Dissociation from emdr

[Kaleidoscope]

I actually stopped doing EMDR because I felt I was being re-traumatized. The body sensations are the wors...

I had a similar experience...with body sensations for the first time in my life. It was too hard...we eventually had to stop.
I wish EMDR would have worked for me...
What seemed to work for me the most when talking about difficult things was "pendulation"...described by Peter LeVine in his book "Taming the Tiger". When my therapist noted that I was getting upset, he would stop and we would change the subject completely..."how was the weather on your drive in?" then resume with the hard stuff.
I eventually learned "Brain Spotting"...and still use this. I also keep pictures of sunsets, grandchildren, memories that make me smile on my iPhone...and take 'photo breaks' to bring me back into a focus of now..."mindfulness".
I am slowly learning how to walk this walk without therapy...it hasn't been going the best. I will check in with him soon...it will be 2 months since I've seen him. It's hard because he is the only one that I have been able to talk to about difficult things...my choice.
This forum is helping... thank you!

 

[CaraG]

I had a similar experience...with body sensations for the first time in my life. It was too hard....

Body sensations are horrible. Worse than visual or auditory flashbacks. Who knew touch could be so powerful. Makes sense though a lady touch the hem of Jesus robe and was healed. I can get really freaked out and anxious from body sensations. It's awesome you are dealing so well. Don't beat yourself up. It's hard without the extra support of someone who knows you. I am glad you found this forum.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I came close tonight of just giving up completely. Its one to be max-stressed out from EMDR, drama in household has me overloaded. In the last few days I felt like lashing out in response. Instead tonight I turned it inwards, locked my door to my bedroom, evicted the cat from the bedroom, put on loud soft jazz, and layed down and SHUTDOWN, actually had thoughts of just not wanting to live in this life as it is, to much pain and betrayal to deal with. I am some where above that now, but not thinking clearly.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I am not sure I am going to be able to tolerate more EMDR. I am finding I am processing memories that stick with me in the present, more and more, closer to 24/7, and the anger from what was done is just building and stays with me. I feel like I am slowly decompensating.

 

[Kaleidoscope]

Hello RecoveringFromPtsd...
Can you talk with your therapist about taking a break?
Do you have a safe place that you can go in your mind when you are actually doing the EMDR?
My therapist had me determine a safe place to retreat to when I would start to feel overwhelmed.
In my mind I find a wonderful room that overlooks the sea, with a huge window and a room full of books... it is hidden within a forest and only I have the key. And it has a supply of teas and dark chocolate...with a guitar to play, it's wood well worn from use.
We also tried pendulating (Peter LeVine developed this)...going from difficult to totally the opposite...short breaks within the session to reflect on the weather, for example.
We eventually stopped EMDR as I had pretty difficult 'body memories' and trouble sleeping.
We then tried Brain Spotting (David Grand), which seemed to help the most...to help me learn to tolerate difficult emotional or physical feelings associated with a trigger.
Deep breaths helped...slow deep breaths, breathing in through your nose, and slowly out through your mouth.
If I felt panicky, then 3 deep breaths, much like quickly blowing out a candle.
With practice, I now tend to do it automatically.
And soft blankets, beautiful music...be gentle with yourself as much as you can. Best wishes to you...

 

[Freida]

If this EMDR fails me, I believe the only option left that would keep me from giving up comp...

My service dog is how I get thru my EMDR sessions and he's what grounds me when I leave. You don't have to choose one or the other...you can have both. I'm starting year 2 of EMDR. Dont know how I would have done it without him

 

[+littlebird]

I'm still new at trying to figure PTSD out. I've had it for years, but was only diagnosed recently. EMDR is something I am especially interested in, and this discussion has helped me. Thanks to all of you! recoveringfromptsd, you are in my thoughts, and I hope it's ok to say you will be in my prayers, too. You are so brave! Strength, healing, and peace to you.

I do have a question. When you say dissociation, what exactly do you mean? Esp. when it continues after the EMDR?

I have times I do what I call "shutting down" usually during a flashback. I feel no emotions at all, and sometimes it effects me physically. I can't speak, I can't move, or both.

I have collapsed and been semi-conscious, too. My awareness of what is happening around me comes and goes. Sometimes I can hear people talking to me just fine, but other times it's like I'm under water. People have pinched and poked me with pins to see if I react. I physically feel it (OUCH!) but don't even flinch.

Is this dissociating?

