ED Disordered eating

[ninja]

So today I am having moments of frustration with how long of a journey this is. I'm not a big fan of where my body is at. I was reminded a few days ago by someone that I am still new to recovery. It's really been since May. I guess these things take time, but that is frustrating. I am steadily gaining weight, which is not something I want or need to do. One big piece of recent progress is that food is overall meaning less to me, I am way less afraid of not having enough and quite a bit less concerned about eating too much. I am overall so much calmer and I am able to feel feelings with less fear. I am much more present.

So now I just need to work on really listening to my hunger cues and respecting them more consistently. I realize I have body dysmorphia a bit to work through. I do not like the distortion from that. I am presently not sure how to tackle it. It's okay. It's where I'm at.

 

[ms spock]

So today I am having moments of frustration with how long of a journey this is.

This! Oh yes! Oh yes me O my! It is a long journey indeed. But it is much better to be part way along on the journey than not on the journey at all.

Rhiannon Giddens - Wayfaring Stranger

And it takes as long as it takes! It sucks!

Sarah Jarosz - House of Mercy (Live on The Current)

Wave of Emotions

I'm not a big fan of where my body is at.

This is a common humanity one, we are not alone on this one. We are not even alone on this one in this actual thread!

Bonnaroo 2014: Sarah Jarosz - "Crazy" // The Bluegrass Situation

Do you know the Self Compassion Break from Kristin Neff? (all her exercises and audio is freely available from her website. Self-Compassion

For those with the powerful disordered eating this is important to know -
Some people find that when they practice self-compassion, their pain actually increases at first. We call this phenomena backdraft, a firefighting term that describes what happens when a door in a burning house is opened – oxygen goes in and flames rush out. A similar process can occur when we open the door of our hearts – love goes in and old pain comes out.
Tips for practice - Self-Compassion

Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break | Kristin Neff
Now, say to yourself:

1. This is a moment of suffering (my struggle with my disordered eating is such a profound experience for me). The main thing is to name the suffering. Even saying this hurts, Ow! and this really stressful, this is naming the suffering, and it is a powerful thing to do. That is step one of the self compassion break. (This is the mindful part of the Self Compassion Break!)

2. Suffering is a part of life

That’s common humanity. Many, many other people feel this way, as they struggle with their eating, their trauma, the PTSD, their demons. The point of the second step of the Self Compassion Break is to notice that you have common connection with other people, they, just like you, are suffering and struggling. All other people feel/struggle this way. Or as S says to me - everyone has something!

An amazing bluegrass cover of "Rocket Man".

3. The third step of the Self Compassion Break is about giving yourself a self soothing physical gesture - it kicks off the oxycontin in your system.

So hug yourself, put hand on your other hand, feel the warmth of your hands on your own arm, your knee, or the gentle touch of your hand on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discover that feels right for you.

Say to yourself: May I be kind to myself

And I am not so good at the third part of it yet (I often to forget to do that part of the Self Compassion Break, but I am pleased when I can get steps one and two done) - but let me know if you come up with something that works for you.

Sometimes I spend a fair bit of the day doing Self Compassion Breaks.

free audio to be downloaded http://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/self-compassion.break_.mp3

I was reminded a few days ago by someone that I am still new to recovery.

Good to reality check and remember these are still very new to you skills. I have only been giving these skills shot for about 2-3 weeks now. I have only been monitoring my eating like this for two-three weeks. It is very new to me, I forgot that.

It's really been since May. I guess these things take time, but that is frustrating. I am steadily gaining weight, which is not something I want or need to do.

Yeah but you know we have all been there don't you? I mean I gave up dieting one time because I ended up putting so much weight on, it is peeling down to that incredible vulnerability, and the corrosive self doubt?

And people write songs about how hard this stuff, or any change is to do! Gillian Welch ''Look at Miss Ohio''

One big piece of recent progress is that food is overall meaning less to me, I am way less afraid of not having enough and quite a bit less concerned about eating too much.

Wow that is a such a powerful one to get on to, that one is a phenomenally important for those of us who have disordered eating from severe deprivation.

This is really huge!

I am overall so much calmer and I am able to feel feelings with less fear. I am much more present.

Wow I am admiring you here - I am finding it really hard going! I am here now much more as well!

So now I just need to work on really listening to my hunger cues and respecting them more consistently.

***sits next to @NinjaWolf and nods***

I realize I have body dysmorphia a bit to work through. I do not like the distortion from that.

Yeah I had some super sneaky self hatred embedded within it, it was tough!

