ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

Congratulations @Disco Dancing Queen !!! Celebrating with you. It is just brilliant to be able to feel a little more freedom from the food stuff, and the tough emotions.

It is not healed or easy or anything like that. I am just managing a bit better, substantially better at times. It is a real work in progress.

I have made progress also, which isn't yet reflected in any weight changes. At this point I've made peace with knowing I do not need to lose weight.

That is a really good one! You have to let yourself off the hook, and until you can do that, it really is not possible to get much traction, for me, anyway.

My body has needed the little bit of extra weight to feel safe,

...and what a wise body it was for protecting you thusly! Mine too!

and it will come off as I continue focusing on letting myself feel and trusting myself. It's not a panic. It's been nice to have the food stuff start to trickle out of my mind.

Feeling your feelings is big.

Trusting yourself is big as well.

That is a big shift as well! Congrats to you! This is not easy, as you very well know!

 

[ms spock]

I didn't do so well last night, at all. Probably my best in times of yore, but yes I crashed and burned last night. It was not good. Comfort eating, but then it has been a tough week. If come down on my medically supervised tapering off it will assist in terms of toning down the side effect of increased appetite. I am not sure how to go at this time.

 

[ninja]

Sitting with you @Disco Dancing Queen
It is frustrating and arduous work. A lot of patience required. I would like a particular body and getting there just takes time, a lot of love and belief, and persistence.

 

[ms spock]

It is just not easy. Much improved overall but still struggling.

 

[ms spock]

So my life has changed a lot as I am not living life in a food coma, so it is all really challenging & hard to be with. Eventually the new patterns and routines will break the camel's back and it will normalise. But it is quite the struggle at this time. I am also tapering off my medication (under medical supervision). I needed to make progress in both arenas - in not living in a food coma, because if I can't learn how to do that then I would never manage to taper off my Endep.

Last night I didn't comfort eat before going to bed. That is really big for me. I was able to stay with the difficulty of doing that. That is a huge improvement.

I did dissociate and went back to some comfort eating during the last week, but markedly less than I used to do. So overall improvement.

I put on a bit of weight, but still overall improvement. I am 10 kilos from the top range of my BMI weight instead of 15-17 kilos from the top number in my BMI range. So overall improvement.

We had to do end of life care for Papa Bear, these last two weeks. It was hard. I hope he gets what he wants.

I am unsettled and struggling.

Terrible hip problems, and pain but much better than it used to be, and I am managing it all a lot better.

I am not living life in a food coma, so it is all really challenging and hard to be with. Eventually I will break the camel's back and it will normalise.

This is particularly an arduous and difficult part of my healing/recovery process. This is so tough because food is what I used to manage the feelings of distress from sexual abuse and physical abuse, as well as the constant shaming and scapegoating.

 

[ms spock]

So I remember what it was like... This is particularly an arduous and difficult part of my healing/recovery process. This is so tough because food is what I used to manage the feelings of distress from sexual abuse and physical abuse, from when I was a small child, as well as warding off the constant shaming and scapegoating. I am still alive which is pretty amazing really, so many I have known are no longer with us. There was nothing I could do to have done it better. I did the best that I could. There was no point in trying as it was going to end up shit anyway. My Mother won, she divided and ruled the family with her malicious, malevolent mind games, and my Father did the same. They are as equally as evil as each other. They were made for each other. Anyway I don't think about that as much anymore. It is what it is. I survived, and that is incredible.

and

My partner and I have grown much closer, and a couple of times I have been so tired during the day, particularly after doing the end of life stuff for Papa Bear, we just went to bed on Sunday and had a snuggle and fell asleep, and we snuggled and snuggled. We did this this morning as well. It is very comforting and healing for me to do that. I am really hard on my partner sometimes but if I hadn't been he wouldn't have taken the medication for his depression, or gone to university, or eaten better like he does today, or lost the weight. I think the end of life stuff for his Father has wiped us both out this last week, along with all the painting of the ceilings and all the other stuff.

I went down on the 18th or 19th, and I will stay at 100 mg Endep for some time to come, I have to get bed routines, and sleeping routines into place. I needed to manage my eating and my cooking, and I have done this which means I am much better in the disordered eating arena.

So I am doing so much better. I need to push forward to the next part of my life now. I am almost there.

 

[ms spock]

So yet again my whole life has changed, last night I did not comfort eat or massively numb out with food.

Every aspect of my life has changed, my thought patterns, my routines, my ability to be physically present in my body, my ability to be present with other people, the whole eating thing has improved out of sight. My physical body has been/is changing and I am letting go of so much bodily/trauma stuff. I have improved out of sight yet again. So that is something to note, and be really grateful about.

I have lost a dress size in weight, and I am not alone with my issues with obesity, but I am at a point, and I have the skills now to actually manage to be in my BMI range in about two months. I have the skills. I can do this.

One of the challenges in my physical body is that I suffer from chronic pain, this morning I got up and immediately dealt with my physical distress this morning. I went straight into a semi supine position. I got up straight away and did it.

This recovery process is not easy, especially in regards to disordered eating and it is quite arduous at times but on the whole I am progressing well. It doesn't feel at all good most of the time, sometimes it feels pretty ordinary indeed, but in actual fact I am doing really well, & I am improving in all arenas in my life.

Now I am managing being on a lesser level of medication reasonably well, I will keep going on this level of medication until I can manage 30 days without comfort eating at night, then review to come down some more.

I really wasn't sure I would ever get on top of my disordered eating but I am managing so much better now. It has been a long and slow journey but I am getting there.

 

[ms spock]

Last night I did not comfort eat or massively numb out with food I am improving so much.

 

[ms spock]

Struggling today with eating, but mostly doing well!

 

[ninja]

Proud of you @Disco Dancing Queen
Sitting with you through the day. I struggled myself too, but this was the first day in a bit! Slip, get up, slip, get up. :hug::hug:

 

[ms spock]

I am managing so much better now @NinjaWolf, and like you I am just jumping up and getting going again.

I have a degree of control and ability to manage that I simply didn't think I would ever get to, it is a phenomenal change.

 

[ms spock]

I comfort ate with fruit last night. The anxiety took over.