difficulty with intimacy in marriage

[loui50]

I don't know if this is the right place for this post as it is about my relationship and about Therapy. Sorry if it needs to be moved.

Does anyone else have intimacy trouble with their spouse? I suspect I was molested as a very young child. I have no concrete memories but I do have flashbacks of abuse. I've been married for 11 years and with my husband for 14 years. Many Many years ago we stopped having sex. Occasionally we do have sex, but I'm talking every 6 to 9 months. Once we even went over a year without. We love each other very much and we have agreed to work on this. I'm working with my Therapist and he has his own.

My Therapist asked me today what I AM comfortable with, and at what point intimacy becomes uncomfortable. I couldn't answer her in session and told her that was a really difficult question to answer. She said I could email her the answer or think about it and talk about it next week. It's such a personal topic to discuss with someone, ya know? so I think I have the answer to her question and I'm still embarrassed to talk about it. I thought I'd post here and see if anyone else has any similar experience. Basically, I'm comfortable with cuddling and anything beyond that gets really uncomfortable. I go physically numb when he touches me in a sexual manner. not my whole body, but the places that matter, lol. Like I can't feel my breasts or my groin area at all. Is this dissociation of some type? or something else? has anyone else experienced this? If so, have you been able to get passed it? i know my body works, no, I'm not elaborating there. This only happens when it is my husband touching me, not when I'm alone, if you get my drift. It hasn't always been this way. I enjoyed sex in the beginning of our relationship. This started after I had my first flashback of abuse.

I don't really know how to explain this to my Therapist and be comfortable looking her in the eyes again. But I really just want to enjoy sex with my husband! Is it possible to get over all this and move on. Even not knowing exactly what did happen?

 

[somerandomguy]

Yes, it IS possible to get over this. Even just a few months (weeks?) ago I wouldn't have said that, but it IS possible. That doesn't mean it's not going to be very, very difficult. It's been the absolute hardest thing I've had to work on, and I'm not even close to finishing all the processing I need to do. But I am now in a place where I can be sexually intimate with my wife, and we stopped having sex due to my trauma issues for about five entire years.

Yes, dissociation during sex is very normal for people like us and can prevent any sexual feelings from getting through to our brains. I have to feel very safe during sex, and that means continually reminding myself that my wife is not my abuser. That was very, very difficult when I first started to do it, because I had to stop and consciously remind myself, which affected my flow. Now I feel like I can do it on a more subconscious level.

One thing I still do which may not be ideal is to use fantasy during sex. I am able to be in the present moment about half the time, I think, and then the rest of the time I am in my head in a fantasy. My therapist has assured me that this is OK for now because it helps me to continue until I am present again. I have other supports that help me. You don't necessarily have to share them with your husband. I have some that my wife knows about, like cannabis and Viagra, and others that she doesn't, like the fantasizing.

It's great that you are BOTH working on it. That will help you both a lot, I think. If things don't go right, I get frustrated very easily. If you're able to communicate well with your husband, it will make things a lot easier.

As far as your therapist goes, she WANTS to help you! If there's any way that you can talk about this with her, you should. (Maybe print your post out and give it to her?) When I tried to deal with this problem on my own, well, I couldn't do it. It wasn't until I started being very truthful with my therapist that I was able to start getting better.

Things won't get better right away, and there will be plenty of missteps and regressions along the way. But just by telling us that you want to work on this - and that's INCREDIBLY brave - you're starting the process. You can do it - and it is VERY worth doing.

 

[loui50]

Thank you @somerandomguy for your response. I really want to tell my T. I'm just embarrassed. I have a week to come to terms with this and tell her. I think it would be more comfortable emailing her than outright telling her. She assured me it was ok to email her and even said I'll be looking for your email as I was leaving. I've emailed her in the past when something was too difficult to say.

Is going physically numb dissociation?

I feel in my head like I'm there, but my body has checked out. It's a really weird feeling and I HATE it. I've told my husband about it and he was wondering if it was my meds. But I think if it was meds, it would happen all the time.

 

[somerandomguy]

I mean, I'm not you, and I don't react like you, and I'm not a therapist by any means, but yes, it sounds like dissociation to me, especially if it doesn't happen all the time. I don't think it would be your meds. But it's certainly worth checking with both your therapist and your pdoc if you can.

And I think emailing your therapist is a great idea. I know it's sometimes much easier for me to write stuff down than to just blurt it out in the moment.

 

[loui50]

Ok, so I've been reading about depersonalization and apparently physical numbness is a symptom.

 

[Still Standing]

I think emailing your therapist is a great idea.

I agree with SRG. Email all that you shred here. It will help avoid initial embarrassment and pave the way for a comversation. Beyond this I cannot help you.

I can say that I related to your post. It has been a very long time that I have been intimate with my hubby. When he touches me, I freeze and go into deep intense panic. It actually hurts to have him touch me. I am so panicked that I am begging him (silently) to stop. If I were able to explode, literally, I would. Instead, I am locked inside myself, screaming, hurting, and repulsed to the max. To him, I am being cold and unresponsive. I am unable to discuss this with him because I do not trust him to understand and he will take it personally and be bitter against me. Yet, he is bitter against me, anyway, over it. As a result, we live as friends and not lovers. I am OK with this, he is not...which is understandable. This is something that is to be addressed in counseling and it scares the beejeebers out of me, thinking about it. Why I react like this is beyond me, as it has only happened after 33 years of marriage. I can only assume it has something to do with my history of child abuse. But, why show itself so far into my adult years is weird? All this to say, you are not the only one having difficulties with sex. I am in your court, sadly.