ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

Horrendous f*cking nightmares all last night, yet again. I went to bed really early. I took my meds at 6.30pm, asleep by 8pm. I went down one 50 mg because of appetite increase.

Before I left Iate 2 nectarines and 3 pieces cocoberry bread, then I walked dog and exercised straight up today. Then I ate vegies and salmon for breakfast, Barely tasted a f*cking thing because I am so stressed. So I am at high risk of comfort eating or binge eating because I didn't eat mindfully or take the time to savour the food, so I feel like I haven't eaten.

I didn't go to the butchers as I am morbidly obese yet again, and I feel embarrassed.

I am at the point of struggling being present in my body, in every arena in my life and particularly playing my instrument. I am at the point of making music with other people, and it is really scary and fear inducing and frightening. I have to be able to be in my body to make music with other people. To learn this skill is one of the reasons that I took up a musical instrument.

My music teacher pointed out my issues with playing my musical instrument which are exactly the issues that I have in every other arena of my life i.e. being present in my body, and taking on too much, too soon. So I cannot be present in my body around other people, mostly I can't be present in my body when I am with myself. It is a challenge.

I realised today I will have to move out to get B to get the mold fixed. Yeah, back here again.

 

[ninja]

@Disco Dancing Queen
It drives me nuts we have to fight so hard for equilibrium. It is worth it, but very exhausting.

It sounds like you are quite collected, careful (thoughtful) and try to head towards peace, often in your walking around life and perhaps inner life too. I am wondering if there is any place in your life where you can not be that way?

Please disregard if off base. I am sending a hefty dose of kindness and appreciation of your bravery and strength.

 

[ms spock]

That is the basis of my problems, that I don't have a safe space to be in. I don't have a safe home. So really without that I am not going to make much progress.

 

[ms spock]

I cooked and ate four blueberry muffins last night, and ate four blueberry muffins this morning, and some more as well. So not doing so well really with it, but noticing more.

Okay some progress is on the house, but we will see.

Little progress on the eating front, but much more being with it all. I am more aware. I hope that translate into Life is basically shit - because you have to feel your feelings. I don't like it. But hey I haven't like a lot of this recovery and healing process, so I will bitch and moan, and eventually I will get there.

I tried to stop eating so much, & I put on 7 kilos since I have been focusing on that. Yeah feeling feelings feels shit. And hey when I try to be in my body, and I just feel the feelings of feeling raped. So no wonder I gave up on that one. Yeah so many skills I need to learn.

@Disco Dancing Queen
It drives me nuts we have to fight so hard for equilibrium. It is worth it, but very exhausting.

I hope it works out that way.

It sounds like you are quite collected, careful (thoughtful) and try to head towards peace, often in your walking around life and perhaps inner life too. I am wondering if there is any place in your life where you can not be that way?

Need to work on creating space for myself.

I am sending a hefty dose of kindness and appreciation of your bravery and strength.

Ta

 

[ms spock]

So I went to see one of my sisters and one of my brothers yesterday, we flew interstate just for one day.

I kept going despite feeling so appalling stressed out and crappy.

My eating bottomed out, but I was noticing more of what was going on with my eating. I really noticed what I was doing that that was amazing. Also the eating is really not working for me either. Something has shifted for me in some way. I am not as dissociated. I am not as numbed out on food as I was.

So the eating really help as much as it used to by a long way.

It was interesting to see how my mind did the going around and around, and recycled and recycled the shit in my head, and how that robbed me of being there. I could see my ruminations. I could see my distorted thinking. I could see how I was checking out so much. So that was a bigger presence in the moment than usual. I wasn't as dissociated. I kept choosing to comfort eat and binge eat but I was really aware and much more conscious about it. Amazing stuff really - even though it was a terribly horrible day for me. It was a completely shit day for me yesterday, but my partner did listen to me, and also challenged my ruminations and distorted thinking. My partner tried to soothe me and reassure me. I talked to him more about what is going on for me. I was in a food coma for most of the time, but not to the level of numbness that I usually am at. I was a bit more there.

It was a really tough going day for me. It was hellishly hard.

