Sexual Assault Discussing Childhood Sexual Abuse With My Pastor

[EveHarrington]

I'm a bit livid right now but will try to be coherent.

I do not believe this is legal.

It has no bearing on you being safe around children.

What counts greater is everything else you have done in your life that shows you haven't ever hurt a child.

The sick/sad assumption is that sexual abuse makes you unsafe around children.

If someone felt they had a right to dig into my life like that------I would no longer have contact with them.

I have a lot more I want to say as a CSA survivor myself but will bow out now.

If this happened to me, I'd feel victimized all over again.

Oh but she is not a therapist and on that basis alone I wouldn't talk to her as she has no right whatsoever to possibly spurn on flashbacks and throw you into the depths of symptomatic PTSD.

But I still fall back on the legality of it all.

No one has a right to know the details of how I was victimized or even ask me questions about it.

Privacy is a basic right and what happened to me has no bearing on my character or relevancy in a background check.

 

[Justmehere]

@sonicwhite - The purpose of that first passage was to point out that all have sinned. The rich are no better than the poor.

I respect that you are so passionate about the Bible @sonicwhite - I'm simply not sure how that passage or the apocalypse or the arc that Noah built applies to this situation.

Sheila, I think you have a great attitude about this. I would suggest making a plan to see your therapist not too long after meeting with the pastor, to talk through anything that comes up. I hope that this pastor is really good about it all and shows a respect for the hard work you've done to get through everything that you've been through.

@EveHarrington - Asking about childhood sexual abuse is apparently quite common with some churches. I just found this article that discusses a church application kit that was published and is used by a number of churches: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articl...kers-were-you-sexually-abused-as-a-child.html

One reason why people justify asking this question is that there are insurance companies who misunderstood a Supreme Court in Alaska ruling to mean a church was liable and at fault for not asking an applicant if they were a victim of CSA. The problem is that this is not actually a correct understanding of the ruling, which points out that the church didn't even do a background check. It's also not good science. But this question is still on applications because the insurance industry and some church denominations hasn't caught up yet. The author of the article believes this question appears to be legal. Churches are not bound by all the same non-discrimination rules as non-religious organizations.

It is likely that this question originally came from a place where church is basically trying to not get sued.

I have a hard time with the assumption that victims are more likely to perpetrate. The data simply doesn't support that conclusion.

 

[sonicwhite]

Oh the arc I was just telling what the Lord impressed me to say.


What I'm saying is the Pastor has no right to see if she is up to the task.
She is judging on the basis of her past trauma. That's why I brought up the scripture. Do not judge.

 

[EveHarrington]

@Justmehere

I think it's something that will change when challenges it in court. I hope someone will do just that.

At least I know it's a church thing. I'd never get a job in a religious institution.

I will ask at my church if they ask, too.

I half way don't want to know the answer. If my church does that, I wouldn't be able to be part of an institution which does that. It's just so wrong on so many levels. I can't even begin-----

 

[Justmehere]

@EveHarrington - I already know that at my church they don't ask. It appears it's only a few that use this old school application or they are pressured by insurance companies. If they do ask at your church, I do hope you use it as an opportunity to enlighten them.

@sonicwhite - I get it now, thanks for explaining!

CSA victims truly don't have anything to be ashamed of at all.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'll pull for you @SheilaKathy , & I'll Remember tomorrow @2 : oo pm EST. :hug: Xox

 

[RussH]

James 2:1-13.

I will PM you about this so we do not take the thread off topic.

 

[scout86]

Good article @Justmehere. I think it would be great if the church involved in this situation had the chance to read and consider it.

 

[Changing4Best]

@KeepingTime yes, I have thought about what questions she might ask me and thought of simple answers to that which she might ask me. I will refuse to get into any detail, that I have already decided. Also, I was quite young when it happened. Thankfully, my parents discovered it when I was about 6 and put a stop to it (it was my father's father, who we later all disowned when my grandmother died). I will focus upon the fact that I have had therapy for most of my adult life of one kind or another. I will focus on the fact that I have been healed by these therapies and also this forum. I will focus on the fact that I have become a Supporter toward a lot of our members here on this forum at this point, after years of healing here earlier on.

 

[Changing4Best]

Okay, I had my meeting with my Pastor. It went well somewhat, but not totally. She has not agreed to have me work with the children yet, she says she wants to pray about it. We also prayed together and I ended the prayer with, "Father, may Your will be done in this matter," and I then said the prayer was, "in Jesus's Name."

No details of the actual abuse were discussed. Instead, when I told her about writing my Trauma Diary here, she wanted to know how that affected me. I told her that it was a great release and that I got a lot of relief by doing it. I also told her that I have been in therapy for over 25 years. She was happy for me about all of that. She was also happy that I have written a letter to my abuser, forgiving him for what he did to me. I wrote it to him after he had died, so I wrote it to him as if he were in Heaven and as if God had forgiven him for what he had done to me. She said that was the right thing to do and was impressed with the fact that I had done that.

We also had a discussion about disabilities and mental health. I happen to be reading a book called "THE CHURCH AND PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES: AWARENESS, ACCESSIBILITY, AND ADVOCACY" by Peggy A. Johnson. It is published by the Women's branch of our international church, so she took my telling her about the things it said as very important and she thanked me for bringing up the subject. We have one member, who is a friend of mine, who is in a wheelchair. So we discussed that too, and I told her that she needs to ask him what he needs from the church, because the book says that is what we should do for disabled people. (Including those with mental health issues). I pointed out that the book even goes into the issue of a Pastor having mental illness. It also mentions PTSD as one of the mental illnesses to be aware of and caring about.

The meeting ended with things up in the air, but she said it has nothing to do with my sexual abuse or my mental illness (I am Bipolar as well as PTSD, and she has attended to me in a mental hospital before, so she knows all this). She said that she could not put her finger on it, except that she thought my doing VBS might be jumping in over my head since I have had no children and have very little experience with kids. I do have a growing relationship with one child in our church, however, as he is the son of my Power Of Attorney. They visit me every other Sunday afternoon, so she knows I am good in one-on-one relationships and she feels that is my strong point. She is just not sure how I would be with a room full of 50 kids. She is concerned for me, that I might not be able to handle that, that it might be too overwhelming for me. I told her I didn't think it would be, but she is still unsure, so she wants to pray about it further. So that is how it stands....

 

[Justmehere]

A room with 50 other kids can be a lot for anyone, especially without a lot of experience with kids. It would have been nicer if she could have been more specific about her hesitancy though.

Overall, I think you handled it very well. I have read that same book and a handful of others on how churches can better include those with disabilities - both visible and invisible. I love how you handled encouraging her to talk directly to the one in the wheelchair.

Overall, you did a great job handling a tough situation well!

 

[LindaClaire]

In order to be a volunteer for our church's VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL I have to discuss my SCA with my...

Hi. This is my first post. I don't even do Facebook. I understand how hard it is to talk about this stuff and when it is in relation to being 'cleared' for a job, I can only imagine the stress you feel. My only concern is if you may run the risk of being triggered by their comments or questions. Unfortunately I have found that many persons who don't know better will unwittingly de-validate or minimize my traumatic experiences. I suggest you ask yourself if your wounds are healed enough to withstand a tough conversation and at minimum plan a time of relaxation after to debrief yourself. You might consider confiding in one person that you suffered abuse as a child and might need their love and support after your mtg with the church. Usually I stay calmer just knowing that I have a friend who can be of support to me after. They don't need to know any details. All they need to know is you may need a friend. I assume you feel comfortable asking for prayer. Please know I too will be praying.