Turning the Mind

Sara Watkins, Sarah Jarosz, Aoife O'Donovan - Crossing Muddy Waters

I am presently not sure how to tackle it. It's okay. It's where I'm at.

so to me this is Radical Acceptance - Radical Acceptance Part 3
One of my favourites Radical Acceptance
The Way It Will Be – Live @ Jill’s Veranda
and
The Way It Goes - Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlings - Enmore Theatre, Sydney 8-2-2016

And hopefully everyone knows the drill, DDQ suggests, but if it is not appropriate to where you are right now, you go and focus on something else.

All of which is hard to do, but it is better than The Be Good Tanyas - Waiting Around to Die

 

[ninja]

Oh thank you @Disco Dancing Queen . So much. :hug::hug:
It had never occurred to me to give my own self a soothing touch. That is a big deal and I will be thinking on it for awhile. I can learn what kind of touch feels safe, what kind does not. I can learn what feels respectful, and pair the growing self-compassionate and respectful thoughts with a physical thing. That's so big.

It does take time. It feels like it takes so much time. Can I learn to be patient. Is this worth learning how to be patient? Yes, it is.
Becoming more present brings with it some tricky realizations that is for sure. This does really bring up and challenge some core beliefs for me.

I am afraid I won't ever be able to get to a place with my body and my mind that is healthy, stable and liberating. I am afraid I cannot get there. This challenges me to believe in myself. I am putting myself first, and I think for the remainder of the week I am going to be a bit more careful about who I spend time with. Some really great things are happening right now and progress is occurring.

Thank you for your support @Disco Dancing Queen . Thank you for helping me to really see and feel that I am not alone here in this struggle or even just the weight gain. It really does pierce through some of the shame.

We are doing this. Sending support. :hug:

 

[ms spock]

I really went down the rabbit hole yesterday food wise. I tried to be more mindful and really noticing what I am feeling, doing, and what choices I was making. So I did eat a lot less in terms of previous binging sessions. I did eat four times the amount of what is a reasonable amount for one day, it is interesting to see how easily it was for me to slip into this. However, by not beating myself up, and by noticing what was going on it meant I did a lot less eating than I would have done in the past. So yeah not a good day overall, but not the end of the world. I also ate three times the amount of points for the day. So it is interesting to see how easily it is for someone to do that. So I am learning. I am not doing well at the moment.

The next five days are dealing with a trigger, so it will be interesting to document what is going on/what happens.

I woke up at 4am this morning. At night I am listening to "The Mindful Way Through Anxiety" and "The Mindful Way Through Depression" as a continual noise source as a background to my sleeping so I don't wake with high anxiety or paniking about imminent sexual abusive. It really is helping me.

Oh thank you @Disco Dancing Queen . So much. :hug::hug:

You are very welcome! Your comments and questions combined with your insights is really assisting me.

It does take time. It feels like it takes so much time.

Yeah anything worth doing takes a lot of time. It is only in Hollywood movies do things progress without a lot of effort and time passing.

Can I learn to be patient. Is this worth learning how to be patient? Yes, it is.
Becoming more present brings with it some tricky realizations that is for sure. This does really bring up and challenge some core beliefs for me.

Me too!

Thank you for your support @Disco Dancing Queen . Thank you for helping me to really see and feel that I am not alone here in this struggle or even just the weight gain. It really does pierce through some of the shame.

The shame is really important to pierce through, if you can't pierce through then a Self Compassion Break can be useful, though I find this challenging as well.

I have put on a bit of weight as well, you are certainly not alone.

We are doing this. Sending support. :hug:

Hugs right back at you!

Yes we are doing it!

I have to travel for 3-5 days so I am not sure when I will be back on.

 

[ms spock]

Mindful eating is so challenging but so worthwhile. I am making many baby steps in the right directions.

 

[ms spock]

So yesterday I had a foray into the chocolate and comfort eating, so today I am determined to not go down that path. I can see how easy it is for people to have habituated eating patterns. It is a really hard thing to deal with particularly if that masks massive deprivation and abuse issues, and it is basically the only way you have known how to emotionally regulate is by shoving food in your mouth and being so stuffed numb that you are no longer petrified by imminent rape/bashings/shamings/humiliations/being needled and taunted. f*ck it feels so weird not to be overstuffed with food. I am really struggling with this new way/s/incarnations of being.

Last night I really started to lose my shit and go into huge shut down. I was in a bad way. This morning I was so dissociated and totally shut down. Anyway there was no room for the dog, so I have to stay here another day, so only two nights and a day and a half, rather than three nights and two and a half days. So it will work out really well from my point of view. Though when I have to leave tomorrow I will most likely freak out again. I have decided to cancel Wednesday. There is no point me being there, it won't make a difference to the overall outcome, and it would put me through unnecessary stress, when I can be focusing on the next thing that I will choose to work on.

The whole eating thing, and understanding things to this level is phenomenal, as I was doubting I would ever be grounded enough to do this type of work, but I can be for short parts of time, and it will grown and improve as time goes on.

