disappointed in what T said

[mylunareclipse]

My therapist that I have seen for about ~4 months today told me that "nothing I do or say makes her happy or sad" ... I don't know what she meant by that. Nor do I really want to know....
This was my worst fear and wish. To be invisible.
I feel like she just confirmed that. I am invisible...nothing I do or say matters...
Parts of me that had started to have hope were crushed and devastated, but then a part of me was like fine...I guess we are alone as always. No need to go deep on stuff... let's just keep things surfacy from now on in therapy...she doesn't really care, but you know what we can still do "thinking" therapy.
I don't know if this will work or if I should just quit? At the same time I don't feel like starting all over.....

 

[Chris-duck]

Are you sure it wasn't bad phrasing on her part? I get the idea, it sounds like clumsy phrasing to me. Can you ask her to clarify what she meant?

 

[mylunareclipse]

I think it was bad phrasing... I said I didn't know if I make a decision to make her happy or because it's what I wanted....
I guess one of my main issues is my life-long belief that I have no impact on others lives...that what I do or say doesn't matter.
So whatever she meant, just hearing these words hit way too deep...I don't know how to talk about this. It will take a while to trust again. Thanks for your answer!

 

[Movingforward10]

Sounds like it might be a conversation to have with her?
It might help to let her know how you felt so you can work through it?
It's how it made you feel. But not the message she was trying to tell you? Her message could be that she is there for you no matter what, but worded in a way that didn't sit with you and you heard your inner critic instead?

 

[Teamwork]

I’ve heard similar from mine, however he does add that he is responsible for him- So when mine is saying something like that it is in our situation a power thing? Meaning I do not have the power to do anything. Is he moved to sadness or happiness by things we talk about, yes, but they come from within him as a response. He also know how long to stay sad. I’ve talked to him a lot about this as some of what we talk to him about is quite difficult and makes me hesitant to share because I do not want him upset. So for me it is about learning the power of response is not based on what I say or do but based on his allowing himself to feel whatever he feels for whatever reason. He reminds me a lot of what his job is, whenever I get in to caretaker role of him. I’ve picked lint up off the floor because it was bugging me and he Again in the moment I did that reassured that the carpet was his to maintain, I did not need to do that.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you for your responses.
Now that I have calmed down and detached from the situation a bit, I see that the mature and helpful thing would be to talk it out? Either way if I want therapy to work for me I need to have these difficult conversations.
Thank you for supporting me even during my “meltdown”

 

[Movingforward10]

Not a meltdown! Just therapy and the complexity of the therapeutic relationship (it is like no other relationship, which I think makes it harder to work out dynamics and feelings etc).
Good luck with the conversation.
I've found that these types of conversation s go really well with our T's. And your T might already be expecting you to raise it.

 

[osiris]

@mylunareclipse just want to send some support across the waves.
Worth raising with T as others have already said. I’m thinking they were probably trying to reassure you that it’s ok to share anything without worrying how it affects them, but wording it badly.

All strength to you.

 

[rosey]

It sounds to me that she was perhaps trying to reassure you that whatever you say is safe with her. That what you say is not going to send her into an emotional spin either positively or negatively. A way of expressing that she is there to hold your emotions and wont take those emotions on and turn it in to you both having to process emotions in the therapy room.

I think perhaps some better explaining was needed and I would ask her in your next session to clarify it.

 

[somerandomguy]

Many people in therapy don't disclose certain things because they're afraid for their therapist's emotional state - they don't want their therapist to worry too much about them. But it is part of the therapist's job to maintain an even emotional state, and that's what I think your therapist was trying to tell you.

I definitely agree with everyone else here - ask her what she meant and tell her how you felt when she said what she said.

 

[Friday]

1 will get you 50 she was trying to say you aren’t responsible for her emotions.

That can be a terrifying thing to wrap your mind around, if you come from any kind of abuse background... because it’s the last (illusion) of control left for most people. If you can only keep someone happy, if you can only keep them from getting angry? You’re safe. <<< That’s not only not how normal/healthy relationships work, but it doesn’t work in abusive relationships, either. Because you don’t actually have the control over what anyone else feels or does // It’s NOT your fault when someone else gets angry and hurts you. No matter how much someone blames you for their feelings & their actions.

When someone says that you can’t MAKE them feel A-Z… that doesn’t mean they don’t care. It means they aren’t abusive & blameshifting their responsibilities onto your shoulders.

 

[grit]

Out of curiosity, and in addition and in agreement of what everybody else already said, I have a question for you? Do you know your attachment style(s)?

It is possible, again going without knowing much about the whole thing, that your feeling is deeper than a simple disappoint because this is touching a great wound in need of therapeutic intervention/work through. My take is do not minimize your feeling but challenge it more focusing on it (not from the therapist's perspective)but from your own. Why do you feel invisible...where does it come from? What does it mean in real life and in relation with others both receiving feeling of invisible (as with the therapist) and making others to feel invisible, if this ever happened?

You are primed to work through something here.