 

[MyWillow]

Dissociation is a really tough thing to get your head around. I'm a scientist and I reckon I've read most journal articles about it even though it's a very novel concept for me. There are a few different theories but the one that makes sense to me talks about structural dissociation and then positive/negative attributes in terms of features added or features removed.

So flashbacks are intrusive symptoms (positive dissociative symptom) but you can also experience sensory loss (so negative) simultaneously. That happens to me - can't hear, move, talk, see, feel....and sometimes let's just add amnesia into the mix just for the hell of it. But you can have variants as well where it's about voices sounding faint and tunnel vision. I've had that too. So it's very individual and situation dependent. I have no experience with EMDR by the way - this all got triggered by regular therapy and now I'm trying to make sense of it.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I'm still new at trying to figure PTSD out. I've had it for years, but was only diagnosed recentl...

Your last paragraph is a good example of disassociation, it takes many forms, derealization, depersonalization (google these 2), and sometimes just being disconnected from the world but present (participating), for instance I have driven successfully 20 miles past where I am supposed to exit and don't remember the time in between (lost time), lost time is very common.

I have come to a point where the trauma staying in the present after EMDR and adding up, is leading me to a point where my thinking is leaning towards being unsafe. My most serious hypervigilance is situational uncertainty. And the trauma which back in trauma time was situational uncertainty at its worse, having it in the present is not much different than having to deal with a real-time situational uncertainty event which almost always makes me unsafe and with s/i.

I have to re-discuss this topic with my primary therapist. My fall back is the CBT part of EMDR, no reason that can't continue, as it addresses the cognitive distortions, which feed my situational uncertainty hypervigilance.

 

[Kaleidoscope]

As I read everyone's responses, I recognize responses that have happened to me...things I did not understand.
I still do not completely understand dissociation.
Sometimes, when I get real upset, I have lost time, found myself crying in another room and won't remember the words that 'tipped my scales' or what happened in between.
Twice (many years ago) I ran into a person who asked how I am, (once, "How is your child?") and I didn't have a clue of who they were and why I would share something so personal with someone I didn't know.
I have had strong, sudden responses to "similar traumatic happenings" in my life...
(I almost fainted when listening to a distraught mother telling her daughter's doctor and I about her daughter's childhood molestation. My co-workers took me to the ER, where my BP continued to run too low to return to work.)
I didn't understand this as related to past "happenings" until I started therapy. I
thought I was going leaving reality & in deep trouble.
Because I have a medical background I researched what I was experiencing, trying to understand and fix it myself for almost 2 years before sharing with a counselor...afraid I'd be "put away." And that was a huge mistake for I was ridiculed.
I kept what may be dissociative occurrences very private after that.
I have finally tentatively shared some of this with my present counselor.
As I write about this, my face starts to tingle and I feel upset...deep breaths come automatically now when this happens.
I am so glad that I've returned to therapy and that I have joined this forum.
And I apologize RecoveringFromPtsd for attempting to give you advise. It was the "nurse in me" and my nature to try to help in any way that I can.
Ha...I know nothing of what I even need.

Right now, I know that I need to take care of me...that entails returning to someone who will try to assist me (he asked me to notice in my body, where and what I was feeling when discussing a trigger I had had...somatic, right?)

I'm filling boxes, emptying and throwing, giving away, listening to beautiful music, writing to you...and will take a needed walk in a bit.
I try to find 'beauty in the midst, in the mist'...I have a wonderful memory if a very gray day, both within me and outside...a day long drizzle and no sun...just dull gray. Somehow I managed to pick myself up off the floor and I grabbed my bright turchoise raincoat. I walked outside and saw my yellow rose bush in full bloom... I stood there, taking pictures in the rain. As I did this, the greyness within started to dissipate.
And now I have a actually picture of a beautiful yellow rose covered with raindrops (teardrops!) to remind me that our feelings are like the weather...the storm will pass.
A rainbow may appear...and the rose still stands tall.

Again, I wish you all well. I hold you in my heart and prayers.
It "takes a village to raise a child"...maybe it takes a village to authentically heal.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

today I get a break from it all including the dissociation, due to circumstances beyond my control I could not take my seroquel last night, thus have had only 2 hours sleep since the night the day before, a little mania going on. I should be back to normal tomorrow.

 

[Evo]

I have only had 2 actually EMDR sessions, the rest before are the prep leading up to EMDR....

I'm really sorry to get into the cobversation but have no idea about edmr and would like to ask if anyone can recomend any worth reading articles or videos ... meant to start sessions in 2 weeks but not sure if should .... MASSIVE THANK YOU X