Does anything help?
I've tried the typical things they say for grounding, counting, reciting stuff, sour candy etc... it's helpful but kind of mildly.
Like it helps to make things more tolerable but it doesn't snap me out.
Lately I'm so frustrated with realities I can't change, that since I can't voice it, got to a point where I literally had to hold myself from the desire to scream from frustration.
Eventually I guess my mind had enough and now I find myself quietly sinking within myself. I find a momentary thing that gives me joy and binge on it- movie, YouTube videos of channel I find funny, planning videos and scouring web pages of planning supplies I can't buy.
All things I enjoy immensely, but in this case I procrastinate on anything productive to check one more item of things I can't buy or to watch few more videos, and then it's lunch and then something... basically it feels safe and hopeful and I cling to it. I was accepting reality for quite a while but I maxed out my acceptance limit and couldn't take it anymore.
But I sink into those pleasure/enjoyment loops a lot those days. It takes a long time. It's definitely crossed the healthy line. But I'm just so frustrated about what I can't change right now. I'm trying to find healthy outlets, I'm starting exercise and ballet at home routine again from tomorrow.
What else can I do? Sometimes I would even have a task I dread and I sink into those other things and I feel guilty but the guilt is far and the pain near, so it gets pushed to the next day.
There is just a month until things change but my mind honestly is so done that even a day feels a lot.
Pls someone tell me there is something I can do...
Hi SeekingAfrica!
I avoid the things that will trigger me....so if you are dissociating, and if it were me, I'd be asking myself- What's triggering me now?
.I kind of made up my own rating scale when I dissociated, and spent some time paying attention to the different levels or intensities and my behaviors and feelings when dissociated....and what happens and where I get that I can't come back by looking around the room. Like level 1 might be just a tad foggy (and at this level, I have the capacity to change things up, move, leave, phone a friend) and have a sense of fear or uneasiness, level 2-foggy, somewhat spacey and not hearing so well but still can maneuver, 3-my vision is affected and awareness of the things around me are super impaired, and my hearing is challenged and I feel very distant from myself, 4-I'm kind of frozen and drifting into the wall with relatively little consciousness and no identifiable feelings...not even fear....and my vision is a tunnel vision...so that's kind of what my brain does but rating it has been really helpful, because if I know the progression....then I can take what I've learned and written down for later reviews, and work towards managing a pre-emptive strike vs ending up dissociating in the first place. When I'm at level 1-I have trained myself to make a change.....get in the cold air, phone a friend and make plans, go to the pool for a swim, or call a friend to puzzle (you can't actively puzzle and dissociate) so I try to apply a solution that entails moving my body and changing my mood. My dissociation has improved tremendously from ditching all (and that means family members, people you call friends-but maybe they aggravate the situation and aren't the right kind of friend) and bad work situations where you know you're going to get screwed for no good reason, or a time of the year when there are expectations (such as Xmas is supposed to be like......and replace it with.....this Xmas, I'm going to go visit a cousin in Arizona I haven't seen, because I've ditched people I used to spend time with but triggered me..... so I need a new routine. My triggers come from specific actions on other's parts....betrayal, mistrust, misconduct, drug themes, neediness, disappointment, narcisism, .....behaviors which are lacking in integrity-but not people's innate stupidity....I can empathize with that. When I know what the feelings and situations are, I can plan to avoid potential problems, and go where I know and trust drama won't show itself. I stopped telling my family where I was gonna be on the holiday, and found new friends......friends I could trust, friends who aren't going to gaslight or manipulate me. My healing came from excluding unhealthy people in my life.....which felt pretty lonely at first but the "no drama" was positively reinforcing, as I stopped talking with my family and anyone else connected with the family.....and my dissociative episodes reduced drastically.....and replacing it with things that bring me joy, calmness, or a good feeling of helping others, and a sense of purpose in life. Finding a sense of purpose and actively working towards it, living in the moment, and refusing to spend mental time rehashing the past after I've committed to separating myself from those I allow to trigger me (and they be those who hurt me, too). I am not dissociative free....but I do believe that I'm 98 percent better than I use to be because I can say I'm happy and have a purpose in life and I'm now able to not go past my level 1 without changing something myself so it won't worsen. I can and do stop it. I've actively and daily spent time gaining control of my brain. Having one friend in my life, a good friend who is positive, not a drama seeker, is not a drug/alcohol user, and isn't negative and doesn't give me the "shoulds" has been a huge piece to moving forward. Music, playing music with other people has been a great joy, as has creating things artistically.......I can be creative and "absorbed in an activity which sometimes feels like dissociation-but it is a place where I am feeling my feelings" but I'm absorbed not from fear.... it is because I do that willingly.....my brain isn't hijacking me anymore. I do continue in therapy...but I've cut back to once or twice a month.
Do you get out much and meet new people? Widening my circle of friends has been hard....meeting people excrutiating, and triggering.....but I don't have that same reaction......but it was enduring many new situations.....dissociating.....level 1.....do something different even if in the situation, it was to go pee... disconnect from the dissociation. Usually, something that'd give me pleasure would be enough to change my mood and stop it.
Oh, and I make a list every day and check it off. I have a notebook and write a vertical list daily ____ take meds____wash 1 load _____ dry 1 load _____ run dishwasher yep...._____ 17 min. treadmill walk _____ Online writing-4 hrs etc.____ photos-review
I fill a page, and my house stays cleaner, and I feel more organized, am able to recall things more easily, because I have things I decide I must do each day.
This has been helpful to keep me productive......and I put reinforcers in after getting hard things completed......like drive to the Food Lion for a 4-pak Yasso Bar or a Coke, get a pedicure (might be at end of a long day), meet a friend at the park, work on a puzzle for X PERIOD OF TIME, after I get X things done. Completing tasks....checking them off with rewards can be helpful to keep you moving forward.
My nemesis's are Cardzmania (canasta), the bed, the videos/tv-so I don't do them till after 8pm-had to make my own rules....and I usually follow them.
I wanted to provide you with some hope.....that you can manage it well in time if you are determined and I understand that some people have overcome their triggers.....and that's what I'm shooting for! Merry Christmas and good wishes for your new year.