I binge ate, grazed, snacked and during the day.

I also started of doing things that were not eating. I could finally actually think of them in that state, another big shift for me.

I binge watched until 1am last night. I am watching "Five Feet Under", some brilliant script writing.

I feel insecure, uncertain, lost, overwhelmed, and like I wish I had never let home and let my Father kill us all, so the pain had stopped. But I also feel it was okay to see my brother, hard very hard with my sister, but not her fault, we trigger each other.

 

[intothelight]

like I wish I had never let home and let my Father kill us all, so the pain had stopped

I believe with PTSD, like any other chronic illness, we have to learn to live with the pain and live so it doesn't color all aspects of our lives. Life isn't all feeling good nor is it all feeling bad, there is a mix everyday with a lot of mundane thrown in. I've spent most of my life "fighting" the pain, trauma, fear, or whatever it can be labeled and in the end, the only thing I have been fighting is me. There are parts of our lives that have been horrible beyond belief, but that was then and all we have is the now.

What makes you happy? What gives you peace? What gives you a sense of accomplishment? What are your favorite things, activities, etc. Who do you like to spend time with? How do you prefer to spend time? Within those answers lie the framework of the structure of a good life.

Sometimes I think there is so much focus on fixing the "bad", what is wrong, what we "should" do, we forget that sometimes by living our "good" or "best" life and maybe throwing in one thing to work on, it makes it easier and overall makes life a lot more enjoyable.

You wrote a message to me that hit home and I realized that I needed to forgive myself and let go of what was not mine to hold on to anyway. Only its gone further than that, and somewhere inside I have a well of compassion and forgiveness even for those that have hurt me, and one of them in some of the worst ways. I know I am not explaining things well, but be more gentle with yourself and do more of what you want and enjoy and work less.

 

[Changing4Best]

I believe with PTSD, like any other chronic illness, we have to learn to live with the pain and liv...

I belong to Overeaters Anonymous and I go to both online and face to face meetings. I explain myself as an emotional over and undereater whenever I introduce myself there. I am especially prone to middle of the night eating. I do not really binge, as I try not to keep any trigger foods in my house.

The holidays were a real hassle because folks kept handing me sweets, which I do not eat usually. Sugar really messes up my system, because I am not used to eating it. So I can relate. I like what you said about forgiving oneself. I need to do that. Thanks.

 

[ninja]

@Disco Dancing Queen
You're doing it, you really really are. :hug::hug:

 

[ms spock]

Not so much today @NinjaWolf, it is really hard to come back from Xmas and etc.

I am definitely getting much more awareness of the patterns of my food coma, and my food numbing.

 

[ms spock]

I made one good food decision today.

One reasonable food decision per day over a year will build up to quite a few good decisions.

Over time that will build up to some better overall food habits.

I seriously don't want to do this. I seriously want to be in a food coma for the rest of my life. Feeling feelings is so goddam hard. feeling uncomfortable is hard. Feeling the excruciating corrosive self doubt, that comes from being in the position of so many paradoxes and catch 22s, the losses of my siblings, the grief, the reeling from the evil of the Catholic Church (which is spending millions in Australia to defend the rapist priests), the evil manipulations of my Mother, the abusiveness torturing of my Father, and paralysis and fawning that comes from growing up in a situation that no matter what I do/did vicious abuses were my lot, the delay of the decisions meant a tiny delay in the abuses.

 

[ms spock]

I have disordered eating too, basically ditto to most of what you've written above. If you're going to document what you're eating, do it for you and for honesty, don't let it spin you off into anorexia (done that too).

That is the thing, and I am going to far one way to avoid losing too much weight, which has resulted in me putting on a lot of weight.

 

[ms spock]

I think working on my eating has been one of the hardest things I've done. I am so much better than I used to be but I still don't really know how to have a normal relationship with food.

I am still struggling with this a lot.

Just be careful that writing doesn't become another form of disordered eating for you.

Yeah I have still not managed, it got worse I am eating too much as an ongoing thing.

And you are exactly right, you don't have to be perfect. It's a process.

I am trying to focus on this as I will go to too much of one extreme or the other.