Difficulty Coming To Terms With How Bad My Mental Health Issues Are

[Hashi]

I'm feeling shocked by how bad my anxiety has been over the last couple of weeks. It's been truly awful, although thankfully it has eased a little since yesterday.

I'm having to adjust the way I think of myself. I'm in therapy, so I'm dealing with things, but the more I do the more I see how many issues I have to deal with and how deep they go. It seems endless.

It's hard to take in how severe some of my mental health issues are. I know that I need awareness and acceptance of that in order to address them, but I still feel very resistant to thinking of myself in that way.

I think I'm also frightened that maybe I can't address things, won't ever be better.

Does anyone else feel like this? Can anyone offer any hope, because I'd really appreciate it if so.

 

[safenow]

Can anyone offer any hope,

I hope I can help in this area, Hashi.

Once you first start to face what your issues really are, it seems overwhelming. But within a short period of time, you will begin to find ways to help them heal, and as that happens they will become a lot less traumatic for you.

For most of us, when we first begin this journey of healing, we have not accepted what was reality in our past. It is scary to face the real world and things that happened to us yet not to everyone else. It makes us feel "different" or "worse" and that isn't truth, but we tend to think it anyway.

You will be able to do this. Just don't try to do it all at once. When it comes to eating an elephant, take only one bite at a time and soon you'll have eaten the entire thing. But when you tackle the entire elephant at one time, it seems impossible to eat. You will get better one step at a time.

Gentle hugs if you'll allow them.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Hashi,

I think that terrible anxiety is totally normal in context of what you are presently working on in therapy. In some ways not experiencing it would be abnormal! Doing trauma work at that level also makes everything intensify I imagine. Hopefully though this will not last and you are doing this to get to a better place than you were in before you started this last bout of work. This state of anxiety is not a sign of who you are is merely a manifestation of your trauma!

But yes, I do relate a lot to some of what you said. I have felt like this about various things to do with mental health issues over the years and stilldeal with it. I have these moments of horror and rejection of the reality and I don't want it to be true.

But Safenow is right and usually it helps take steps forward whenever I have faced something new. And the way I have dealt with it when I am dealing with it well is to focus on it as an opportunity to make my life better in some way. In other words seeing something new doesn't mean I have just become more broken and is rather an opportunity to heal another aspect of my functioning. And if I just concentrate on the progress that happens in small steps it really helps me through things. I don't let myself do the looking-for-the-end and rather view everything as a continual journey through life for all of us and part of that is continuous growth. Looking way forward does not work for me and I don't do it.

And when I feel there is no hope I try to remind myself that I have felt that before and yet have made progress. It's astounding how much one can acheive by just taking one step after the other. Sometimes when overwhelmed it is hard to see previous progress.

But yes I have big problems owning certain things. I hate it. Don't want that to be me.

Be gentle and patient with yourself at present as you are likely looking at this through the eyes of what you are working on.

 

[intothelight]

I know that I need awareness and acceptance of that in order to address them, but I still feel very resistant to thinking of myself in that way.

Hi Hashi,

Awareness of what the issues are we need to work on, is necessary in order to know what to work on. Acceptance of ourselves, and where we are at, is important so a person doesn't berate or belittle themselves. I don't ever think of myself in terms of "issues", as they are not who I am, but are areas for improvement.

Hashi, if I looked at everything I could possibly find wrong with myself, or that doesn't fit the worlds definition of "normal", then I would be overwhelmed. Pick the issues that you feel are the most limiting in your life and look at them as challenges or areas for improvement. It really is a journey that is made one step at a time.

 

[maddog]

Yes Hashi, I do understand, and feel so much of what you describe at the moment as well. I think a large contributor to my current very severe depression is a temporary (I hope) loss of the battle for acceptance. I don't want this to be me. I don't want these "issues" to define me, or even to be part of me, and I haven't yet worked out how to let them be part of me without allowing them to define me.

Sometimes I feel almost disbelief, and horror, to look inwards at myself and to realise this is who Iam and what I feel I have become. Just the phrase "mental illness" chills me to the core. Interestingly, I have made some contextual progress towards acceptance, in that I can note some progress towards feeling ok about myself and my diagnoses when in any sort of therapeutic or mental health setting... but the moment I step out into what I consider to be the "normal world", I find myself consumed with the same longing for denial, the same disbelief, the same hopelessness...

I'm sorry this post offers little if any help or hope. I am seeking it as much as you are, anywhere I can find it. Others give many words of wisdom though, which I know we must hold onto until somehow they just stop being words and become beliefs as strong as the negative ones.

Thinking of you.

Maddog

 

[Tanishq]

Um, Hashi. I hope I am not posting off topic answer to your question.

I have seen you posting answers to very tough threads here on this forums. You have given me hope we can plan a way to cope with difficulties we are given.

Here I am sending bright hopes to you, that you will make it. :tup:

the more I do the more I see how many issues I have to deal with and how deep they go. It seems endless.

I want to tell something on this. I do find many things as I go through threads on this forums. I do find something new and helpful things. To me it doesn't seem endless. But it looks/feels if I overcome this all, I will change my whole life and will be put in best condition I can ever have in my life.

 

[Pencil]

so I'm dealing with things, but the more I do the more I see how many issues I have to deal with and how deep they go. It seems endless.

