Different patterns and why we have a hard time changing our roles

[Mach123]

Part time lovers, the best kind. People crave intimacy though, and sense s deeper connection than sex. You can't buy it.

 

[somerandomguy]

Relationships are difficult for everyone. From my own experience and from what I can tell from folks on these message boards, relationships are even more difficult for people like us.

I've said a lot that if I had known more about myself and what PTSD really was, that I would never have gotten back into a relationship. I still believe that. I am constantly putting my family through a lot of shit that I don't really think I'm making up for in other ways. But being single was driving me insane, and I thought the "married-with-kids" thing would keep me grounded. And it did - just not in any of the ways that are helpful.

 

[Cypress]

But being single was driving me insane, and I thought the "married-with-kids" thing would keep me grounded. And it did - just not in any of the ways that are helpful.

This has been my experience. Couldn't manage being single or married. Both made me more symptomatic but in different ways.

Right now I am in I don't need a relationship mode. During both of my marriages I vacillated between codependent, how do I please you and you do your thing, I'll do mine. I have no idea trusting, intimate relationship looks like.

I hope that one day I will have a relationship with real intimacy both emotional and sexual but the clock keeps ticking and I wonder if I'll ever get there.

 

[Ronin]

Nyup, not my patterns. In the present, or past.

Some of them I dont even relate to, theoretically. Because responsible for them? I feel always.
If I did not feel that, we would not be in a relationship.

 

[candor]

Oh thank you Ronin cause this mention of responsibility has cleared things up for me. I’ ve been told repeatedly by others “You are not responsible for so and so”. “Stop offering help. It makes others feel obligated”.....So slowly, I became that person that didn’t do everything for a friend and really lowered the bar on my expectations. Mind you I live in a place where independence is demanded and expected. It also seems to be even more common with the 20-30 year olds. “ No don’t cook for me” or “ I can get there myself”. And very few people see anyone on a daily basis unless married or a collegue. So feeling responsible could easily be misread as being controlling in this culture.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Ronin , it does make sense to me also, in terms of helping me to understand the overlap too with loyalty and commitment. Though I wouldn't necessarily go so far as to offer help (depends on the relationship, and/ or my fears, and our interaction), more likely pull for them from the shadows (if that makes sense). But a better relationship, well yes with safety I can be more open, or not fear my safety, or be more myself. The better the relationship the less I have to hide/ not be myself.

 

[grit]

No problem but to challenge you a bit

Um, I’m squarely in the “I can’t be in a relationship right now” mentality.

Certainly I think I’ll be ‘stuck’ there for many years.

But, I don’t see why that’s a problem I need to work on changing. Because...I don’t want to be in a relationship right now...:confused:

It seems to me that you are in relationships at minimum with your therapist and to minimize that may be an interesting thing for exploring. However, if you view relationship as only when it is intimate involving sex then that is really limiting.

 

[Sideways]

However, if you view relationship as only when it is intimate involving sex then that is really limiting.

What’s limiting here is trying to squeeze every conceivable type of relationship into 4 types. Ain’t gonna work.

Like others who have responded to this thread, I interpreted the OP’s question to relate to intimate relationships specifically. The 4 types of relationships the OP has described don’t make sense otherwise.

I don’t think I have any personal issue with being able to differentiate between an intimate romantic relationship (which I don’t want) and the type of “relationship” I have with my T (which is a professional “relationship” that I pay for).

So, I don’t get what the point of your challenge is (or the OP’s). Seems to be assuming I have issues, simply because I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship. When actually that’s working out for me just fine right now.

There isn’t something wrong with me simply because I’m fine being single atm. And if there is something wrong with being single? It’s not making my Top 5 list of things I need to work on to improve my life.

 

[grit]

I guess not my place to challenge you. Wish I could take the comment back.

 

[Sideways]

@grit - all good. The premise of the thread, challenging us to reconsider our approach to relationships, is problematic. It comes from a cultural bias, and underlying assumptions about why people approach relationships the way that they do, and that we all want the same thing.

I think that’s borne out by the type of responses that thr thread has generated. The challenge, from where I’m sitting, seems to be more for the OP, rather than others.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Relationships are difficult for everyone. From my own experience and from what I can tell from folks on these message boards, relationships are even more difficult for people like us.

I've said a lot that if I had known more about myself and what PTSD really was, that I would never have gotten back into a relationship. I still believe that. I am constantly putting my family through a lot of shit that I don't really think I'm making up for in other ways. But being single was driving me insane, and I thought the "married-with-kids" thing would keep me grounded. And it did - just not in any of the ways that are helpful.

Made that same mistake......no more permanent hook-ups for me.

 

[candor]

@Sideways: I feel triggered and offended by your last post. Your response to grit was not ok either. Your assumptions regarding the premise of my thread are wrong unless you can otherwise prove that you know my intensions better than I do. For someone who is so comfortable in their position on relationships, you certainly appear defensive and full of charge for what seemed to me like a small challenge coming from grit. It was repeated in several posts by me and several posters that choosing to stay single is ok.My best friend is asexual and I dare call our relationship intimate cause he knows me better than I know myself, He had some strange notions back in the 70’s when we met that he was broken cause he couldn’t do romance. I supported him in realizing that it was just as much a personal matter of accepting who he is. In addition, he also happens to be the happiest man I ever met. My friend is quite capable of having sex he simply doesnt want or like it much. My original intension in no way implies tha things you write. If you get so charged by so little well perhaps that is between you and your T. You have been a long term member and I do not need to tell you how to be nice. You are not the consensual voice of this forum.

The four examples I gave cannot possibly begin to cover the gazillion ways we approach relationships. They are examples of things we may or may not have thought and will resonate with some and not with others. They are anything but culturally biased. These are all human thoughts. The way we approach relationships changes all the time for all of us. Ex. My best friend 5 years into knowing him wanted to hold hands and peck kiss goodbye. I was horrified. “No no why would you want todo that... “ It was somthing he needed. Not romance, not responsibility he explained...just this. “Alright then”. It didnt change a thing between us.

What we all want is to have our needs met. We want to be allowed to talk about what we need. By avoiding relationships, we avoid having to negotiate those needs. And like with anything else the less we practice at something the worse we get. With those I care about, I challenge them to give and to take. I take them out of their comfort zone and expect them to do the same. And when I find myself going no no no...I often learn something about me and go huh.