ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I just want to numb out on food and go to sleep, but there is so much to be done.

I have gained so many skills as a result of this journey, and my interactions with food, and nurturing myself have changed out of sight.

 

[ninja]

Offering some hope @Disco Dancing Queen
It will not always be such a struggle. You are breaking out of engrained habits, and having to feel the sh*t underneath. So not exactly the most positive experience of breaking habits.

At some point though it will become normal and an automatic response to tell yourself that it will be okay, and you will believe it and the intense emotions and desire to use food to cope will not be there. Maybe once in awhile you will slip, but this very conscious work you are doing will not go anywhere. It will be there. And that freakin cool.

 

[ms spock]

My eating is improving out of sight @NinjaWolf. I never thought it would get to this point, and I am most grateful. I just keep chipping away at it.

 

[ms spock]

I did not do well last night. I am doing better today! Overall improvement!

 

[ms spock]

So my eating improvements are now rippling out to other parts of my life. I am undergoing a medication tapering off, (under medical supervision), and my improved eating is letting me feel my body and notice my mind more, as I am not in a food coma so much of the time.

Another bonus of not being in a food coma is that I am able to notice my body and my pain more and that has meant I am managing my pain much better, and so this is now effecting my sleep, as I am managing the pain in my body in my bed more, I am starting to get better sleep. I would never have thought to do pain management in my bed, so that is a big step forward for me.

I am sitting with my shame and corrosive self doubt more, as I am not in a food coma, and they are starting to abate.

As I am losing weight, (and it is not the diet that you are on that matters, but changing the lifestyle and mindset that got you to the levels of weight you currently have, that are the main things to adjust and change), I am more comfortable, and it will assist with my pain as well, taking weight off my knee joint as well.

As I am not living in a food coma I am feeling feelings more, and I am actually managing that better as well.

I am also communicating much better as well. My partner is depressed but is at least grateful that the 250mg of his antidepressant is holding him from going doing the gurgler. So I am being more honest with myself and my partner.

I am making many changes and adjusting each day so I can continue to manage better and refine.

It is still a shock to me how small a normal portion size is, because food was my friend, family, helped me to manage distress, boredom, loneliness, terror, fear, and abject horrendous feelings around not being attached to anyone. So food kept me alive, in a deeply emotional sense, and I am stepping out of that now, which is another solid change. So I have to look if I am having an internal hunger - where my stomach requires food, or an external hunger where I am trying to soothe my feelings through comfort eating. It is still a challenge each day but it is getting easier. I am managing so much better.

I am immensely grateful that so many people have contributed to this and other threads that I have started and participated. I have been so helped by other member's insights, and contributions thoughout so many different parts of my journey.

 

[ms spock]

I REALLY STRUGGLED WITH EATING LAST NIGHT, B'S Cousin's daughter ended up being in hospital for an operation and his son had a friend commit suicide. OMG! We have to do more prevention to stop young men from killing themselves so much! I knew I had enough to eat but I still comfort ate after he left. It was hard.

 

[Teasel]

That sounds like a horriD day @Disco Dancing Queen I' sorry to hear it :hug:

 

[ms spock]

I didn't eat nearly as much as I used to @Bearlinda and yes it was horrible!

 

[ms spock]

Okay I am really struggling overall but my disordered patterns are really improving so much!

 

[ms spock]

Not going well today!

 

[ms spock]

I am really struggling. I feel overwhelmed. I am managing a whole range of really difficult situations, and I really want to shut down. I did shut down after yesterday morning. It was tough. I did okay. But it is hard to be present when around so many other people. I left for teaching at 5.30am in the morning, and I got back about 3pm. I was done for the day. It was challenging.

 

[ms spock]

All I want to do is binge eat, and space out, and not feel a thing! I just want to binge watch episodes of comedians! I just don't want to have to work so hard all the time. But my psychiatrist wants me to do more, and not check out as much. I am doing a fair bit but not enough. Oh gosh the next bit is going to be tough. It was tough yesterday! It was really tough yesterday. I still don't trust myself. The corrosive self doubt is a real struggle! It is a real struggle! I am finding it really hard today.