According to the literature on trauma treatment, you're in very good company. This is normal, it happens, and it feels overwhelming. In a way, there is 'nothing to worry about'. It means you're normal, in a way :D - I'm not being insensitive - it's just the way it keeps coming out after several attempts to express myself and I hope you read it in the spirit it was written.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm having to adjust the way I think of myself. I'm in therapy, so I'm dealing with things, but the more I do the more I see how many issues I have to deal with and how deep they go. It seems endless.

Been feeling that a lot myself lately too. I posted in another thread that I felt "under a mountain". But I think it was way too long and no one responded. LOL

I keep trying to tell myself this should be expected, but that doesn't make the mountain any smaller, yet.

 

[Hashi]

It means you're normal, in a way

Well, that would be a first!

Here I am sending bright hopes to you, that you will make it.

Love it! Thank you for your kind words. I needed them.

I don't want this to be me. I don't want these "issues" to define me, or even to be part of me, and I haven't yet worked out how to let them be part of me without allowing them to define me.

I think part of my struggle is how to accept it without feeling defined by it, or doomed by it.

Pick the issues that you feel are the most limiting in your life and look at them as challenges or areas for improvement. It really is a journey that is made one step at a time.

Interesting... when I first read this I felt it's impossible to pick any out because they're all so inter-related. This is an aspect that feels overwhelming. I can't work on anxiety without working on trauma, and I can't work on depression without working on anxiety, and... Although I admit that I wanted to reject what you said, I can see that you're right and that I need to be more able to keep things contained. Hmmm, thinking.... thank you.

In other words seeing something new doesn't mean I have just become more broken and is rather an opportunity to heal another aspect of my functioning.

That is helpful, thank you. I have been feeling really broken, both that my ability to function seems severely damaged and also feeling broken in the present, having to face it.

For most of us, when we first begin this journey of healing, we have not accepted what was reality in our past. It is scary to face the real world and things that happened to us yet not to everyone else.

Yes, reality is a very difficult struggle for me at the moment. I'm realising how much I've been living my whole life in a fog, and that realisation itself is quite shocking to me. Then I want to go back to the fog to avoid having to think about it :confused: but I no longer can, anyway.

Thank you all so much. I've been reading your replies and have been comforted by them, but was unable to respond before.

Unbelievably, after I posted this I was shamed by the little boy next door who was watching me compulsively checking the front door lock when I was leaving the house (I have obsessive compulsive disorder) and felt inspired to mock me for it. I know he's just a kid, but still... I felt shaken and humiliated by it, but in fact I did some really good self-soothing afterwards and that's not something I could have managed as little as six months ago. So, in an unexpected way, it felt like progress.

I'm really trying acceptance of this and everything else, too. It's hard but I'm trying to remind myself that it's like this at the moment for a reason, and it won't always be. What people have said here has helped me a lot. I appreciate it.

 

[Hashi]

I keep trying to tell myself this should be expected, but that doesn't make the mountain any smaller, yet.

No, my mountain isn't any smaller yet, either, but I hope it can become more bearable in the meantime.

Wow, I'm sorry you didn't get responses. I didn't see your thread, I've been here less lately, but I'm sure I would have related to it if I had. Sorry you feel the same way.

 

[p-no]

I'm having to adjust the way I think of myself. I'm in therapy, so I'm dealing with things, but the more I do the more I see how many issues I have to deal with and how deep they go. It seems endless.

It's hard to take in how severe some of my mental health issues are. I know that I need awareness and acceptance of that in order to address them, but I still feel very resistant to thinking of myself in that way.

These could have been my words. So, "yes", to your first question.

I think part of my struggle is how to accept it without feeling defined by it, or doomed by it.

I am currently experiencing (very recently and right in the process) that the not feeling defined by it and (not or) doomed by it comes after acceptance or through acceptance, not before. Plus, with a lot of compassion, felt compassion, for yourself.

I hope this helps, Hashi. Since it's so new to me, it's difficult to find the words.

You have given me a lot in your posts around the forums. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hashi, I have come to believe that acceptance of what is helps me so much and is proof of my healing. I think you are on to something with striving for acceptance.

I have had to come to terms with so much in my life and I have healed and overcome so much. I still have days not very often when I suffer flashbacks and the following day I always feel better. I still have symptoms of ptsd but it does not define me anymore.

I have come to accept that I am simply a human being that has experienced so much bad, but the quality of my life has improved tremendously.

I think you are normal for what you have endured and suffered and suffer now in your process. I am very proud of you for making this thread and being willing to learn and grow through it.

You are getting better all of the time. It is funny how we heal and it takes along time and many experiences to give us the wisdom to make better choices and improve the quality of our lives.

I am sorry you are in so much pain right now and your anxiety has exaserbated. I hate and loathe anxiety and have my days when I still struggle with it. I want it out of my life forever. I hope the day will come when I do not have any more anxiety, but I am in crises right now and figure I am simply overwhelmned by it all.

But I have good days and I remember a time when I did not have any good days at all. I never want to go back to where I was at the beginning. I am still learning and growing and I do not think that will ever end.

I wish you well on your journey of your healing process and hope that you will cut yourself some slack and be patient with where you are at now. It will not always be this way for you.

You are not as bad as you think you are and you are better than you think you are. Take good care and be well.