ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I binge ate some jatz biscuits with butter last night. It was not the best, but my awareness is improving. I needed to have put myself to bed earlier, read a book, taken the dog for a walk or something else.

One thing that has improved is that if I don't like it, I stop eating it, because if I don't like it, I finish and look for something else. So only eating the good stuff really assists for me.

Small, modest improvements, but I am pleased with them.

I would like not to be obese.

 

[ms spock]

I didn't do so well with the box of Xmas cheeries, but I did it over a couple of days rather than one sitting.

So it has been a tough week, and when somthing so stressful occurs (almost died!) then I really go over the top with food and numbing I didn't do that so much this week. Big improvement!

Body work is important 2 x 1 hour walking with my walking group this week. I missed one session due to due to tractor accident.

No Pilates this week due to tractor accident.

Mindful movement
Tuesday - The Alexander Techique lesson - got to be in my body. I had a huge reaction to this and shut down but also an impetus to do more.

Wednesday - 2 (I was still in a huge reaction to the Tuesday session, and ironically shutting down and also opening up and want to do a whole lot more stuff) I did overdo it on Wedneday, and part of that overdoing did contribute to the tractor accident.

Thursday - can't remember if I did them. I was in shock.

Friday - 2

Saturday - 1

Sunday - not yet
Monday - not yet
Doing this is body work is really confronting http://www.dandbpublishing.com/perch/resources/semi-supine-chapt-1.mp3

 

[ninja]

@Disco Dancing Queen
That is awesome! Dancing and cheering with you.
You get to have a mind and body that is unified and together a safe and welcoming home for you.

 

[ms spock]

I hope so @NinjaWolf

 

[ms spock]

I didn't do so well last night, I binge ate about 8 weet bixes with milk and sugar, but I am getting closer to making better decisions, and at times I am making better decisions about eating and other things.

I feel tremendous shame for not being good enough.

I did less comfort eating at a social event yesterday it was a wedding. But I still had multiple serves, and this was not good. I am still putting on weight.The hardest thing is for me to sit with not feeling worthy, and feeling overwhelmed by social connection, and desparately wanting social connection.

I am improving overall though.

I want social connected, but when I get it I block people, and eating is part of that.

I feel so abandoned and rejected.

So building up distress tolerance will assist me in managing my disordered eating.

I feel so much shame for not being good enough.

I did manage some musical instrument playing and that did delay my binge eating. So that was an improvement.

 

[ninja]

@Disco Dancing Queen
I just want you to know that I do not think you are f*cked up or that there is anything horrible about you for struggling with eating issues or any other issues. I think that when our bodies are not able to receive adequate nutrition for a time and then that changes, and if this happens repeatedly (I speculate here), our bodies very much want to know that we will treat them with respect and that number one means feeding them well so they learn there will be enough food. I think this is part of why there is much written out there in the eating disorders recovery world about trying to let go of the idea that we have to lose weight when healing. Perhaps it is to learn how to be totally okay with where we are at, to be able to still appreciate and honor ourselves even if our bodies are in a phase of healing and transition that doesn't reflect who we really are on the inside. And even if our body never were to change we could still cultivate kindness and respect.
And none of the above really begins to directly address the massively less than pleasurable feelings that come up as we kindly let go of the eating stuff. It is a challenge, and I do not say this lightly at all. You can do this. Sending a hug if you would like :hug:, otherwise some belief in your own individual goodness inside and out, and otherwise just positive vibes for better and better days to come.
Please disregard if any is off base.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks for the hug @NinjaWolf.

That is really interestng way of thinking about it.

Radical Acceptance is the way to go.

 

[ms spock]

And none of the above really begins to directly address the massively less than pleasurable feelings that come up as we kindly let go of the eating stuff.

Oh yeah! And it is shit! It is total f*cking shit! I am really struggling with this. It is so damn hard. Oh God I don't know how I will ever do it! It seems totally impossible!

I ate two serves of breakfast to make myself numb this morning. Added to the absolute full maladaptive daydreaming this morning. Totally lost it last night at trivia (inside of myself) and I wasn't able to connect to people, I didn't manage well. I just pretended I was looking up some pre Xmas facts pre the Xmas trivia started. And one woman asked me was okay, and I lied and said yes.

After I saw one of the other teacher's I trained with, I lost it and sobbed my guts out. So it is so totally shit.

 

[ninja]

It seems totally impossible!

It does. You are doing it though. You are doing it. And the progress you are making directly and indirectly, is enough. It's happening so quickly already, our minds and bodies and hearts need the time to adjust. And sometimes it's okay to just try for 'good enough' out of a day. We do the best we can and recognize when we need rest and when we need encouragement to take a few more risks. Our bodies deserve love and respect, always.

 

[ms spock]

It does. You are doing it though. You are doing it. And the progress you are making directly and indirectly, is enough.

Yeah it sure does not feel like it, but that is emotional reasoning, and just because it feels like that, doesn't mean it is true. So most likely you are right.

It's happening so quickly already, our minds and bodies and hearts need the time to adjust.

I guess so.

And sometimes it's okay to just try for 'good enough' out of a day.

I find that hard. I smash myself for every little mistake.

We do the best we can and recognize when we need rest and when we need encouragement to take a few more risks.

Oh yes - that is so hard!

Our bodies deserve love and respect, always.

Yeah it is hard when you have no patterning to be with that, or even know how to shift in to that.

 

[ms spock]

I am putting on weight. It is really hard. It is so damn hard.

 

[ms spock]

I resent all the work as it seems that everything is work.

I have to work so hard all the time.

I resent how much work that I have to do.

I have to do so much hard work!

One good thing is that people gave me chocolates this morning and I didn't just binge eat to cope with the terrible feelings of this morning with my friend's daughter being so horrendously sick. It doesn't look good.

So I resent all the work as it seems that everything is work.

I have to work so damn hard all the time.

I massively resent how much work that I have to do.

I have to do so much hard work! I have to work hard at just about everything. It is shiteful!