This feeling not so chockers full all the time will take some getting used to, and is really stressful. But that is okay, after 30 days it will normalise. I just have to keep doing it as best that I can.

I can also eat fish, and vegetables and all the other zero points foods. I already have my daily amount of points, and that is okay, I can just be sensible how I eat for the rest of the day, and if I am not able to do that then I can begin again tomorrow. It is just working towards it slowly that will work.

 

[mumstheword]

I have gained even more weight lately. Last night I weighed and I was 87.4. Strangely though, I didn't really freak out about it. I have lost tons of weight numerous times before, in unsustainable and sustainable ways but life's stresses that cause symptom spikes sabotage my losses and severe calorie reductions do too, I've recently come to know.

I know the self compassion and love from my guy and children are key in all this emotional regulation improvement and lots of therapy, so I'm feeling like, when I start applying.myself to losing, this time it will stick.
I realized the symptoms and emotional dysregulation have to be sorted as they are causal.

 

[ms spock]

Yeah @mumstheword the emotional dysregulation, Self Compassion, trauma therapy, exercise routines etc are so important because without that commitment to self care you can't really lose weight, (even though we know the weight is not the main thing), so it is developing relationship with myself that is the main thing, and doing the three steps of the Self Compassion Breaks, repeatedly, over and over again, until I rewrite that corrosive self doubt, and the embedded self hatred, and the shame within my body which is a visceral response to my actually being alive.

I no longer care whether the weight loss sticks or not, it is a non issue, it would be nice, and for health reasons it would be great, but in terms of staying alive today, the main thing is me learning new skills for emotional regulation and practising the stills that I have already acquired.

I am reading some Brené Brown. She is really worth a look.

I have gained even more weight lately. Last night I weighed and I was 87.4. Strangely though, I didn't really freak out about it.

That is great! That is real progress!

I know the self compassion and love from my guy and children are key in all this emotional regulation improvement and lots of therapy,...
I realized the symptoms and emotional dysregulation have to be sorted as they are causal.

The causal factors are the most important things, from my point of view!

 

[ms spock]

Things have improved dramatically with my eating. There is so much to tell. Though my relationship with food, is definitely a work in progress, but I have improved. The emotional eating is much better, doing the Self Compassion Breaks for that, need to do a bit more with that, and to cultivate distraction techniques. I am changing/have basically changed a 40 year disordered eating issue where food was my family, friend, cheer squad, boredom buster, time passer, comfort, numbing agent, etc. I am not living in a food coma most of the time now. It is really a very challenging situation for me, but worth it.

Currently I have lost 5 kilos, & I am part of the Weight Watcher's community. There are plenty of people with comfort eating, binge eating, complex trauma, PTSD, depression and anxiety but that is a background to the strategies that you need to manage your relationship with food. So not having enough carbs and protein at the dinner meal can leave you feeling not satiated, and that is what I am working on at the moment. So that has been most helpful. During I have done a lot of fine tuning. I am changing my whole way of seeing things related to food. I am doing so much better with this. I need to up my exercise, and my Mindfulness, but I will get there. I am being careful to continuously take the small baby steps that I need to take in order to get where I am going in my recovery. So everything is once again changing for me. So much to learn and do, but I am definitely on my way. It has taken a long time to get here, and I am very grateful for my progressions.

I have thought of you @NinjaWolf, and I hope that you are going okay.

All the best @mumstheword I hope you are going okay, and if you are not, I hope that you can give your self some Self Compassion.

Actually knowing portion sizes is really useful. My Mother was quite happy for me to binge eat/comfort eat as I wasn't fighting back whilst I was doing that!

Also knowing how much sugar in food stuffs is useful as well, so you can cut down on that.

I am tracking and it is helping me. I am not getting it right everyday I am just aiming for near enough is good enough. So improvements all round.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm so happy that you are back here! Was wondering how you were going!
I'm currently in an inpatients program and working through some emotional baggage that has fueled my ED and weight issues since my early teens.
Great news about your progress! Thank you so much for sharing it! It helps me have hope.

 

[ms spock]

Good on you for being proactive and being in an inpatient program @mumstheword. I hope that you get some decent sign posts to assist you with your own challenges!

It is an arduous and tricky journey for me!

I am really focussing on my eating at this time so I can really sustain my medication tapering, if I can't manage my eating I won't be able to taper down more.

 

[ninja]

Congratulations @Disco Dancing Queen !!! Celebrating with you. It is just brilliant to be able to feel a little more freedom from the food stuff, and the tough emotions.

I have made progress also, which isn't yet reflected in any weight changes. At this point I've made peace with knowing I do not need to lose weight. My body has needed the little bit of extra weight to feel safe, and it will come off as I continue focusing on letting myself feel and trusting myself. It's not a panic. It's been nice to have the food stuff start to trickle out of my mind.