ED Disordered eating

[ninja]

It is really not cool. I have struggled today and yesterday. I haven't gotten enough sleep and know there is a direct correlation for me between not getting enough sleep and eating more. I'm eating because I'm trying to keep my energy up. It really really sucks.
I am trying to remember to not beat myself up. This is a process. It takes time. And we learn what we can from rougher days and start again tomorrow. It is really hard work. We are doing it for ourselves. To believe in our right to have a life free of things we want to be free of. All of these things we are learning about ourselves are timeless. We get to decide what ultimately we want to do with what we have learned, after the crux of the healing has happened. Maybe we give back in a direct form, or maybe it is just how we will interact with the world and others, with the experience of healing from what felt like impossible circumstances, which will touch someone in some facet and create a ripple effect. Either way, this work you are doing is incredible. I hope you can see a little bit of this.

It really is not at all cool to do, but I believe firmly we will reach a point where we can decide to leave behind the food stuff.

 

[ms spock]

So I put the maltesers into the freezer, and all I did when I was out at a social situation was think about how shortly I could go home and seek oblivion. I was obsessed with those Maltesers. And I ate them semi secretly I didn't want to share them with my partner. I just binged despite the medication of Endep, the alloted valium, and the one pathetic sleeping tablet kicking in. I just wanted to numb it all. And all I can think of doing when I was at the social event. I tried to speak up and the guy spoke over me, and didn't really respond but then he did. It is so confusing.

When I am not in a food coma, I feel so f*ckING BAD!

Complex trauma, flashbacks, PTSD, reactive attachment disorder are all f*cking shiteful! I feel really grumpy and angry about it.

 

[ms spock]

I JUST WANT TO BECOME INVISIBLE, DISAPPEAR AND NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN!

 

[ms spock]

So I finished the Maltesers this morning, which I didn't really like, so not adequate comfort food. But I did decide to ditch the Roses chocolate because they don't taste good, so not eating stuff that is not actually comforting. I am still putting on weight, which is weird given that I am trying to be so much more aware of my eating, but I am not going to beat myself up about it because then I will end up putting on ten kilos, and I been there before.

I forgot to eat breakfast. Now it is almost lunchtime so yeah lots of maladaptive daydreaming and procrastination and f*cking around aimlessly. My sister sent me a text asking if I was okay, and I said no yesterday and she sent me about 15 photos of times of us together, which franklyl makes me f*cking angry. You ask me how I am, if I am okay, and I am not, and I honest say so, and then you f*cking ignore that and send me "happy" photos. It is so hard for me to be in contact with myself and my feelings. I JUST CAN'T DO f*ckING INVALIDATION AT THIS POINT IN TIME.

 

[ms spock]

So third time lucky I didn't burn breakfast.

Being in the house is not good for me. We know that, but somehow I just get waylaid by being in this f*cking house.

I think I came so close to getting a safe space to live in, that has thrown me. Like seriously it was so close.

 

[ms spock]

So a flooding, maladaptive daydreaming, dissociated, comfort eating, and pretty much a waste of a day. I bought one thing for Xmas.

 

[ms spock]

So this went to shit. Secretive eating of a box of chocolates last night. I am just going to have to white knuckle it.

 

[ninja]

Hey. @Disco Dancing Queen
You’re not alone. 2 days ago I consumed 6 toaster waffles with maple syrup and a number of rice cakes.
And the day before that half of a loaf of bread.
It happens. We slip, we get up we slip again and then get up. You may not be immediately able to stop turning to food, but perhaps you can slowly begin to eat less during those periods. So instead of a box of chocolates, eat some (maybe starting with eating all but leaving 1 chocolate). Leaving one there is the challenge but as is just letting ourselves eat the box without guilt.
Standing with you and holding a punching bag. I find anger really is a hard one for me to feel personally, and often was/is something that lead me back to food. So, yell and scream or rip up a piece of paper or multiple if you that is something that seems like you might want to do/try, or whatever works well for you to express anger, if that is still something you are feeling.
None of this is fair. At all. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. It’s not cool. At all. I get angry about it. You are tremendous, and I’m not just saying this! Take care.

 

[ms spock]

I don't even like Roses chocolates. They are crap.

Thanks for your responses @NinjaWolf I can't tell you how much it helps to come on and find your responses to my struggle. It really is helping so much. I tried to send you a PM but your inbox is full.

 

[ms spock]

Ate extra breakfast.
Didn't do so well today, this morning.

 

[ninja]

My pleasure. :hug:
It is such a brutal battle, I am so glad we can work through this together. I did clear out my inbox, so it is open for future!

 

[DharmaGirl]

Could it have something to do also with your meds. When I changed from Paxil to Zoloft, I had little desire to binge. I have been lately, because too much is going on, and I keep buying a candy bar for my son's stocking, then eating it. Bleh. It has been so much easier after the med change.