Difficulty Coming To Terms With How Bad My Mental Health Issues Are

[Hashi]

Thank you so much, prime-no and gizmo.

Acceptance does seem to be key. I'm feeling all out of acceptance at the moment, but I know I need to keep working on it. And then all I think is: more work... and I suppose that's also something that needs acceptance.

Compassion and cutting myself some slack... what a challenge. I have just had a miserable journalling session failing to do just that. It has been helpful, and timely, to log on and read what you wrote.

I'm finding this so hard, and I'm really grateful for your encouraging words. I wish much healing for you both, too.

 

[Abstract]

Hashi,

From what you have described before I think the OCD behaviours are so logical and understandable when it comes to dealing with the trauma. And I think finding compassion for ourselves is so hard when all that is opened up.

I know for me that it feels very compulsive to be cruel and awful to myself when I am in that space.

The other thing that has helped me is thinking that that bad state of mind has always been there dormant even when I have not been aware of it. That it was still affecting my peace of mind and judgements and life. But that I wasn't aware of it and therefore couldn't control it. And that by bringing it up to the surface it therefore gives me the opportunity to deal with all the awfulness of it. That it feels like a total change, disintegration and deterioration but that really it was always there and at least I have the possibility to work on it when it is "up".

From what you have alluded to cruelty wise I suspect that I may do something similar ish. And I am so very very sorry.

Yes, reality is a very difficult struggle for me at the moment. I'm realising how much I've been living my whole life in a fog, and that realisation itself is quite shocking to me. Then I want to go back to the fog to avoid having to think about it but I no longer can,

I could easily have written that myself. It is beyond astounding to me and I relate very much. For you I can see that it is a sign of the cleverness of your mind. That it protected you in that way.

for a reason, and it won't always be.

And this is the truth. I can't remember that saying but it is something along the lines of needing to go through to get to the otherside. There isn't a way around it - we have to go through - but you can get to the other side.

Sending you lots of support as I can hear that you are in a very painful place and having to deal with new realisations on top of that.

 

[p-no]

Thank you, Hashi.

I just had to come back here. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow which I need a list of symptoms for as well as my trauma list. I have been writing out the symptoms list for the last two hours and I thought of the title of your thread here.

Although I have come to acceptance of my PTSD, my symptoms being interwoven with all the other things that make me the person I am, and although I can see how all these symptoms have helped me survive and how it is simply amazing how I have come this far and mostly (subjectively) feeling good and good to be alive, I am deeply saddened at what it is looked at from the outside. I am getting a better understanding what it may be like for supporters, speaking about any type of supporters, i.e. partners, doctors, therapists, etc. as they are all just people and it must be saddening for them as well.

Well, it's a tough road but sincerely, Hashi, accepting it and loving yourself with all of it is a very soothing experience. I find a lot of good in me, also some of which I have found through the traumas. I feel I deserve to be all I am today and still have my place here and enjoy what I can. And it's okay to feel sad and express that sadness about all that was and is. What we've lost due to our traumas is a hell of a lot.

Personally, for me, I think that it is endless in the sense that this is me and I have come to embrace it all and be the kindest to myself that I can possibly be.

I saw your thread about the inner child and I have been wanting to post but have not been able to (yet). All I can tell you, Hashi, is that it was my finding of my inner child that has enabled me to come this far, to have my thoughts and feelings connect and enable me to embrace me and all there is that makes me me because my trauma of severe neglect, what I struggle with most, was done to that child. My therapist (the same back then as is again now) managed to show my inner child to me, to find her there in the room with me and her. I'm doing all this for her because after all that pain she deserves someone who will hold her when she's scared and sing to her when she can't sleep and spend time with her when she feels lonely and comfort her when she feels she's done with it all...

Currently writing of all of that (my inner child and this change I have been going through lately with regard to accepting me) is a very emotional thing and I have to be careful of how much I put myself (and my inner child) through it. But I really do want to reply in your thread because it has helped me so much to find my inner child and I wish the same for you.

 

[Hashi]

Thank you, p-no.

Your words are very kind, and I need them at the moment particularly. I'm facing the fact that I still haven't been able to go back to work and I'm wondering when and how I can do that. I have no other means of support and am soon to finish the last of my savings.

I feel like I've got no choice now but to try to push everything back down and deal with practical things. I have to stop "accepting" or have nowhere to live, because at the moment acceptance is incapacitating. I can't afford to have such bad anxiety, or I won't be able to leave the house to work. I don't have the time I need to work through things any more. I'm just hoping I can fake/force my way back to functioning again.

Some sort of child work is going to be inevitable in the future, but out of the question right now. It's far too destabilising. I can understand when you say it's a very emotional thing for you. The thread about that is very helpful, and I've got much more from that than from anything else I've ever heard or read about it. I'm glad finding your inner child has helped you so much. It sounds like you have been working really well on acceptance too.

I hope your doctor's appointment goes OK. I would find that very difficult and I think it would make me feel very sad too.

Take good care of yourself.