Discard The Possibility Of Relationships?

[cat-lady]

So here's what I've been trying to decide lately: given that I have limited energy and free time, and it would take a lot of these to get myself to a place where I'm ready for a relationship, is this something I'm going to put time towards?

Here's my situation: I have friendships that I'm content with so I'm not totally alone. When I say discard the possibility of relationships, I mean romantic relationships. I'm 35 and have never been in a romantic relationship. I have a ton of avoidant behaviors that keep me out of relationships due to all sorts of trauma including sexual abuse, rape, stalking, child abuse, attempted murder, and torture. To say the least I'm a little hesitant to get close to people. For me relationships won't just happen when the time is right or when I meet the right guy because I will block the possibility before I even realize what I'm doing. I've put a lot of work into my recovery and made a lot of progress in other areas of my life. My life is pretty well put together except for this part. My group therapist said I should start dating. I don't know. I've been on very few dates in my life and I don't really like them. It doesn't help that I was raped on the last one - about 10 years ago. Things would be a lot simpler if I would just write off this part of my life permanently. Then again, when I get older will I regret that? Is all of this work worth it? Was it worth it for you all in similar situations? Thanks,

 

[Hope69]

thats tough. Dating has retriggerd my PTSD. So I would say, put energy into being well. Whatever that means. If being single is the best way to stay well be single for now. You can always change your mind.
Also perhaps make a list of what you need to feel safe getting close to someone. Perhaps a good fit will present itself in time.
You can also dip your toe in the water. Go on a date, see how you feel. Safe? overwhelmed? Its OK to take all the time you need to feel secure taking that step.
As for regrets. There is no way to know. Closeness brings joy and sorrow. I know people who are happily coupled, unhappily coupled, those who feel it was a great choice, others who wish they never had. So when choosing a right path, know what you are willing to risk and what you are not.

 

[Friday]

If I CANT do something? I generally push myself until I'm able to, and it's a choice; whether I do or do not.

Doesn't mean I don't take my sweet ass time about it ;) Just because I can't do something doesn't mean it's at the top of my priorities list. Doesn't mean I have to do it right now this second. But it makes the list. I've got this wee little thing about choices. As in I Absof*ckinglutely insist upon them. Until it's not that I cannot, but am choosing not.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Life is about choices. Everyone makes them, good or bad. Honestly if you're not comfortable with dating, then don't. Will you regret it later on? Maybe, but you're never to old to try! I would suggest still working on your trauma, have really good boundaries, make sure that you are safe and comfortable with yourself, and have male friendships first before you make the jump again.

 

[Shortie]

Put time into being well like others have said.

If down the line you want a relationship then fair enough but if not then dont.

I think socially many think we need relationships but we dont.

Being happy is all that matters xx

 

[aut555]

Put time into being well like others have said.

If down the line you want a relationship then fair en...

I agree with this. Your strength comes from within. If your well-being requires this, then you are headed there. If you still feel dating is a stressor, then maybe being around someone in a volunteer situation instead of a dating scenario, or a book club, or type of activity to remind you less that it's a date thing where you could meet someone but feel safe. That has always been my fear, and l did suffer a date rape. You never forget, it stays in your mind until the very end. I feel you.