my car during the day. Trying to find a spare couch somewhere.

My doc put me on a new med last month but my hair started falling out in clumps. I can call him on Monday to see if he will start me on something new. I have not much luck with meds but I hope something will help.

Trying to take in all that has been said. Thank you.

 

[ladee]

I personally would not be ok if you were no longer on this earth... you already know how I feel about you. And I personally also am glad you are a 'coward' as you put it, because it gives things a chance to change.. and they change... slowly, but it happens... Good luck with finding a new T.. and hopefully a med can be found that helps...
you did reach out, you did get many positive replies... and we do care... so rest, and know that you really got what you needed here with all the caring replies... hugs to you Eve !!

 

[Tinyflame]

Eve :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Riot]

@EveHarrington, I didn't realize you were still looking for a therapist. I know that can be one of the hardest parts, though. It took me years to literally walk across the street and go to one. I really do feel like that was one of the harder parts, you know? I agree with what was said above, too, in that whomever you see doesn't have to know everything all at once. For what it might be worth, that might be good to keep in mind. :hug:

 

[Snowflake]

@EveHarrington.....I am thinking of you! I hear you!!!! And I do relate to how you feel!!! It's so difficult to reach out asking for help-especially knowing no one could probably give you what you need, nor do they truly understand the depths of the pain. Sometimes reaching out is harder than just being alone with it. I mean who do you reach out to that would truly get it???

When I want to die-i imagine everything-how I would want to do it. Etc .But I am a chicken and cannot follow through with anything. But I play it out as if I did have courage and imagine being rescued by someone who cares and who will hold me and take care of me till I am strong. It kind of helps. It's my imaginary fantasy and dream.

I think if anyone of us could we would be with you right now.....I know I would. All I can say is breathe-journal your thoughts and feelings-write it here -someone is always here to listen. Sleep-it helps-so you don't feel the pain as much. I have no magical words for you-because I want to die too-but I did want you to know I hear you....

 

[Tinyflame]

(((((((( @Snowflake )))))) to you too. :hug: